Hey. I am going through clinical depression and general anxiety disorder. For the must of time I am alone, when I am with my family I get very easily irritated. I have a disable brother who I help to take care well I have finishing my education. I have lost all most all my friends because of my depression. I am waiting to get help from a psychiatrist now. But recently I have found myself have severe suicide thoughts and I want to physically hurt myself because I don't believe that I will experience something good in my life. I have never had peace in my life I don't know how it feels. I am literally lost. I have lost all hope. Every morning I wake up suicidal and every night I have panic attacks. I feel I am dead I don't know what to do?
You sound young. Does anyone know You suffer this much and all the time? Thats a lot to keep inside. You noted you have a disabled brother and im wondering if you feel your feelings arent worth much in comparrison to whats going on with your brother. I just want to say you matter very much. Thats a difficult enviornment to grow up in. Dont blame tourself for this, this isnt your fault . is their any kind of support groups in your area? All you can do is talk about how you feel in a in person support group or with a professional. You need to be able to say everything thats inside you and be heard.
My first experience with depression was at 12 years old. The oldest of four and had to help with them all, (mom was bipolar) and the fifth one when born was put in my bedroom to care for at night. So, I helped with cooking cleaning, caring for all kids, did homework and went to school, getting good grades.
Leaping forward from that terrible trapped by life time...I have had a glorious, wonderful, challenging, traveling life that I wouldn't change for anything.
I said all that to say when I was 12 and overwhelmed, I never would have believed I would experience anything good. Honey, life will really surprise you. It still does even at my old age.
There is hope, even if you can't see it now. You came here to this forum because you do have some hope. We are all here to provide that for you until you see it. We have all been where you are now to one degree or another, and many of us still are. We support each other and will support you, dear Hanna.
I find it beyond belief that with your suffering that your family doc is not helping you, and your waiting to see a psychiatrist. Especially being that you have suicidal thoughts. This is crazyness and needs to be addressed immediately. Your family doc should be able to see you right away. I would call them ASAP
It's more I oppressed my feelings to make my family happy, because I literally help everything with my brother. I feel that I need people who want to help me but I always find myself selfblameing