I don't want to be alive, but I'm against suicide

Mental health
1

As of recent life is taking its toll on me, I'm still very young (20) yet everyday gets harder. I don't want to be alive. I fantasize about getting robbed and shot or killed in an accident, I'm also completely against suicide. 

A little back story: always had a pretty s****y life, poor unsupportive family, 1 sister and my single mother. My mom has always been my inspiration she is the most independent woman I know, who slaved away with 2 house keeping jobs, to keep us happy. She met a man who was in terms crazy. I.E agressive violent loud alcoholic. This man would sometimes abuse my mother in front of me, me being 10-13 unable to do anything. Eventually she came to her senses and left, but it only got worse. Me my grandma my mom and my sister all stayed in a studio apartment together after my mom left her ex ,( all we could afford), we couldn't afford a bed, luckily we found one not to far away and shared that, and we couldn't afford gas so we had to boil pots of water to shower.( this isn't a sob story), I just want to vent.

I was always known for being incredibly positive no one knew my upbringing. 

Anyway after that the s****y exes just kept coming and one day my mom found herself ill her peice of garbage boyfriend at the time refused to take her to the hospital that night she asked, turns out she was having a stroke. I was in 7th grade. To make a long story short the women I look up to most in the world is now completely bed ridden and dependent. The person taking care of her is my 70 year old grandma. When I turned 18 I left for college, I wanted to help. My family thought otherwise and guilts me for not staying and helping when I know I would help more if I got a degree. As the years goes by my mom hasn't spoken ( she's unable to) in over 7 years. That s**t hurts seeing her cry every single day.  Losing my mom was my biggest fear but now I think she end up better dead, rather than alive depressed and dependent. Life goes on and I fantasize about my death coming to me trough outside sources. This isn't me but its all I can think about. It's only getting worse and I need help, no one I know understands. I'm angry explosive and unstable, I was once cool calm collected and positive 

2

feeling sorry for yourself will not help you or your mother,you cant do nothing for your mother when you are the way you are so make your life the best you can,your mam would want that by the sounds of it,go to the gym ,bulk up and look for a job you will like then the rest will fall into place i assure you

3

Hello there you are one amazing person! As I sit here reading your email and hear your excruciating pain..I realize how strong you are to overcome so much. 

You have come to the right place. We too have suffered from depression and anxiety which is a very debilitating illness. We care about each other and you! 

I am so sorry to hear about your mother's stroke and all her pain. 

I must tell you how much I admire, respect and congratulate you for leaving home and going to college. You are right you will be able to help yourself first and then help your family. I know how hard that decision had to be what strength that to take to walk out the door but you made the right decision. 

I hear "NO" self pity in your writing just pain. Would you consider going to your GP and tell him what's going on with you and maybe get an antidepressant and a referral to a therapist? We care. I care. Please keep us posted. Diane

4

Thank you for your kind words! Just writing about it really helps a ton, and I know I shouldn't complain because it could be worse. But you know 

5

you have remained strong thus far. so you know you have undeniable strength within you. but please continue to take care of yourself first. you had a rough childhood so its perfectly understandable that you are feeling depressed. but you don't have to continue feeling this way you just need to allow yourself to grow at your own pace. you are still young, you will blossom into a happy being in time. counselling really helps to understand your feelings a bit better. focus on your strengths (resilience, loving, determination) and use those to propel you forward. it just takes time. sending my love to you and good luck.