The last couple years i've been dealing with what i'm told is depression. I've felt this way for really as long as i can remember just on and off and much more subtle but, ever since highschool graduation it's manifested into something i don't want to live with anymore. It's not an exageration when i say nothing brings me happiness anymore. I can't stand being around my friends, family, and i dropped out of university three weeks in because i can't bring myself to try.
I have reached out a few times. The first few people i reached out to don't really keep in touch and at it did hurt but now i feel indifferent towards it. I told my mom and she brought me to my family doctor who started me on cymbalta (which i went cold turkey after a month and a half) and zoloft (which recently i went cold turkey on after my family doct gave me tryptophan and i ended up in emergency with serotonin syndrome.) The drugs made me restless and even more numb to my feelings to the point where i honestly rather feel suicidal than nothing, because it's something.
At the time i was working a horrible job at the dollarstore where my manager used up every last drop of energy i had in me. I got a new job after that stocking shelves at Costco but quit after a day because i knew i couldnt keep up with everybody's upbeat and annoyingly postitive moral. After i quit i spent a month unemployed, alone, and feeling so fed up with myself i tried to commit suicide. I failed and that's about the time i went back for more help and was started on zoloft. After a fight with my parents i went and got a job working for Walmart doing overnight stocking, which i do right now to this day. It's better than the other jobs i've had but it's still something that i don't want to do because realistically i don't have to do it. Plus being an overnight deal it was making my sleeping pattern ridiculous to where i was sleeping only maybe 3-4 hours every couple of days.
So i tried a couple sleeping meds, none worked, went to emergency for SS, quit my meds. In a last try for help a couple days ago i reached out to my bestfriend and simply he explained that maybe the reason why none of the people in my life have been around is because they don't know how to help, or maybe they didn't want to say the wrong things. That put things into perspective a bit but not really enough to make a difference in the wat i'm feeling. He also told me he wanted me to see an actual specialist and suggested i find a new job.
I made an appointment to see a psycologist this wednesday, and have an interview monday morning. But the thing is that i don't want to get better anymore. I really don't see the point in living. I don't want anything. I don't care for people or really their feelings. I don't want to try another round of meds. I don't want to go through the new job process again. I don't want to tell some stranger with a degree things i've repeated a million times.
When i when to the hospital with SS i thought i was having a heart attack. For a moment i thought i was going to die and i knew i could fight or take flight, but i fought. So that must mean there's something inside of me that still wants to live, right? But ever since it happened i've been wishing i would of given up and died.
This honestly might be the last time i ever post here. Everyday i get farther and farther away from wanting to live. I need a reason to try. What's the point in living if you can't enjoy it? Is there really a point of seeing a shrink? or even finding a new job if i'm going to feel the same?
I'm not going to tell you that things will definitely change for you, or that there is 'a point'. I can relate to so much of what you're feeling, and I know the hopelessness of where you're at. It is horrible, awful, and unfair.
I will say this though. You came on this forum and reached out to strangers because regardless of whether you see it as looking for help or not, there's a part of you that wants to be seen for this pain you are in. Even if the only thing you want is to not feel the way you feel right now, that is still a want. And if you still want *something*, there is hope. So go see the psychologist - you never know. At the very least, they will recognise the despair you are in, and unlike your friends and family (and general doctors sometimes too) they *do* know what to say and do. They will listen to you. Give it a chance.
Try not to focus too much on jobs or other things for now, just hold on to the fact that you want this one thing - to not feel how you feel now. It is the only thing that matters.
I whole heartedly agree with what KM75 has written, I too can relate to what you are saying about how you feel. You are not alone there are 100's of us and every ounce of your human self will fight to stay alive. There is no quick fix no magic pill just fight and bloody hard work. I beleave people who suffer from depression are sensitive and deeply feeling, depression steals all your logical thinking and replaces it with self loathing and self distruction. It's not YOU it's the illness you are not depression it is invading you. It makes you think you are no one, it makes you think you don't want to live, it makes you believe you don't matter. There is only one jared01868 and this world needs you weather you like it or not.
