I feel really dumb, stupid, and worthless.

Mental health
1

I can't take it anymore, it's time for me to ask my question and find out what's really causing me to be a really really worthless human being.

About me:

I am 17 years old, was originally born in the Philippines. I moved to Canada in the late 2008, I was 12 years old by then. I went to my very first school, where kids talked English, and I didn't even know how to speak English. Thank god, there were two kids there that spoke my language! However, as the time passed by, I felt bullied by these 3 kids who were trying to put me in trouble. Such as, turning on the radio, and then leaves it open while I'm in the room alone (Yeah, I didn't really get to hang out with anyone, especially the kids that spoke my language). My classmates began to avoid me because my teachers spent most of their time teaching me english words. I felt really stupid by then, it felt as if I needed to kill myself and let them have everything. However, I wasn't weak, I avoided them just by doing my hobby, which was drawing.

I only stayed in that school for 1 year, because I was in grade 7 by then. I went to high-school feeling depressed, thinking about how many more students I had to counter with. There were more people that spoke my language, but I didn't want to hang out with them, because first... I'm shy and bi, and my brother were friends with most of them, and I didn't really want to interact with them. I was a loner since then. My daily life were the same, day after day. Goes to school, try to learn but can't learn anything because of thinking way too much things such as "Where am I gonna go at lunch?". This habit kept going for about 4 years. However, between those years, my english improved a lot. When I was finally in grade 11, I finally got into a regular english class! but that didn't really changed anything in my life. I still went out at lunch pretending I went home for lunch. Depression and Anxiety began to increase. Grades were too low and didn't even make friends since grade 8. Until now that I'm in my seniors, I still don't consider anyone as my friends. I do hang out with a couple of people, but it feels like they don't consider me as their friend. On the other hand, I've been having learning disability lately. Since my grammar improved a lot in the passed few years, I began to overlook at them. The more I overlooked at my mistake, the more mistakes I've been making. The more mistakes I've been making, the more I asked myself questions repeatedly. As for my speaking, I used to be really good at talking in class (being the class' clown), but... I don't know, my pronounciation suddenly gotten worst. I am really bad at explaining things now, unlike before.

Life has been so hard for me, that I couldn't even find out what I want to be when I grow up. I really want to be a graphic designer and a veterinarian, but how am I suppose to achieve this goal when I'm really bad at socializing?

Problems I think I have:

Social Anxiety

Mental illness (When I think someone likes me, I throw rolled papers at the trash, until 1 paper goes in, proving he/she likes me) (Reading things over again, making sure I read and understood what it said)

Lisp (I couldn't pronounce R, and I think my accent is getting in the way)

Alzheimer disease (I've been forgetful lately, it's hard to remember a thing I saw/read)

Always think the negative things that people think of me

Mixing things up (Things I say is no longer making sense, unless I try my best to fix it before saying it)

Skipping words (I always skip words when typing/writing)

Overlooking at things such as grammar/comments/pictures/questions/answers

Ashamed of my voice (I was born with an asthma, basically been coughing for 12 years, and I believe my vocal chords got affected. Now I sound like a frog/oompaloompa)

Believing myself or not

Become hyper (when I feel really positive, and think like I'm better (which I'm not)

Things I'm really good at:

Being creative

Publishing my works (painting, ideas, short stories and poems)

Self taught

Thinking about other people (Thinking ahead about how they'd feel when I ask them/ tell them things)

Sorry if this is so long, but this is how my life has been without seeking out for help. There are things I missed, but this is it for now. Hopefully someone got a solution.

2

Take a step back and look at all those things you are great at! You are a very creative and talented person, I think that you are like me, I always look and negative aspects of my life and dwell on them until the problem seems far bigger than it actually it (I used to do this all the time! I too had a rough time as a child)

To help myself out of this I distract myself by doing something I am confidant with, I build dolls houses and then give them away to kids who don't have much, that makes me feel happy and worthwhile and that I am a good person and not anynofbthose name the bullies called me.

Try distraction, do something that makes you feel good and your confidence will soar!

remember you are a lovely intelligent and kind hearted person smile I believe in you

to

3

It doesn't sound to me like you have mental illness - you sound like someone who is shy and anxious who is being bullied. Does your school have any arrangements to support students who are struggling because of language difficulties or bullying? Maybe there is a counsellor that you could see. You are someone who has many skills and resources who has had to cope with a difficult life situation that's not your fault. Believe in yourself - you are strong.

4

I see you are suffering, as I said before, it is the others winding you up not you.

I think that you have potential to do something if you just believe in yourself and try to be your own man.  Try not to get diagnosis off the internet -alzheimers is a degenerative disease you get when you are older.  Be brave and keep fighting on.

Richard

5

Hey Sweetie,

I know how you feel! Our stories are very similar. I also immigrated to USA when I was 12 years old. Although, I studies English back in my country, I could not speak or understand anything anyone was saying. In addition to this, I wasn't accustomed to the American culture yet. After about a year, I started speaking English fairly well and I met a few nice girls in 8th grade, who were also new to the school. Unfortunately, one year later, we graduated from junior high and ended up going to different high schools. Because I lived in a different school district. I ended up going to a different high school from all my new friends. I ended up all alone again. Lucky for me, there was a group of nice girls that decided to include me in their group (to this day I think they felt sorry for me). I was happy that I didnt have to spend my lunch hour alone, even though I didnt know anything about those girls. After a quarter of the school year, my parents decided to move closer to my father's job which was an hour away. We ended up moving to a different city and, because high school did not start until 10th grade in that city, I ended up going back to 10th grade in middle school again! I was alone all over again. I made a new friend there, who was a very nice girl and also new to the school. She became my best friend. We ended up going to the same high school togeather as well. Her and I made some other friends in high school through school clubs and activities, but I never felt like I was quite fitting in. It felt like something was missing until I went to college. While in college, I met some people from my country and we instantaneously clicked. It felt like I found the missing piece. Being friends with people from my country allowed me to be myself in the way I couldnt be with friends from other countries. 

