(I have OCD) Last November, something happened where I was overcome with guilt and told my husband (fiancé at the time) that I had lied to him about a few things. We talked it over and he forgave me. However, it triggered something in me where I felt the need to tell him everything I have done, thought, was not fully honest about, or things I have said to other people (I felt the need to tell him whether we were together at the time or not). Ever since then I have been struggling with thinking of things I have done/said or have convinced myself I have done/said. My husband told me he doesn’t need to know all the things I think of/have done as long as it doesn’t have to do with me being unfaithful. This made me feel relief at first but then I started to convince myself that I was unfaithful when we were dating, that I tried to flirt with his brother, or that I will cheat on him in the future. I NEVER had these thoughts before what happened in November. Currently, I am struggling with thoughts about my emotionally/verbally abusive ex. A few days ago it was “do I still have feelings for him?” “Would I respond to him if he messaged me?” “If he changed would I want to be back together with him?” I know the answers to these questions are NO, but when my head starts running like this I don’t know how to see the truth. The relationship ended almost 5 years ago but I still occasionally struggle with the aftermath of that abusive relationship. A few days ago, I started thinking about a time when my husband and I were just dating, and I was with a friend smelling candles. One of the candles smelt exactly like my abusive ex’s colognes. A few days later I went back with my mom and I was trying to find that exact candle to show my mom how it smelt exactly like his cologne (it wasn’t there). Suddenly, I could not recall if I wanted to buy it if it happened to be there or if I just wanted to show my mom. I am beating myself up over whether I wanted to buy that candle or not, this happened close to two years ago. Last night, I had a memory of trying to sign into that same ex’s instagram (I think). I am not sure exactly when this happened or what I was hoping to gain from it but I have convinced myself I did this while my husband and I were dating and I feel so bad. The only reason I could think that I tried to sign on to his instagram was because I wanted to see if he felt remorse for how he treated me/if he was saying anything about me. (When we were together he told me a password he always used, I tried it, it didn’t work, and that was the end of it). The thing stopping me from full closure of the situation is I don’t know whether he feels remorse for treating me that way and I just want everyone to know how terrible he is. I am not sure what to do about these recent thoughts. I know they may seem small in reality but it is all I can think about. I know I kind of ran on and things might be a little confusing but thank you for reading if you got through it.
I absolutely adore my husband and have no desire to be with this ex or have wanted to since we got together.