I dont really know if this is bad but I need some answers

Mental health
1

Hello.

My first post here, I'm 26 years old male from europe. I do now know where to post this.. but I really like to hear some opinions if possible..

So this is my story and problem (gonna try to explain it as much possible as I can):

First of, last time I saw my dad was when I was about 4 years old, after that my mother had a new husband.

Second: I was bullied in school for 6 years straight since the first day, during that time according to my sister I became really quiet, shy and I liked to be in my own "space" alone.

I got depressed in year 2001 (according to doctors) or so when my mother died because of suicide and I was about 12 years old. I was moved to a foster home year before that. My foster home was perfect as far as compared to life with my real mom; and I've heard the stories of other foster homes my country that are not so "perfect". No any complaints about that.

I lived there a year when I heard my mother had died, my sister told me for 2 years that it was an "accident" but later she told me that it was really a suicide.

I continued to live with my foster mom until age of 19 when I moved to another city far away with my first-love girlfriend, but in same country from the foster home/my home town.

I lived 1 year with my girlfriend but then we broke up (it was her decision, I wasn't paying enough attention for her). After that I moved back to the same town where my foster home was in my own apartment.

Maybe after 1-2 years living in my own apartment I got really depressed and tried a suicide which was more likely a cry for help in my mind.

I was given medicine for my depression (Cipralex), but my mood was changing from side to another (emotionally) so I stopped using it.

After that until end of last year, I tried suicide again and was hospitalized for 3 weeks in (dont know the english word but..) the "place where people go" after trying a suicide.

Then during the 3 weeks I got medicine to eat called "Voxra" (this maybe with different name than the marketing 'Voxra' name in my country: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bupropion)

The problem that bothers me:

After that, I sort of "developed" a "skill".. I use to do programming and creating levels on various video games and when I have a problem with something, mostly with programming or level creation but can be anything else too like how to fill out some form for any official stuff:

I tell it to my friend(s) or sister, and just right after I've told about my problem I feel like I'm the person I told it to and immediately figure out the problem.. try the "fix I got" and it works.

Am I just too concerned for nothing or what is this, is that problem some symptom of something?

- Mika

2

Hello I am sorry you had a difficult childhood with being bullied and the shock of losing your mum to suicide. My daughters lost their dad to suicide when they wer both little and i have some idea how this must feel for you. Depression can be caused when we cannot express how we feel and inward anger. Your father abandoning you, your mothers suicide and your girlfriend leaving you are all issues of abandoment and the bullying you suffered as a child have inpacted on your life, and the fact your sister kept from you how your mother died. Have you considered counselling as i feel you real need to talk about these issues in your life, otherwise they will fester. Medication can help you deal with things on a day to day basis and there are lots of different ones to try. I don't know how the system works in your country and i am not sure where you are. Please get help. You have come to a good supportive forum here where we can try and support you and talk to you. Hope this helps .Please keep in touch here to let us know how you are getting on. 

Best wishes.

Elizabeth. 

3

I'm no expert, but it sounds like something you have discovered which is helpful to you, and not a negative thing. Thoughts can get quite jumbled and often get stuck in a loop, repeating the same patterns. It sound like you have discovered a way to get out of a loop - by sharing the problem you are able to move your thoughts forward and see them with perspective?

4

Great reply rs - spot on.  Nutcracker you sound like a very intelligent person and your quietness and reserve at school whilst increased by your circumstances was probably already your own style and you were by definition a quiet and studious person.  Highly intelligent people often have a very different way of analysing their thoughts to those with only basic intellect - you just sound like you've found the perfect answer to - as rs says - getting out of the loop and moving forward.  See it as a positive and good thing hon.