Basically my current situation is I'm a sophomore at Pitt after going to South Carolina my first semester last year and then community college my second semester. Before college I had the same problems I'm dealing with now - depression, body dysmorphia, low self esteem - and I pushed through all of high school thinking my depression would go away once I enter college. I kind of just convinced myself that once I went to college I was magically going to be happy with my body and feel pretty and confident. I convinced myself I just couldn't make friends in high school because my hometown was awful and that I would be so happy once I'm far away (I'm from PA). Within the first week at college I fell into a very dark place and I went through the same motions as high school - I can't get myself to talk in class and I'm too uncomfortable with myself to talk to other students. I was comparing myself to every girl I saw, judged myself based on how attractive or "cool" the people were who were around me, I didn't leave my dorm because I didn't want to be seen, I was dealing with a binge eating disorder that I developed my senior year. After just a few weeks in, I did the same thing as high school and blamed the college saying it wasn't right for me and wanted to come home. I left after one semester and had no memories to take with me. I didn't get myself to join clubs, I barely went out and when I did I was unhappy, I had only one friend that I barely hung out with. My second semester at community college was terrible. Again made no friends, my classes were full of "weird" people which I know makes me sound so vain and judge mental but I live in a hick town. I spent all semester going to therapy and trying different meds. Once summer started I went to a specialist an hour and a half away twice a week for my eating disorder and body dysmporhia. Continued to switch meds over the summer, and by the time I was leaving for school I wasn't any better. Since my senior year of high school everything has only gotten worse despite all I did to try and get better. I assumed going to school this time around would be different, but I was wrong. I'm three weeks in and I want to leave just like before. I didn't want to come to Pitt because I want to be far from home and in a nicer environment but I didn't know where else to apply. I only came here because I knew it wasn't a school where attractive girls go and so I thought I would be more comfortable with myself since attractive girls intimidate me and put me in a bad place. I regret ever leaving South Carolina. I feel stuck in this sadness and darkness. I feel like I will never be comfortable where I am or as I am. I feel like I will never be able to make friends. I've relapsed in my eating disorder and want to stop taking my meds. I've been on 6 already and at different doses. They've only made things worse. I have so many physical issues I never had before. I haven't felt like my normal self in over 3 years. I don't know what to do. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't care about class and don't want to go. I don't want to talk to people especially after I binge. I tried so hard to make sure things would be different this time around and convince myself I'm where I should be but it's not true. I genuinely don't know what to do and don't know if there is anything that I even can do.
Hi Jo.24 - what a well written post! So many of your peers would relate to what you have written. Those "cool" ones, the "pretty" ones, they wouldn't appear so put together and perfect if you could glimpse inside them, see them in their private moments behind closed doors. The proliferation of social media has placed enormous pressure on the young and the incidence of dysmorphia and disatisfaction, depression and exclusion has sky rocketed. Youth are self harming and opting out at alarming rates. One of the things that is unreasonable and unrealistic is the notion that all will be well if you had this, looked like that, belonged there or moved here. You can't escape your shadow. You can't be like them because you are you. There's never been anyone like you, there never will be. You are totally unique. The thing about youth - or any age come to that - is that we don't know what we will lead to. The ugly duckling that becomes the swan, the dyslexic that becomes that famous author, the accident that leads to the true life path of that individual. This world is so obsessed with the aesthetics of everything it overlooks the treasure right in front of them. How we see ourselves is how we present and we have a habit of looking for that statement, that incident, that depiction in our daily lives, the thing that will reaffirm what we feel about ourselves. It's self defeating because we are relying on the world around us to tell us what we are worth when the world around us is basically indifferent and quick to judge and reject before they move on with their lives. We are forgotten in a New York minute.
I was going to suggest the school counsellor - which wouldn't be a bad move by any means and may open something up for you - but instead I suggest you look within for that special something you love to do and, no matter how "bad" you think you are at it, dive and try it. Like writing. Why not a blog about your journey? Setting up a Youtube thingy? Or just journal what you feel with the view to condensing it down the track into a book, an insight for others to relate to, to know they are not alone. Words are powerful and there's nothing more powerful than the ability to describe something that others can jump on and say "I know this! I feel this! You are talking about me!" It can change lives. And you will create your own beauty and coolness. Life is about finding a way around things. Meanwhile, would you consider continuing therapy? It's important you have somewhere to vent, dump, rage, understand the process and learn. And we are always here.
There is so much truth in your response and I'm so thankful that you took the time to write it out!