well you atre lining up for anorexia arent you? were you every abused incidentally? so much self hatred and I really know what that is like, I feel toxic and tainted unworthy etc, giving helps and I am glad if I can anyway. if there is a way you could do a chalk outlike of yourself following arund your body closely if you know what I mean. Look at it and see if that person looks as fat as you think you are for a start.
The way you despise yourself ok who has made you feel despised have you not lived up to being what your parents wanted? Its so hard I know but you have got to keep saying to yourself I have the right to be a person on this earth the same as anyone, and do look at programmes on tele about overeaters and look around you and compare yourself not to the thing ones but the multitude of self confident fat ones, who dont see to think twice about how they look or are. Get someone to draw a picture of you, also draw one of yourself, you dont have to be an artist just as near as you can. it is interesting to se ehow differently they see you.
I haver never met a girl or woman who thinks they are physically alright. I have skinny legs ostrich ankles hate them and my feet are deformed. have you got those things? I have such high arches and the bone in the ball of my feet protrudes and can hurt when I walk, my big toe sticks up and cant go down and my toes curl under. I had a broken nose when I was 10 and six operations over the years then some years ago my horse reared and wacked my one the nose with her head and my nose has remained crooked every since. Yet you know with makeup I willsay people have said I am so good looking and so lucky!!!!! I got very slim, everyone said too skinny a bag of bones, yet I ate normally. after children I normalised as one does. Now at 70 I am about a stone and half unmovably overweight.
MY daughter is incredibly good looking liz taylor style perfect hour glass figure but she was always going on about too big bum and fat thights that only she could see. One of my sons was skin and bones and a selective eater, turned to weight lifting went up to 14 stone is now 17stone, he hated himself too once. He is heavily built up and is proud of himself. My other one had what he called overshot lower teeth because his fathers side had big chins and it carrie dthrough, he got reallt depressedand said he was ugly and got round shouldered and demoralised. But he got promotion slowly succeeded. his boss was a tall your woman and very clever. They became attached he changed he is now married to her and she things othing or his looks or the fact she is three inches taller, she is also very good looking.
So all three of my kids and me have had body dysmorphic disorder.
I would think you are very depressed and that apart from realising you are I am sure fine as anyoe can be physically you need to do some compareing and realise even if you were fat you could still ahve a very adoring partner.
Did you feel your parents loved you I mean reallyt not them just saying it
Did you feel you were the right sex
Do you feel you were the wrong person in any way , not the person they wanted and you maybe have internalised their feelings.
Do you think tha tpeople who may have ade you have such low self esteeem are fantastic people perfect in every way and therefire can justify judging?
and also with the depression you need effective meds.