I have come to many conclusions.

Mental health
1

HI guys, so i posted on this topic about 5months ago "My depression/anxiety is destroying me!"

Anyway its actually worse. I am having therapy.. but its difficult. I talked alot about how i want to adore my girlfriend and things well since the start of this year we have been really crappy because of my depression and anxiety. We have been on and off almost ending and i never have put effort in on my part. Like i never have helped myself. I have even worst trust issues, not because of my girlfriend because of me.. I started to realise that my parents and my past have a lot of explaining my parents because of how they treated me.. They never really wanted to know when i was in need, when i was being bullied, they just pushed it off.. MY mom would say horrible things until i cried and she didnt help till she was satisfied my dad has hurt me badly because of his reaction and people have always used me.. Except for my girlfriend, she is the only person that has stuck by me when i need her, except for recently as she is having enough. Anyway, im really not sure if i love her or not, its like i dont truly love her and i keep questioning if i love her at all. It creates so much anxeity for me because its like.. I really dont want to lose her, im not sure why? I'd miss her too much, but when i try to think of it, nothing comes but when i'm with her and being positive i feel so much different i just want to make her so happy and it makes me so happy until i come into contact with negative thoughts or i dont like something. I now understand i need to love myself first, as i really hate myself now, and also im starting to think am i just not ready for a relationship? Have i ever been ready? I didnt rush into it i was 16 and i just felt so happy, but now its gone and im scared, i really want to stay with ehr because we could be so good together. But im starting to think, would i love her if i loved myself? would i want her if i was ready for a realtionship? Is she even what i want,and i dont leave becasue i really dont want to lose her. My friend went through this and his girlfriend left him because of his depression they got back together after 5 months and now they are really strong and happy. I would really love that, deep down i know i would, because when my positivity shows through nobody else matters but us being happy?

So my question is, is it possible to stay with this girl and learn how to be in a relationship and to love myself, or is it just not possible? im so scared because i feel my mind hitting out when im thinking about the 'love part' or the relationship or even trying, and i feel my heart cry. What do i do? Please advise me properly.

2

Goodmorning Alone,

I feel this so much for you ,depression can and does as everyone in here well knows and will tell you this.It can and does at times really wreck our lives ,our personality and every thing we have up till that point valued in ourselves.

Yes it is a well known fact ,we have to love our selves before we can even begin to love someone else.

This is very hard to do,,as it tends to make us feel selfish,etc.But it can be done.I would say to you if you were asking me face to face as a long time friend .

Feeling as you do about your girlfriend,not wanting to lose her  yet asking yourself IF you love her.When you truly love a person ,you KNOW this ,you don`t qusetion this.You say you fear losing her ,but add that is because you would miss her. What I feel you would miss ,is not only her  ,but her understanding

of you ,and the support she gives you .

I would suggest sittind down with her in a quiet and comfortable place.Tell her exactly how you feel about her and things you mention in here .You will feel by her reaction to you ,IF she really does feel she has had enough and is unable to deal with anymoreat this moment .Then I would suggest you both agree to taking a bbreak from each other (stating an arranged time away) take that break and see how you both feel after then .

I fully understand you saying  you want only to bring her happiness,this in turn bringing you the happiness you seek together.and you feel (at times) you want this to be with her,yet there are these times you really question . I do hope this is of some help to you Alone.

here are some hugs for you to help comfort you

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

millyimp1322

3

Thanks for the reply, also i have told her and i know she wants to say with me, because she tells me she loves the 'real me' which is full of energy and always making people laugh and being silly thats who she likes? But im worried like i said if i love her. See with her i know she 'truly loves me' and the crap part is my depression has been there since we get together i created problems at the start of the relationship because i was so and still am very insecure, i was hoping for the reaction my parents and other people gave me and she never did, she really wanted to help.. She had major problems before we met and her liking me caused massive issues. I didnt feel in love with her i just wanted to help her through her problems and i did, and now i wish i was the same. I'd love to be the same for me and her. But i have questioned how she looks, if i love her in what she wears and yet this year, even though its all really bad i havent cared at all and tried to make the most of it, i can feel my heart not wanting to care and jsut have fun, but i worry about how she'll look today if i will like this or thay and it really messes with me adn tbh i really hate thinking it. Also we tried to a break and i became really anxious and we really missed each other but i didnt help myself, now i know i really need to help myself, but i anxious about us not working if i do, to which she says we will be so much better, i would love that but in my mind i dont.. I ruined everything and im scared, but when i feel a little positivity i really want to do try and i feel i can do it?

