I have no idea what to do?!

Mental health
1

Hiya, this is my first post so please excuse me if it's not in the correct area! I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about 6 months now and don't seem to be getting very far. 

She has diagnosed GAD, for which I take Pregabalin and do yoga. This has gotten a lot better generally speaking, however I believe I may have bipolar 2, which seems to be going ignored. 

I have had 3 major depressive episodes, one at 17 years old, 20 and now at 24. They lasted 6 months, 4 months and now about 1 year. I do not really get highs, but sometimes just go a little hyper. I have experienced some mild desctructive behaivours such as maxing out my credit card and speeding while driving (I haven't felt in control, but almost like i'm being sped up and that i'm in a race and can't slow down). I'm experiencing a particularly bad bout of depression, have been feeling suicidal and just had some instances when i've been hysterically crying and unable to stop. Aside from this i've had usual depression symptoms. 

My dr did mention it could be bipolar 2 but doesn't want to diagnose anything, due to the fact i've had a pretty horrific childhood, am still quite young and neither of my parents have been diagnosed with any mental health issues. My father gets depression and sleeps all day (as do I) and my mother was sectioned twice in her early 20's when she lived overseas however both have histories of substance abuse.

I saw another psychiatrist as part of a trial I agreed to take part in for my GAD and she said that she thought I had PTSD as well as Bipolar 2 in addition to the GAD but my pyschiatrist dismissed this at the time. 

My Dr was thinking of putting me on a mood stabiliser or AD  when I started feeling suicidal and I have been put on Mirtazapine which is just made me have horrific rages over the smallest things. I feel like I want to punch someone I am so angry. I have also put on a lot of weight in a short space of time and want to eat constntly- my appetite is insatiable!

I am seeing my dr today and just feel like i'm not being taken seriously.I think I may have had some mild hallucinations a few days ago- almost like daydream, I drifted off and then can't really remember what happened but it felt like a vivid dream. I am just in despair. I don't know if I have Bipolar 2 or not, but feel like this is what my symptoms lean towards....What do I do?!

I'm sorry if this is a bit of a mess but I feel like this is not particularly clear-cut! Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

2

Hi cupcake! Im in the USA so not sure if you are as well. Is it possible for you to get a second opinion with another psychiatrist? I would write everything down. Thoughts, feelings, and tell your doctor exactly how you feel. say it with conviction that the medication is not working and would like to try other meds. Remember that it takes six weeks before meds kick in. I hope this helps! Many hugs!

3

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. I think I do need to write everything down as I have a terrible memory and often forget things. I am positive that I will not be on mertazapine any longer- that is not really up for discussion. It's making me feel terrible. I deal with a lot of feelings of guilt (blame myself for things, get upset if I feel i've been a bitch to someone, relive my past life choices and beat myself up etc) so cannot deal with the snappiness and agression that it seems to have triggered in me. I feel bad if I ask for a second opinion (I know i shouldn't). It feels like a lot of this is a waiting game and i'm sick of it... I should mention i've been on these meds for 8 weeks now and the agression has been the past 2 weeks. Thank you for your help, i'll see if I feel brave enough to ask for a second opinion..  

4

I have a terrible memory too :-)! Be brave! Remember, this is your life and no one is going to care as much as you will. I dealt with guilt for years! I know how you feel. I have finally let it all go and it feel great to move on. Take it one day at a time and I promise you things will get better! Love yourself enough to fight for better health and happiness. I didn't think it would ever happen for me but it did and it will happen for you! Best of luck and write here as much as you need to for support. Hugs!

5

I was diagnosed BI 2 this january after being ill all my life, I also have a very strong family link. I take Lithium and its changed my life. Hve a look at bipolar uk site its very informative

6

Thanks Michelle, I'll do that. I didn't get much luck with my Dr today  

7

Dr was quite dismissive today, as it was a short meeting rather than an 'appointment'. I have an appointment in a few weeks. Apparently she thinks I have 'poor emotional coping skills', not bipolar however I don't feel like that's the case or that if it is, it's being 'treated' in any way. You do start to doubt what's being said when another Dr has actually said that you fit the criteria for Bipolar 2.  The good news is that the Dr has agreed I can come off mertazapine so hopefully the rage and weight gain will subside. Feeling quite confused and like not a lot is being done to actually help me? I'm not imagining these feelings.. I do not feel depressed about my childhood.. does a traumatic childhood mean you can't have a mental illness? I don't know.. I guess i'm just positive about the fact i've been misdiagnosed.

8

Hello...

I'm sorry to hear your appointment with the Dr didn't go well today; like you mentioned it's such a waiting game & trial & error that no movement forward feels like quantum leaps back!

I think your posts are very eloquent & you sound 'switched on' despite not having a clear & definite diagnosis.

As 'Justbeingme' rightly said, no-one will have your mental health at heart more than yourself! They know their stuff those pesky Drs & Psychiatrists, however clued up on the condition & with support from us via this forum & websites like MIND & BIPOLARUK, you'll still know yourself better & learn what is & isn't right for you.

