I really really need your help in order to get perspective in order to cope with the situation im going thru and get out of doubts on whether its the relation or the anxiety making me feel like i should give up on my 5 years boyfriend.
I get anxious whenever I see him or see his name on my phone however i love him a lot and dont want to hurt him. We have been together for 3 years and its been 1 year that we are both living together in a foreign country from ours due to him being transferred for work... i made some friends there but feels lonely plus he works a lot and he doesnt have time for us.. or when hes home he just zone out and we never have fun alone together unless we go out with other people in groups.. he doesnt engage in conversations and hes cold yet he loves me so much and takes me out every weekend with his friends and we have lots of fun, but never alone.. i crave intimate emotions together alone ... its always in groups and hes always all over me when we r out but at home hes less.. lets say a bit more distant ....i tried to talk to understand but w’he would withdraw or become defensive.. i once told him i feel we r like housemates.. he didnt give it importance but its true thats how I feel sometimes... i do many many things to light up the spark (surprize dinners, bring beers to lift up the mood after a long day, try to joke and tease him) but nthn i do rly works... unless we r out with people then he becomes super in love kissing me non stop. I started feeling very lonely, missing my home, i gave up everything for him to be with him in this new country and now i feel lonely with him. I tried to talk but he would reject intimacy and communication until i started having panick attacks. I left the country to come home for a few days/weeks till im better and than will go back again (i told him i need perspective thats why im leaving because if he lives in his world and i live in my world than whats the point in living together)... he was shocked and said he thought i was happy and that he didnt expect this.. now since im far away hes opening up , communicating, being more sweet, have conversation, hes doing everything for me to come back ASAP but i feel anxious by the thought of seeing him again or going back there! Yet i care for him i dont want to hurt him and i just get more anxious .. help plsss!! Do you think i got depressed being in that far away country isolated without his support? And my anxiety is putting me on fight/flight mode? Or did i fall out of love? Or am i just realizing i deserve better? Am i being unfair to think like this? Am i asking for too much? Al i unhappy because of the relation or because i have anxiety and im depressed? I feel im going crazy! Im scared to make the wrong decision.. i know only I can know whats best for me but i cant tell if its my obssessive thoughts or the actual reality that are making me feel this way. He said he will change but i dnt believe people can change suddently.. and even if he changes i feel i need to breathe. Helppp! And thanks a lot for the replies!
I genuinely don’t understand why he would behave like that in public but be distant at home? It makes absolutely no sense. If you’re lonely at home with him then you’re not in the right relationship. Relationships should bring you comfort and company and understanding and fun ... not boredom and loneliness. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. You’re making all the effort. It has to be a two way street. I think you should speak to him about all this and if nothing improves for your own sanity - walk away.
Feeling not loved and lonely is so hard i think for all of us females and with him not communicating when alone and avoiding as much as he can at home. Have you ever put him on the spot in front of all his friends when he starts being all affectionate and call him on his game that he doesnt do that at home? I would myself call it out bigtime and make sure it was in front of all his friends. He will never expect it if u have never done it. Im a very outspoken person and i know there are alot of women who arent. If you are still back in your home country...if you don't have work or anything to go back where he is then i would prolong my visit and he says he will change etc and you are right that it can be all talk and no action. If you can stay in your home city then i would prolong my stay and tell him you havent decided when you will return and have not bought a return ticket yet either. Point out that he has said he is going to change but ask him to explain what HE is going to change. He can just go ahead when you voice what u need and he will agree he will change. Ask him what he is gonna change. Not you saying what u need etc.. let him say what he is going to change cause its easy for a guy to just agree and say he is gonna change when you say what it is that you are needing. As well as i say that if u can stay back in your home city and never give him a date etc when you will be returning. Make him NEED to want you. Most men have a hard time being alone. So he needs to want you and your love an affection. With him being alone with you gone is probably difficult for him so he will agree "i will change" etc. I'm not sure of your age but i am 42 and ive been where u are and i made him want me and i also moved out on my own and it drove him crazy cause i always had my own place to go and many times i wouldnt see him or have him over or go to his place and i refused to give him a key and let me tell ya...it doesnt take long for them to be kissing your feet and showing you the love and attention that you need. I still kept my own apartment still for a good while cause i wanted to make sure that it wasn't all talk. I don't think its depression. As i say...not feeling loved and being lonely and having your boyfriend change from what he use to be to now totally different is very difficult and you left and went with him for his job and you uprooted your life for him. If your friends are part of his friends too...you probably don't want to share that with them either.