4

My partner rings me every morning and asks how I am feeling

On good days I tell him to remember no matter what happens I love him and no matter what I say or do.... The only person I want to be with is him and I appreciate and am grateful for everything he does for me...... I do this because on bad days I can be pretty hard work

I cry at the drop of a hat, I tell him that he doesn't love me and is with me out of pity and I would be better of without him

I tell him that he deserves better and I sometimes I want to lock myself away from him and the world

This helps us because on my good days, it's really good

You need to fight depression as I am sure a lot of people will tell you the same and remember this you are never alone even when you think that is the case xx

5

Hello again Alone,

You are so right in that you really do have to help yourself  first and foremost.Being as you are at the moment you cannot help he.

You said you have talked and she does really love the you she got to know initally.

Yet you say you  are still so unsure about your feelings for her .Youa have also tried the break,whcih to all intents and purposes has not worked for you .

You both missed each other ,but during your time apart you dfid not help yourself.Have you tried doing daily  affirmations,I know to many people this does sound sily when at first you try doing them .

However ,how silly it may sound ,and however silly you may feel saying them out loud,it could be worth your while giving them a try .

There are some good CD`s available ,helping you to do this . I also use EFT (this is tapping on the meridion points) again this may appear to be a silly thing to do .

However it has been proven to work on lots of people who use it on a regular daily  basis.

Do think about giving your self a try at these,in fact it could be more beneficial if you and your girlfriend did them together.

Regaining your feeling of being positive will also in turn bring you back to the place you say you want to be.

Please ,she says you will be so much better ,so give it a try ,doing these affirmations together ,and or the tapping ,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

6

Whats Tapping?

7

It used to be that way for me? and now after all this im just really unsure of my feelings for her anymore, i fell in love really fast? :'( because i got so excited and its like after a bit it warred off, but i still feel the love and i want to do everthing a boyfriend would do and thats when im positive? What makes me happy is when i think "Woah imagine if we both looked back one day and laughed about this and was together" but then i think it wont because by being positive i still wont love her, and im scared i really dont, because i know i would love to let her do whatever and still love her and not care, and trust her, but i just think i dont properly love her and never will and it send me into spiral of crap.. I just when i think of her nothing comes? Im so lost and im scared and i just dont know what i feel and is it because i dont love her that this keeps happening and to sort the problem i shall leave? and then im really scared to see her, or even talk to her, because its like we're not together! I WOULD SO LOVE TO BE IN LOVE WITH HER OR TRULY AGAIN! :'( I just want to cry..

8

Hello Anne, I was always a person who didnt mind being on my own ,I love being with my husband and my family ,all of whom I love dearly,but there are always times when it is nice to just be doing what ever it is you want to do  without having to take their wishes into account ,just for that short time I mean Anne.

I have also always been a person who has put all my first husband and my family first.(I have never ever regretted this ) I now also  tend to put my second husband and my family before myself ,however I do now also take myself into the equasion ,whereas prior to that I never ever took myself into the equasion no matter what it was.

That is just me and how I am ,I cant ever seeing myself changing now .

It is nice your partner rings you every day to ask how you are ,this shows he does care ,I know I too sometimes think my H would be better off without me ,but then I think ,no ..he loves me exactly as I am .

Your partner sounds to be the same

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

xx

9

Hello Alone,

Tapping is quite simple to do.It is called EFT(tapping for short) it is Emotional Freedom Technique.

You can google it and will get lots of information about it .I cannot give you the name of the person in here as it is seen as advertising .

I could give you the name of the person in a private message to you if you would like that Alone.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

10

Erm, yes please.. and im just, i keep feeling adamament i just dont love her.. It is hurting so much because i want to and so does she, she tells me, we could be so good if we got better? but what if dont love her at all.. I want to die because of it! All that looking into her eyes even recently and just thinking woah, you're the best.. All gone, all the fun we had GONE!! Everything :'( because my feelings have gone :'( what if dont

11

I JUST WANT TO DIE!

12

IS it just the fear of being alone, i keep thinking what if it is but i cant accept it! and its tearing me apart, i cant imagine her not being there and im so desperately trying to love her adn im scared i dont.. I would love to be with her for however long because we'd have so much fun and i know it, where have my feelings gone :'(