Take one day one hour one minute one second at a time, try everything the medics suggest, it might work. Follow the instructions to the letter, don't be stupid with your meds, antidrepressants need to be in your system for at least 3 months to get some effect. Most meds have horrible side effects but persevere they do go away. You're in a battle here I know you can't be bothered I know you just want to lay down and die but you can't so you may as well push yourself to fight.
I can't add to what the others said in their replys except I would like to hear why you are fed up. Can you share this? I'm a pretty old guy. I don't have to commit suicide I just have to wait a while longer and bam-I'm gone. Why someone young would want to quit life when you have all the time in the world to do whatever you want awaits is beyond my understanding. Can you share this? I hope you will Jared. Maybe you can help me out a little.
I'm fed up because i wake up and i don't want to do anything with my life. I know i'm young and i should be full of energy and living life but i have no interest in doing such. I hate that i can't stand the company of any of my friends and family. I hate that i can't accomplish anything because i can't focus on anything. I'm fed up because i know eventually i'm going to push everybody away and i won't have anything and there's nothing i can do about it. I'm tired of trying to convince myself that things will get better when i've been watching things get worse and worse. I'm disgusted in who i am becoming. I'm not expecting to have me and my life all sorted out, i was just expecting at this point of my life i'd actually want to find out what things i can do and achieve, but i don't. I've already started to notice my friends, especially my best friend is starting to back away from me, and it won't be long until i'm alone. I don't want to actually be alone, especially when i feel like i am all the time. It's like i'm torturing myself and i'd rather but an end to it before i hurt anybody else.
well Jared you can sure write well so you arent dumb. Some of our worlds greatest intellectuals started out feeling alot like you. Many people don't have brain enough to think outside the box or they don't give much thought about life they just go thru it. Tell me whats the best thing you like about yourself or what do you like to do best of all? You sound alot like my son. He died a few years back. He was a good kid but wanted more out of life than just existing so he went up to Alaska and we all thought he would be home inside a week but he lived up there for 14 years and loved it. He actually put a sail on a kayak and made it to Russia and he got a job as a long line fisherman and got a little piece of land and built his own cabin-he died in a car accident on the AlCan highway. But he was happy for those years. Sometimes we get fed up with mundane life, you know?
I am happy you are still here Jared. It is okay that you don't have an answer. When I was much younger I pretty much hated life and I couldn't say why, really. I would have out of body expereiences. Nothing fit. Everything seemed so damn phony. I think I hated life-my life anyway. So I challenged everything. dropped out of school and joined the military. What a mistake in the beginning at least. for me growing up under a dad who beat the hell out of us and hollered and hollered the military was the last thing I needed but then after basic I found my niche. A purpose.
just my thought and doesn't have to mean anything but I discovered that I am the Master of my fate and the captain of my soul, after all-like that saying goes.
you know?
I discovered that is the key. We are what we think we are.
We do what we want. We don't need approval and if we don't seek it we sure as hell won't get it.
I learned how to un-try.
If I wanted to jump out of a plane or climb a mountain or write a book or jump off a bridge that was my perrogative.
I think that was why my son lived his life the way he did. I played the game. you know-the parent, husband, father. But I sure as heck didn't 'do' the things I wanted to do after I got married. I played the role someone said we have to play. I forgot that life is supposed to be
some kind of BS magic.
Well, I was wrong. When I was young and healthy and happy I didn't need to change anything. Someone said: Life is wasted on the young.
Thats it in a nut shell. an old guy can look back and say wow-I wasted it. a young guy or gal says-wow-is this it? Is this all there is to life? endless need? need to be popular or different or the same or better looking or it would all be good without that pimple! Long hair-short hair-
you want to fit in but be fdifferent and darn it sucks to be me.
I think you said alot when you said you didn't have an answer. Thats enough. It is honest-clean.
thanks. It isn't everyday someone actually speaks the truth anynore.
wow Jared-thanks alot. I think I was at a point in my life when I felt like: Is this all there is? or, why do I feel this way? or why do I have to perform like some damn puppet? And even that isn't really hitting it on the head. I didn't feel right-I was in someone elses skin and people didn't think like me or get waht I was trying to say. I was me and me wasn't what they were seeing. So many different things. If I was sitting still I wanted to do something else-boredom or anxiety or just put the damn brakes on and let it all slide on past me. So I went in this un-trying zone-checked out and didn't care anymore. So when I stopped playing the game peope-friends started backing off. Or thats what I thought. I think I was sending them wrong signals-they wern't getting it. It never dawned on me that they were in their own world and me in mine and -well-it seemed so futile.
