I feel weird about myself...

Mental health
1

Hi, I am an 18 year old male.

I used to have a good number of friends before but I never had a best friend. I never felt comfortable around most of them because I never could 'merge' with them. The setback of not having good friends has distanced me from people now. I feel like I am not capable of being a friend.

Also I never had a great relationship with my parents, partly because of them and partly because of me. They over-cared for me and I seem to be suffering because of that now that I want to establish a future for myself. Also I never had a good parent-child interaction with them which makes me feel they are parents just for namesake. I have no feeling of comfort around them. It is partially my fault as well and also they have never hesitated in financially spending for my requirements. However, I never felt close to them.

Also lately, my mind seems to be depressed about my marriage. I come from a very conservative family and marrying is pretty compulsory for me. There is no hindrance for a love marriage but I am naturally hesitant to speak to girls and also I don't consider myself average looking. Add to this a couple of penile problems that I am currently working on and my mind sinks into depression.

I have been a pretty good student my whole life but I have never been interested in a single thing. When it was time for me to decide my career, I was pretty clueless. As a result, I am heading towards a career that my parents chose for me. I have no hesitations in following that but I just feel it would have been better if somehow I get interested in something.

My life seems goalless and support less. By the way I analyzed all the problems in my life, I figured out that its sources were either my disinterest in my life or my extreme selectivity in feeling comfortable around people. Please help me in finding a solution to the above two problems....

2

Wow, it sounds like you have never made decisions for yourself. How old are you? Do you get along with your wife? Are you able to talk to her? You may want to seek therapy. You would need to contact your dr and tell him what has been going on. They will be able to help you. You need reassurance and guidance to find your way to be on your own and to be free to make your own decisions. You might want to take care of one problem at a time. You don’t have to tell anybody what you are doing. Just do it on your own. You can always come back here for support. We don’t judge we just try to help you any way that we know how to.

3

Hello there. I am so glad that you wrote into us today. I don't think that you ever bonded with your parents therefore you cannot bond with others people like friends. And who wants to be intimate with a girl that your parents pick for you and then you blame yourself for all of this. You are NOT to blame for all of this. Your parents are going through the motions of being parents. 

Now what to do to help you? You are 18 you are old enough to get help take some of their money privately and go for therapy. You deserve it before you finish college in a degree that you don't like and marry a girl that you don't love. I understand about your culture but your culture will not sleep with your unloved wife. Please keep us posted. Diane 

4

Hi! Thanks for replying! It means a lot to get an opinion as I've never really talked to anyone about this.

To answer your questions, I am 18 years old. I am not married.

Yes, I have had problems in making decisions. I never seem to stick to one ideology and follow it. I'm a bit moody when it comes to my thoughts....

And yes, I honestly found this community very helpful and polite towards people looking for solutions, suggestions and queries. Thank you once again!

5

Hi Diane! Thanks for your reply!

I just wanted to say that I do not dislike my career stream; I am okay with it. However, I do not have a passion for it, or for any other stream. My life is pretty goalless.

I appreciate your suggestion of seeking therapy, but I am currently living in a hostel with not much freedom and a hectic schedule. I can try my best though to seek it. Are there any methods of self-help in this regard?

Thanks a lot for your suggestions!

6

Hi sr06903 - sorry to read of your dilemma. The fortunate elements here are your age and the fact that you are reaching out for help and understanding. As I read your post, i wondered whether there were any issues with you expressing emotively? Do you feel rage at all? Or are your emotions carefully suppressed so that you can function? 

The issues you have raised are medical ones. The first stop is the doctor. Explain what you are - or are not - feeling. It might help to list the issues and take that with you to the appointment. A referral to a psychologist or therapist may be supplied. Medications may also be prescribed. The process will take as long as it takes. You will discover all sorts of things about yourself, what might trigger you, how to cope with that. The penile problem - is it connected to these weird feelings about yourself? Depression has a major effect on libido.

The main point here is that you don't have to suffer alone. There is help out there for those with the courage to seek it. 