I can relate to experiences you've mentioned, I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 for 15 years, depression 2 years prior to that.

You mentioned the Dr said there was no family link, then you wrote about your parents. Although I appreciate substance abuse can induce mental health issues; I thought they were situational & short lived?

However if not, then they have experienced MH issues.

I could be wrong (so I don't write with conviction) can it not also skip generations?

I'm the first female in one side of my family; my biological father & grandfather both had bipolar 2, I wasn't brought up around them & my condition was triggered just before I turned 30 by dreadful life events!

I am not overly sensible & pick & choose my treatment style!

I loathe mood stabilisers & only take antidepressants as medication when I'm depressed, that's the only thing I can't pull myself from & can't bear, I get incredibly suicidal & if it gets really bad, I struggle to function much at all!

I can self manage most of my symptoms & know when I'm beat & need extra help.

Read up as much as you can about bipolar, the moods, their manifestations, symptoms, triggers etc... Which can vary vastly from one person to the next, although as I've already mentioned, there's always similarities & what you describe sounds like bipolar 2 to me!

Let us know how you are, try not to worry & know you're not alone & support is around (I find just reading & responding to members & posting my experiences on here is really supportive), it's horrid at times however a full life can also be had!

Take care ;0) Xx

9

Thank you for such a lovely reply Scottie - it actually made me cry it was so comforting. Thank you (i'm a bit sensitive at the moment- sorry). I feel like I do know myself and there have been several health issues i've had to fight for and have been correct about. I feel that this is by far the hardest fight I've ever had on my hands! 

My parents' and grandparents mental health is sketchy. Both had been alcoholics/drug addicts since their 20's.  They are not British and lived in a country where private healthcare was the only way to go, meaning Dr's did and didn't do pretty much whatever they wanted as they were paying for it. All I know is that my mum was sectioned after she had 2 occurances of crying hysterically, being given a sedative injection and waking up on a psychiatric ward. This was apparently when she was going through traumatic life events, so she puts this down to circumstances. My grandmother (on my father's side) has a 'chemical imbalance' and had previously acted really dangerously (a gun was involved). All I remember of her during my childhood was that she was always in bed - all day every day. I have told my psychiatrist all of the above. I have been on the BIPOLARUK website as well as the MIND website & youtube constantly. 

I suppose all I can do is have my symptoms treated individually for now. Thank you again for your reply - it's great to know there are nice people out there who are wiling to support others x

10

Ah bless you, squeeze you tight (a much used phrase of mine!)...

You're so welcome.

Where would we be without humility & compassion?

I find it's so helpful to me personally to support others where I can, gives me a focus.

Mental Health issues can be so isolating & communicating with another person who genuinely understands how you feel & can relate to your experiences, goes towards alleviating some of the rotten feelings we go through...

My name is Justine & anytime you feel you'd like to chat, get something off your chest, rant, ask advice, or simply say hey...then do!

There's a private messaging option for more sensitive or things you'd rather be less public about. I chat with another friend from this site through PM'ing! I still waffle just the same & usually loads as I write as I speak...Hahahahaha...

Brace yourself girl! 

As I mentioned before, you sound very self assured & as you mentioned in your reply, you've fought for other treatments, so stand your ground & when it gets a bit draining, write it down & tackle it when you've got the emotional strength, because it is tiring! Just don't give up, be bullied into options & told you HAVE to do something, because you don't!

I'm treading carefully now as I don't want to offend you by sounding patronising. From what I've read already both your family & yourself sound as though you've experienced so much as individuals & a family unit!

Society isn't always the most forgiving when individuals make choices in their coping mechanisms that are seen as undesirable.

It always stuns me that people would rather frown & metaphorically kick someone when they're already down rather than outstretch a hand of help!?!

I'm often such an emotional mess myself that I can't always do much, however sharing words & showing genuine support, especially online doesn't take much time, although I'll admit that when I'm feeling really emotionally crappy, I struggle to even do that, I bounce back in the end.

It's good you've checked out the websites & are gathering knowledge.

There really is so much to be gained from sharing with others too & I'm certainly willing to.

Incidently, if I sound 'really together' I'll fill you in...

I'm in a depressive episode at present, although after 10 weeks of antidepressant medication, I'd say this is more of a low mood state now, although I just can't lift out of it & usually feel better than this by now!

I've stopped working & barely go out as I've lost my confidence & self esteem & I'm really unhappy with my body image!

I'm whittling about a few things in the near future & a house move that's happening in a couple of months; we're yet to find somewhere to live. We have to move as the house lease is up at the end of July.

Anything you'd like to ask me, personally or about BP, please do & feel free to share about yourself whatever helps; I'd be really interested to hear more about you, cause we're not just a bunch of diagnostic badges!

There's much more to us all than simply our 'conditions'! 

Bye for now...

Take care.

Justine ;0) Xx