On the other hand, I still feel pretty dumb. I know I am smart person. I am very analytical, resourceful, creative, etc...However, I also have trouble explaining things to people or telling stories. Its like the way I explain things to people are backwards or I forget the details of what I am trying to explain. Also, even though I am very fluent in English, i use the wrong words or forget them all together (especially if I am nervous). Same thing happens when I speak in my native language (although I am not as fluent in my native language anymore, so thats understandable). It also varies on day-by-day basis. I feel unbalanced, because my mind can be working fine one day, but the next day I am not able to think straight. I also have problems with focus and memory. Not sure about focus, but I had perfect memory when I was a kid. My parents where excited that I was able to memorize children's books word-by-word from the first time they read it to me. Now I am forgetting things that require memorization, like titles or names. I also always forget things when I leave the house. In addition to this, I also have to read things twice before I comprehend the message and I catch myself a lot not being able to follow monologues. I catch myself paying more attention to facial expressions or what the speaker is doing, rather than the content of the speech. With all of the above happening to me, I started developing social anxiety as well. I was afraid meeting with people one-on-one...because I was afraid my mind would blank our and I wouldn't know how to respond to their stories or not able to share a story myself. 

With all that being said, I do think that maybe our mutual background of moving to another country during our adolescent years, had skewed our mental and emotional development somehow. However, I just want to let you know that it is not all that bad. You can learn how to cope with your drawbacks and focus on your strengths as an individual. Although, I have those setbacks, I still have a great life. I  am over a decade older than you, so I can confidently tell you that as long as focus on your dreams and your goals, you can achieve whatever you want, it may just require you to work a little harder at it and be a little more patient. I have been having a great life after high school and I love my life! You will too! wink

6

First, alzhamer its an olds people illiness, I'm really sure you dont have it. But you could suffer of anxiety. I'm a senior medschool student, and what I can tell is that you can have an anxiety disorder. There are a lot of psychiatrist that can help you about it, It is a common health dissease. You should go to a psychiatrist that colud give you some antidepressants tha will help you. You can recover from it! But please put some effort on it, and then with some norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors you can feel good about yourself smile 

7

Your actually a very intelligent and creative individual. No body in this world is perfect and knows everything. Just keep moving forward. I thought the same thing about myself and started a pity party for myself and thought of ending it. But my faith in God stopped me from that negativity. Plus not to mention all the people I'll hurt because they love me. So I looked forward and prayed every day and nothing but positive thoughts. I also carried a small note pad because my memory sucks. So i write everything down . I hope I helped you bro

8

to be honest i am same like you but yor are very younger than me.so dont take stress and talk yours doctor.i hope well get soon.

9

Hi my name is asgar. My life has been the same way as yours. I was good at rememberimg things first. I used to get good grades until my 12th grade.of course I was always acting stupid and always shy especially with girls I used to be away as far as I can and besides I'm a very skinny guy. Everyone used to make fun of me the way I walked my disorganized speech. In my 11th grade my life changed a lot when I started seeing some great movies like the silence of the lambs, the godfather, milk, shame and many more. The thing that made me happy was that none of my classmates understood those kind of movies. They were content with those movies where style was more important than emotion. I made me feel that I was different and could be a good person in my own way. Of course I still had no friends but I had a professor at college who shared my taste for films. All I'm saying is that for people like me at first I really craved for friends and would always end up feeling sh*tty. At last I just said myself that having friends was just something to make myself feel secure and maybe I could find something more than friends In my life.this year was the worst one in my life beacuse I began feeling nothing and the feeling of loneliness went deep and brooding. I had thoughts of suicide everyday. But in the end I know I had to go through this and it was meant to happen. I endured pain this much so that I could understand someone else's pain. Everything happens for a reason. Another important part of my life was music. During this so called depression music of artists like Nick Drake ,Radiohead kept me feeling alive If atlest for a small time. There are so many people in worst kind of pain all around the world. Maybe this is for you to grow as a person for how your life went.solitude is not an enemy. Keep empathy and patience if you can. Remember you are only as good as your past. And your life depends on your what you see in your tomorrow . I do hope for you that it's good. If anyone thought that this post made no sense please say so. The things I've written on this post were never told to anyone. Thanks

10

The exactly same. what happened to me 😔

11

hey! from philippines here smile ugh I feel the same way to. everything that you said there, those were all my experinces and right now I still am like that. Poetry and song writing is the only thing that kind of makes me feel good. reading what you wrote in there was like reading a diary for me. Really the same. hope to talk to you more. God bless.

12

I feel the same way. We are much alike, anf everyone i know teases me i have no safe space, even my friends ( i think they are ) tease me alot not in a friendly way. Im bakar and i am 14 years old btw. And also i have athsma and my voice is really high pitched so i cant go outside because i am ashamed of my height and my voice.