7

Hi. You are so young, so I will try to go back to that age. Private school...a must for mom but she stiffed me with the bill just before graduation...so I didn't graduate. Well not until my 20's when I paid it off.. she wanted to throw a grad party for me...uh, no. They thought it would be good for me to be on my own at 18... They told me 5 days before my birthday, I was out in 4. I had alot of dreams but pain and depression set me back...always swimming against the tide.

That puts me kinda where you are...living in a long term relationship, buying a house, leaving friends behind when it just didn't feel like I was one of them.

I kept going because I always had a big goal. Even when I officially became disabled at 28...I picked a different goal. I tried to be around ppl who increased my self esteem..do what I could to reach goals, (I was an artist and couldn't work at the firm anymore so I went by the rules of pain and depression and painted at night or day or whenever...) Depression is notorious for stimulating the creative nerve, bazaar as it may be.

The pain increased over the years. So other than than that, I have treatment resistant depression.

When I was 34, I was married and had a baby boy who was born with highly special needs..physically...he was also a genius we going out at 5 years old. So there was my passion. I homeschooled, I socialized and I started an org to help him. He taught me what I already knew: being different means living by your own rules.

You find your passion and make your rules that suit you. Your new family will be the most important treasure. Font give it up if you have kids.

Listen to your possible future:

I am 51. My baby boy is 16. Last year he tried to commit suicide. Now he has received treatment and is back to A's at school and happy. I divorced. It was hard on him. I feel my don doesn't need me anymore, he is so independent. I have been in deep depression for 4 years, 2 in bed. Hospitalized to do ECT...but cannot afford more treatment.

I went from 6 figure income 4 years ago to a 4 figure income. I have nothing to give my son.

I know look forward to heavy debt, loosing my house and having nowhere to go in a couple of when my savings run out.

My only friend field in a car accident this summer.

While I am so happy and grateful my son has the foundation to live a great life, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want him to miss college and relationships because of me.

So that is all I have to give you. Stop any negative things, stop any drinking etc if you partied, keep friends because you should, and once you have your new family work at it. I should have worked harder with my husband. Now he's gone...heart attack..and I have my son that Im not going to drag down anymore.

I figure your physical problems in the male dept. is kind of like my pain and vision. Your body won't do what you need it to...you have to allow yourself that as a medical problem you will feel help for, like a broken leg or a tumor...still your age I've seen that a lot with stress, meds, depression, pain, insomnia.

Plan your life now and keep lots of people around for a plan b.

Or you will end up like me...I'm out of plans.... Good luck my friend.

8

Hi! Thank you for your reply!

I have no feeling of rage, at least not physical anger. I have been gifted with an incredibly high amount of tolerance. The feelings of depression within my mind have never appeared beyond my body. However, that does make my mind feel congested with so much depression and thoughts inside, which in turn makes me over-think and over-react.

Yes, my feelings are suppressed within me. At least, I have made sure it does not affect my functionality. My examination marks have been pretty good and I haven't caused myself self-harm as such.

My penile problem did not arise from my depression; it was a natural problem, more like a penile disorder which I have been living with my entire life. Not very serious though, it is probably resolvable and I am working towards it. In fact, this problem used to cause me depression before; now I feel much more positive about it.

Thank you again!

9

Hello! Thank you for your reply! Sorry for the delay, I saw it a bit late......

I am sorry to hear about all your hardships. I respect you very much because you got through all the troubles and pains and don't want your son to go through all that.

I really liked the statement : being different means living by your own rules. I will try to ignore the worldly rules to somehow find my happiness and stand by it. The statement itself brings so much positivity into my heart.

I don't have a family yet. But your assurance that my own family will help me out of this mess gives me a lot of confidence about my life ahead. If I have a family in the future, I will definitely make them my life and try to improve theirs.

Thank you again! I hope your son has a great life ahead of him. And I hope you never give up and sort out all problems to live a life that you can be proud of. Like your son taught you, live by your own rules. Good Luck and thank you again!