I feel the same exact way where I don't want to live anymore I really don't. I'm not numb to my feelings tho I wish I was kinda.... but being emotionless or being in constant emotional pain... both aren't good...and I don't think one is better than the other.
We both don't want live... I'm in my 20s we both might be around the same age. Idk. But you're probably tired of trying to better yourself because it seems as tho nothing's working and things are the same way...that's what I feel...but I'm only still alive because I have family and if I end my own life...I'll make theirs a living hell. I don't want to do that to them. I'm sure there's someone family or not who cares. You're afraid of pushing people away? Well just think of how they would feel if you ended your life. In the meantime while I'm still living for these people..I'm still trying to better myself...I might as well since I have to stay here for a while. I hate it tho and I can relate to how it is. We just gotta keep trying and make the best out of it somehow. Besides we both aren't psychics...how do we know if we don't keep putting in the hard work for it, it won't make up for it in the future? You never really know... how long it's going to take or if it's going to remain. You don't know that fursure. You don't want to hurt anyone and it'll make it worse if you killed yourself. Might as well keep trying and just find out what's going to happen while we're here lol.
I hope you're alive and at least feeling a little more hopeful than you felt nine months ago. All I can add Is, "as long as there is life there is hope." I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but some point in life I think we all turn the death genes into action.
I have no solutions or plan of action, but maybe if you can connect and truly love just one person or creature on this earth maybe it might just be enough to get you though, one day at a time.
I'm Ryan. I found this thread because I googled "I don't want to live anymore". I googled this phrase because, on many days, I don't want to live. I say that just so it will make sense when I say that I am familiar with feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, disconnection, being lost, and despair. While reading what you are and have been struggling with, I was amazed. You are an amazing person! To be able to fight through what you have and come out the other end an articulate, well-spoken ("written" in this case), sensitive person with such high standards for oneself is truly awesome. Well done! I hope you are taking care of yourself and treating yourself with the love and compassion that you deserve (even though you might not feel like you do). If you can, will you check in on here to let us know how you're doing? I have followed this thread.
I'm alive and doing well enough to live, still it's been rough. It throws me off that this thread even pops up even near the top when googled, but i guess that's what i get for being articulate.
I still don't know what i'm doing, and i still have some really bad days. I haven't attempted since; 636 days since my last fatal attempt actually.
Thanks for reaching out, sharing, and the kind words. Hopefully you're doing better than the last time you googled "I don't want to live anymore."
I honestly understand how you feel.. I know what it is like going through depression. I myself feel I don't want to live because certain things don't interest me anymore because the more the merrier the more I am depressed, because I think to myself "what makes them so happy?" "Positive?" "Why can't I experienced that feeling?" Etc.. nothing in this world can make me feel at home other than inviting death. Death is what will make these re occuring things that irritate other people go away and everyone will be in peace. No more depression. No more suicidal thoughts. 😞
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
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Do you still feel like you don't want to feel anymore? Because I know I don't. I have parents that love me, a sister that adores me but they all stay almost a day sway from where I live right now because of my job. I am a loner and I'm emotionally close to my family. In the past onew year, since I started working here, I've missed each and every one of the celebrations back home and I hate it here. People hate me, or tend to after a while. That's kind of how I am. I know they do because people have always hated me. I don't kno why. Ever since childhood this kept happening over and over again. And it's painful. But I want to live for the people who love me. So I have to stop feeling the pain I guess? I don't know. I read that pets help cope with depression and I have two beautiful birds with me here. It's probably why I'm not deeper into this. But I feel like I'm doing a lot of injustice to them every moment of the day and I'm tired. I want to end it because I'm owe it to my family for all their love. I can't just take that away. So I just want to be numb so everything just goes on like it should. Yes I think of self harm, I won't deny it. But I never attempted coz I'm just too afraid. I hate this. But I want to know if this will pass. Maybe it will help someway....