I just need to vent somewhere, anywhere, and I can’t even trust my own friends to give a damn about my own feelings or problems.
I’m just a broken mess of a person, it’s been progressively harder to cope over the years and 2020 has only made things worse. I love my family very much. We’re sadly a dysfunctional lot. I wish things were different, that I could be more independent and freely live away from my parents without having to worry.
I’m very well aware of the fact that both of my parents are depressed over their lives and financial situation. We’re at a point where they just accept things and follow along to a monotonous, daily flow of things, if that makes sense. They tend to neglect their own health if I’m not around to remind them, they can’t reliably do any form of self-maintenance and they’ve come to rely on my help on so many things. I know that if I move out and leave, it would break them and they really would waste away. My being there for them seems to give them some reason to live at least. It’s not easy, I’ve had to shoulder their burdens too and my dad has done nothing but toss his responsibilities my way. I hate him for that and I hate what my parents have become but I honestly don’t know what to do. They just seem to have mostly given up on trying at anything in life.
My father has been nothing short of a burden as well. He’s a type 2 diabetic and until recently, has had it under control. I’ve tried to help him maintain his nutritional health, unfortunately he’s a stubborn bastard and thwarts my attempts to the point where he’s just so unhealthy now. Physically and mentally. I think what really broke me further was right before Christmas, he had to be admitted to the hospital for a variety of health issues he was dealing with. My mother and I found out that his kidneys failed, he nearly died if it wasn’t for a blood transfusion and now he has to undergo 4 insulin shots daily and a dialysis treatment 3 times a week. No one else can help him, for reasons I won’t go into, my mother especially hates the way he is and doesn’t really want to have to deal with him. So it all falls onto me to help him. His legs are weak now and I have to help him walk. I have to monitor his eating habits and do shots for him myself. He can’t even do too many strenuous motions without feeling tired or out of breath. And somehow I’m supposed to be there for him all the time. He’s lucky that I’m on vacation at the moment, because normally I work 40 hours a week and come next week, i won’t be able to help as much. I really do worry for him, and I worry at the fact that he’s no longer physically capable of being independent to go to the hospital. This is unfortunately going to be for the rest of his life, unless he manages to get a kidney transplant which he’s on the waiting list for. I can only hope he gets it soon. I’m really despairing at the fact that I’m becoming more of a caretaker than a son.
I’m just going off-tangent but I already have my own problems to deal with and my parents aren’t doing me any favors. I already deal with self-confidence issues. I’ve grown weary of my job which is the only thing supporting me and my family (unfortunately they don’t work anymore and savings are non-existent). I wish I could quit but for now it pays better than some of my alternatives. I don’t even have aspirations outside of wanting to survive and live comfortably but that’s not happening in my current state. I realize that I’m just like my parents, living the daily grind and going with the flow with no goal. And I hate that. I’ve had a few ideas on what I want to pursue for a career that would at least pay me a more livable wage and I know what I should do to get started for some of them but for some reason, I have this mental block where I just don’t commit. I guess a part of me is afraid of change and the uncertainty that follows and that has resulted in my inaction. I hate this life, I hate how the only way I’m coping is wasting my time in unproductive ways like gaming, reading, and painting. Each day after dealing with daily bs, I just rinse and repeat these habits to try and forget it all and I’m so tired of it. I’m just so damn tired but also incredibly pissed at all of this. To make matters worse, my “best” friend who I’ve known for more than a decade doesn’t give a ■■■■, not even platitudes or sympathy when I tell him small details of the problems I’m facing. All he does is reply with a non-committal “Oh”. It’s ridiculous.
Sorry if this post has gotten too long, I’m just going through a mental overload and I can’t focus on what the first step should be to get through all this and improve my situation. I just needed to let all this out somehow. Thanks.