10

I can relate to you. When I was three I was near death and after that my parents have been very focused on me and overcaring. I don't wanna talk too much about me though, but ask away if you're curious. I think what you need to do it get out of that 'bubble' you're in, gotta learn to make your own decisions no matter how hard it is. I let others make decisions for me as well because I'm too scared to speak my mind and a part of me just simply don't care. If you feel like you're on the road to a depression then I recommend that you contact your doctor as soon as possible before it gets worse. You gotta get help! If it gets very bad then you're (probably) just gonna stop caring and continue to say ''ah, just gonna do it tomorrow'' everyday! and then it won't get better.. I'm just speaking from my own experience. Do you even wanna get married, or is that your parents desicion? You're only 18, same age as me, you got a long life ahead of you. No need to rush anything. Love comes naturally. You will eventually get goals in your life. Hopefully.

11

Hey there.

You have received some good advice to sort through.  Weigh it all carefully.  My advice includes some practical suggestions.

If you can, or plan on university, then go "away" for school.  Live on campus and immerse yourself in campus life.  It may not even need be university... it may be a trade/technical school.  Just so long as you have to move out, live on your own, make your own decisions.

If that is not in the cards, then consider joining the military.  They will make a lot of decisions for you, but you will be thrown into different situations and with different people.

Volunteer for a church mission, join something like the Peace Corps, internships, whatever... just do it away from home.  You don't have to 'run away from home' in an unpleasant or disagreeable way... you just need to shake things up a little.  If the family has chosen a career move, see if you can pursue it with a relative miles away from home... kind of an apprenticeship.

Don't get married right away.  Don't have children.  Don't cater to your parent's wishes.  Don't be disagreeable about it either... just set your own course.  Remember, you can't make other people happy if you are not happy yourself.

You can always come home.  You can always take the less challenging road.  But you will only be 18 once and now is the time to challenge yourself a little, and at your own speed.  So long as you are with your parents, loving though they may be, they are exerting influence upon you.

Shake things up a little bit.  You don't have to start a revolution... but play on your own terms for a while.  To play on your own terms, you need to establish what they are... and you can't do that in the cocoon of home and family.

Good luck and please stay in touch.

-K

12

Hi Ken. What wise advice. I totally agree! Diane

13

Hi again. I want you to know that I totally agree with Ken619. He is a wise man and has lived long enough to have learned a lot and he's passing it along to you. Now way it out and see what fits for you. But son what I see right now is you are living your parents dream for you. Be still be quiet. Quiet your mind find out what your dream is for you. I have a grandson your age that starts to college this year and like you he's very smart but his parents are letting him find his way. You find your way. Diane 

14

Hello! Thanks for your reply!

I agree with Diane; your advice is very practicable and something which I can do as a college student.

Actually I am in a University which is away from my home. Because I never felt comfortable around my parents and my house, I opted to study away, exactly as you advised. I do feel much more independent and comfortable now in my own personal bubble.

Your advice regarding peace corps, military, apprenticeship and

internship is also really wise. I will definitely consider that in my present and future endeavors.

Thanks a lot for your advice! I really appreciate it!

15

Hi again Diane!

Thanks a lot for all the advices provided to me by this community! It feels good to know people like me who want guidance are supported by so many elders who are willing to pass down their knowledge and experience about life. I feel positive about life.

I agree with you Diane. I need to realize my dreams and then follow it. The problem is I am unable to realize it. It feels as if I don't know myself enough. I have started practicing yoga though, hoping it will help me understand my mind better. With all the advices that I have read, I hope I can calm myself down and understand my dreams.

Thank you again! And I wish your grandson my best wishes!

16

Hi there! Thanks for replying!

It's very unfortunate to hear about your near-death experience and I'm happy you've overcome it. I haven't been through such a situation, my family just naturally over-cares for me.

I admit that very occasionally even my body stops caring when faced with a problem. However, it lasts only for a short time and I'm able to regain my sense of responsibility. I've been working on it, trying to find inspiration for my life. Nothing serious has happened or looked like happening yet regarding that attitude.

I'm on the fence when it comes to wanting to get married; the idea of having children and a wife to support me and whom I can support motivates me but then I don't feel like any person will feel comfortable around me or I'll feel comfortable around anyone. I might as well be overthinking, but it is just causing me so much confusion.

Yes, it's a long life ahead of both of us. I hope you overcome the problem that even I'm facing. Good Luck and thank you again!