These are just some things i did when i was in the similar situation. Im sure there are other replies with different things to do. I just wanted to reply when i had read your post.
Hi Veronica - sorry to read you are suffering. Oh, the pain of love! This time away is perfect opportunity to reassess what you are feeling. It seems you are doing all the work in your relationship - constantly working to make him happy, surprise dinners, beer, levity etc - and he seems to have slipped into himself, perhaps thinking he has what he wants so why should he make any effort anymore. the bit about him all over you in front of friends seems a little possessive to me. Do you think maybe you are a trophy for him? Changing his ways requires effort. Will he bother with that? Also, I am wondering why you are taking on the burden of depression? It sounds like perhaps HE is depressed, putting on a show for his friends while you are seeing him in his true state at home. Take this time away to think about what you really want. Settling for less than we want/deserve is not an option. Your needs are important. Another thing - what was right at one stage in life is not necessarily right for all your life. We learn and evolve at different rates. Don't let anyone hold you back. If it's over, then rip it off like a band aid. It'll hurt in the interim, but not near as much as if you do it slowly, finding yourself never quite free to pursue your future.
Right? Its strange.. usually it should be the opposite.. thats why i always questionned myself and after all these years it created in me a sense of self doubt ... i kept questionning myself and my worth and i reached a point where im damaged and ao hurt . Thank you so much really for your comment. He promised he will change but indoubt peope can change their true nature.. im overwhelmed and have constant anxiety
Thank you so much for the time you took to reply to my post. I never put him on the spot.. i always thought that with time he would open up.. but after all this time living together and seeing that no progress was made, i started thinking maybe this is all there is and its very superficial.. seems fake no? I felt isated and lonely.. he didnt feel that? Or am i askig too much? A relation is about sharing.. its not my first relation.. i never felt “rejected” or “not needed” before like i did now.. but i always put excuses: hes too tired from work, he lived alone for many years he needs time to adapt, hes moody today... we do have fun sometimes and show physical affection but hes a cold person in his words and gestures in general.. he said he will change and hes always contacting me and trying to get me back but i doubt its real because the nature of a person cannot change.. or it can? And still i got to a point where i got scared/too tired to try again but im also scared to lose all thise years... i get a mini anxiety attack every time i think of it but some days i feel very lonely and start to miss him.. i feel down.. the world seems strange... i thought he was the one i was gona live my whole life with.. i thought he needed time to open up more to me.. and i left it all because i believed in him and i feel so empty and hurt. Thank u so much really for the advices... i will stay as long as i need till i feel better.. i feel so much support and the replies i receive are like a breath of fresh air.. i feel selfless... ive done everything and always treated him with love and respect.. if he didnt want to be with me he should of said so, but then he says he loves me more than anything in the world and cnt live without me to please not leave him.. but how can u love a person and be so indifferent towards that person? Thank u once again!!! Sending u a bucket full of sunshine
Thank you so much for your reply. Indeed ive always made the efforts for the relation by adapting to him... thanks for giving me this new perspective .. maybe he has problems/ issues and i keep focusing that on me as if i am to blame... maybe we grew apart.. as you said if im nt happy than thats the main point to focus on. Ive done all that i could, tried communicating and all and never got him to discuss anything deep.. it was all superficial in my mind but he seemed shocked when i told him i wasnt happy.. for him we had the perfect life. But how can someone think its a perfect life if there is qbsolutely no sharing in the relation? No intimate emotional connection? Only chit chat and partying, eating and the basics of a relation.. nothing more, no sharing of emotions, problems, no relying on each other for anything and when i do he would withdraw.. in 4 years he never proposed to travel alone.. always in groups... is it normal to think something is wrong with me???? I had relations before and all was fine in that intimate side.. i have a career, i look decent, im a hard worker.. im very loving and caring, family person, i dress up sexy classy and serious when i have to.. always had men chasing me.. meaning im not someone odd.. my friends, had them for yearsssss i keep my friendships usually with no disappointments and care for the world.. but today i ahve no self esteem i was left selfless and i dnt feel im worth anything anymore .. and he still doesnt wana let me go!!! So whats the story????? It doesnt make any sense to me why he acts like this... whats his story???
