I feel absolutely dead inside.

Mental health
1

I just... I don't even know where to begin, so I guess I'll just start from the beginning. Up until the age of 15 I was a happy, care free go lucky kid. Very open about being a gay male, wore eyeliner, I guess I just did me and never really cared what anybody thought, and then my life changed for the worse. One night I was mugged and held at knife point by three guys and from then on my life and emotional well being has just spiralled lower and lower. Up until college I could still do simple tasks by myself and then during my gap year where I did absolutely nothing, I became my own worst enemy. I'm now 20 and to this day I still I can't go to a shop by myself, get on a bus by myself, basically do anything alone. And when I do, because sometimes there's situations I can't afford, I feel like I'm going to die. Emotionally and physically. I get so worked up, can't concentrate, sweat, shake and tense up. I can't look people in the eye and automatically assume that everybody I encounter or see is laughing or judging me. I guess being a gay male, not the most masculine guy in the world I see myself as an easy target to crime and hate. And I just... It's horrible.

I then moved to uni (I only went to the uni I chose because my best friend went a year before and I got used to it), again highlighting my pathetic inability to be by myself and do things I'm not comfortable or familiar with. I go to uni in London and to this date I have still not gone to a shop, got on a bus or a train/tube by myself, just because of my fear that I am everyone's object of ridicule. It was then my anxiety turned into hard blown depression as half way through my first week, my mum was found dead on a beach (suicide - she suffered from bipolar to cut a long story short) and I haven't been the same since and I think my heartbreak and depression has only made my anxiety worse. I kid you not, every night at uni I literally got drunk, because that was the only way I could feel at ease and go out with my house mates, etc. But I had to get smashed because feeling relatively sober just unables me to have a good time because I'm constantly on edge.

Since being home, it's been great to be away from hectic busy London and I'm dreading going back because the area I'm living in is sorrounded by many council estates. I hate to stereotype, but I only say this because the area has been known to have a few issues. And even the little things like the ten minute walk to uni by myself and not being on campus where I'm close to everything... I'm just filled with dread and absolutely making myself ill over it. Since being home I've been on 20mg of fluoxetine and and had one hypnotherapy session, but so far nothing's helped and I feel like nothing will. All I think about is the future because how the hell am I supposed to get a job or do anything out of my comfort zone without someone else by my side?

Even though I'm petrified of death I really just wish it'd welcome me. I can't let myself live.

2

Hello there dear

Well you are in a pickle! Now then, what happened to you was frightening and stripped your confidence away. It would have frightened anyone. And whilst I appreciate you feel more vulnerable, being gay, the biggest burliest fellow in the world would have been a "victim" when faced with three knife wielding thugs. My own son, all of 6ft 4inches was mugged one night and almost lost a finger and was severly beaten...he is neither gay nor the stereotype easy target so, in that respect, no one is safe.

When one factors in what happened with your poor Mum this compounded your sorrow, fear and anxiety. You are dealing here not only with grief and sadness but with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One session with the hypnotherapist is not adequate to have an impact upon yet. Further assistance in that respect will be required. I don't know how long you have been on the meds but you must take into consideration these have to be absorbed into the system. They do not bring instant relief. And whilst everyone is different usually we are talking about 6-8 weeks for them to take effect. The GP has sensibly started you on a low dose and might consider, in the fullness of time if you are not gaining from them, either upping the dose or switching the meds. That is something you need to talk over with the doctor. He is the best person, the only person, that can advise you upon this subject.

The thing with Anxiety Disorder is you have to learn to deal with the here and now. Looking ahead, wondering how will you cope, will only serve to throw you into a state of panic. This is a day by day problem. Can't change yesterday. Don't know how you will feel tomorrow. So, it's the here and now you must face and face it with positivity.

Thinking you will never get better, nothing will help, is negative thinking. Trying to fight the symptoms, shrinking before them, fearing them will only add to the problems. You have to accept that which you feel. Nothing bad will happen to you. Anything you fear is in the mind, conjured by the anxiety.

Sadly we do live in a society where crime abounds. But we cannot go through life thinking, What if? and being scared of living because of it. You are very young and have suffered the most appalling trauma. You have to give yourself time to heal, both from the attack and from losing your Mum. People here on this site are, believe you me, incredible, wonderful and totally unselfish. Everyone will help you. Everyone will share their own experiences, their means of coping. This will do much in helping you personally, believe me. Not to be alone and afraid and to know, no matter how big or small the problem, someone is there for you is healing in itself.

Hugs from Helen xx

3

sorry to hear your heart breaking story. you have to be strong in this world and stand up to the bullies.  Have you thought about self defence classes. It worked for me.  You just have to know when to walk away as well and you did that with your mugging. And I am sorry your mum died it must be very upsetting to talk about.

Don't be afraid of death it's like falling asleep so when it comes be ready but not afraid.

4

Hello. First of all u have been through so so much in such a short space of time.

What happened to u obviously kicked off all the horrible feelings which then became worse when ur mom passed. I was the same.

What u have been through is enough to floor most people but ur still going, yes I know u think ur not coping but you've posted on here. That's a massive step to getting help.

Identify how u feel and when ur having a bad day remind urself that it's completely normal to feel so low when you've been through what u have.

Talk to ur doctor again and keep persevering with the sessions as talking really helps.

Come on here too as seeing others feeling similar makes u realise ur not alone

Always here to chat, stay strong xxx