Hi again Veronica - thank you for responding. You sounds absolutely fabulous, a very healthy self esteem, and have stated that you have never had issues like this in relationships before. What's different? The man. The more you have described the more the inclination to assert that the problem lies with him. This inability of his to be alone with himself is quite telling. I wonder what he is afraid of in the silence. Sounds like he got very comfortable in his life with you around to just be there. I hate to suggest that perhaps that is his challenge in life - to learn to be alone, to embrace who he is himself - it's so important for each individual and builds strength and character.
Another wonder - has his childhood been discussed at all? Any anomalies there? Perhaps just a needy person? Could be something there that he is hiding from. It can be tough for males to open up and reveal - this societal insistence that we all man-up and bury our emotions can be very damaging.
If I was in your shoes and considering a future with him i would be insisting he explains the why's and wherefores behind his distance and then see if he is willing to work through it. Many of us have been in similar situations - i can absolutely understand what you are feeling, the pain of exclusion, the distress about it, then self-blaming because perhaps we are asking too much. Nope. If it's an intimate relationship then all elements must be approachable and balanced to serve both of you. We want certainty in our intimate relationships. After 4 years i think you have reach a crossroad. If he can't or won't reveal then you need to decide if this is the type of man you can live with or whether the need to fullfil the parts that are missing requires you to move on. You can lead a horse to water and all that. I don't envy your task, it's painful. Maybe you have outgrown him. Whatever you decide, we are always here to talk.
Hi Wayne! Thank you SO much for the help and support! It feels really good to find people i dont know willing to help, especially after feeling so lonely in my own relationship with someone who was physically there.
You are right... maybe he is afraid to face himself which is why he cant stand being alone with himself.. if someone is fine, they wouldnt be afraid of what the silence would bring to the surface... and u are right because once I spent the whole day at home and had a great time and he told me he didnt know how I was able to spend a whole day in a house alone, that we would of gone crazy! I told him I watched tv, I cooked something new that I saw on youtube, I watered the plants, listened to music while checking stuff online, had my little coffee and ciggy moment where I tend to question the meaning of life, I read a bit and felt there was more to do if the day would be longer. He said he can only spend a wholw day at home if hes tired - sleeping and tv (usually sundays).
We never spoke about his childhood or his past.. on the phase of getting to know each other, he would listen to me talking about the bullying I experienced when I was a kid (I lived in a different country from mine my parents were diplomats back in the days) and I told him how these things affected me and how I solved them etc and he would get tired of hearing my past saying the past doesnt matter.. the more I think, the more I reqlize he never asks questions about me... he just wants me there but I dont even know if he even cares about who I really am inside.. He only knows my fav drink on a night out, and my fav perfume and bag brands. The things about me that are not superficial, he tends to attack me with them such as: if I get out of my way to help others he thinks im stupid, he doesnt want me to to too open and talkative in public because he says people will think im flirty, if im being nice to women than im being fake.. if I tell him i want to talk about something that hurt me he withdraws and says im too emotional and need to grow up. When he comes home from work I would receive him with a smile and a hug but he would stop it after not even 2 seconds .. i wouldnt even have the time to put my arms around him properly lets say and he would say something like: okay okay relax chill and walk to his room to change... but than in public he loves to hug me and kiss me and dance and show the world how happy we are. .. eventho at home i feel rejected. He always says hes happy with me and everything is fine.. and when i try to go deeper with examples of differences in his behavior with me he bevomes defensive and says after all these years there is nthn to talk about its very normal to be sitting and watch tv.. we r the couple the if alone in q restaurant, we r looking at the phones.. and im not like that with other people.. i have so many things to say but i feel whatever i say hes annoyed. Anyways this reply is way too long. I just wanted to thank you for the support - i trully feel better ... he said hes gona change that im right that he should of made more efforts to open up more etc but i have no more energy.. nthn justifies why he was like that.. ive alwqys been good to him, maybe thats why.. but regardless, i just want to be loved without having to worry constantly if this person is acting like this or like that because of xyz. It should be easy and natural... i still cant cut the relation completelty im afraid to go out there and find worse.