That's how we all feel right? Like the worst is going to happen? Well I feel it, and not only do I feel it I've lived it. Every day. I have had such bad luck year after year, I think I even admitted to my counsellor at one point that I actually haven't actually been happy consecutively for longer than a few days. How depressing is that. So in 2015 I gave birth and lost my little girl after 3 weeks . I was severely unwell and was being 'treated' myself whilst she was in NICU so I hardly saw her. She then passed away and it was horrific, 2 weeks or so later I had a stroke, a blood clot on the brain. Found out a year after being on warfarin that I have a blood clotting disorder. Very rare apparently , 'never happens' 'very unlucky' then. I get myself somehow back on my feet after a long year and a half . I go back to work and then I find out my dad ha collapsed and a day after seeing him he dies suddenly and it was through neglect of the hospital. At that time I found out my bf was lying to me about and so he wasn't even around when my dad passed away. So , the worst has happened. I've always believed I would die before I was 30. But here I am now at 36 but tbh I know it's not a long road for me.... and at least I will be with my little girl and my dad and my cousin who also died at a very young age. Life sucks . What's the point. We have an expiry date . What is the point of picking myself back up again when tbh something else will just happen. So now like every other day I sit and cry and get upset because god forbid I try to to become happier. I have had so many things wrong with my body since I had the stroke.... not stroke related I was ' lucky' that I had no real long term effects apart fro severe headaches and tiredness etc. But I have had to have colonoscopy , bladder Investigations, I'm anaemic, I can no longer feel safe in my own skin in my own body. I have no children now, no bf, nowhere to happily live my life, fear of death, fear of everythin. I watch the world go by wanting to try but not being bothered too. I get why people just end their lives, I bet it's selfish but when ur in it. God. U want it to end so bad. If I was braver I would do something. But I'm not. So I'm stuck. If it was a light switch. I would turn me off
There is NOTHING anyone can say that will take your grief away over this string of events you were called on to endure. Words like 'bad luck' and 'unfortunate' are inadequate and also dismissive. I will tell you none of that. Nor how sorry i am for what you have been through when for a moment i try to imagine how you feel.
But you asked a question, albeit likely an almost rhetorical one. "What is the point of picking myself back up again when tbh something else will just happen". The point is that since you are here and been through the worst as you say, you may as well face the rest. If you are broken, rest assured that you can break no more. You are stronger now than ever. And somewhere, among the disappointments and garbage you may find hidden gems and blessings and new realizations and new experiences, friends, meanings.
Can you stand by others who are grieving? Others who feel lost, betrayed, hopeless? Is there anything in you left to give? The love that you could not share with your baby - can you share it with babies who need love, babies left behind, babies betrayed and abused? Other innocents in need? Animals? Environment? Anything that stirs any sort of emotion in you. There is so much to do to pass our time here until we leave. Makes the wait less desperate and the time more meaningful. "If i can't find comfort, I can offer it" is the philosophy. Please consider this opposite approach to sitting and waiting for your time and ruminating over everything that went wrong. Every now and again things also go right. You never know.
BTW People can live a full and long life with cerebral venous sinus thrombosis which is i assume your condition? Anemia is also surmountable. Eventually yes, we will all die obviously. If until then you leave behind one smile, comfort one soul and reserve one fond memory more it will have been worthwhile
Just a different perspective.
Sending love and best wishes for a beautiful turn-around for you. From one soul to another. x
Hi, thankyou so much for taking time to reply to me and reply I'm a way that showed compassion, thought and feeling. I don't have that a lot in my life tbh. I have friends of course but to none that I can relate to.... I don't know 'lost words ' maybe I know they mean well and want to help me but they don't convey a message as u have that makes me feel heard.
The answer to your question do I have much else to give...ummm honestly I don't know. I feel done in, lost, i suffer with severe anxiety and no matter how much I feel like I'm missing out I can't seem to muster the strength to see friends. I've managed again to go back to work and get out of bed but the days are proving harder rather than better. I live in a house with my ex now and it's difficult because I'm supposed to move out and back to my home town. My mum is a mess and my grandmother is really old and I'm scared I'm just going I lose someone else. Mum had non Hodgkin lymphoma and I'm terrified of it returning, esp now as she is in such shock and suffering with the trauma of losing my dad. I feel selfish being here away from her but also feel like I love my city and I feel heartbroken I need to leave.
I would love a dog , when I lost hope( my daughter) I almost got one but after an allergic reaction we had to give him up before we even had him.( anouther blow of what could have been)
I feel unloved, unneeded in this world.
Can I ask your background? X
Just want to say that your reply to Claire Marie was really inspiring and very thoughtful ☺
Well…you are battered with shock and grief. You are supposed to feel ‘done in’. That would, as far as I know, be normal considering everything you said and everything you did not say that I can only guess. But you are also throwing out a line by reaching out for someone to hear and feel what you are saying. People do not do that when they are indeed ‘done’. Neither do they suffer from anxiety the way you suggest. Anxiety is like an emergency mechanism from our subconscious attempting to steer us to a more comfortable existence – not a medium for driving us bonkers.
You are within sight of a glimmer of hope when you say that no matter how much you feel that you are missing out, you can’t bring yourself to be with friends for example. But there is obviously something you feel you may be missing out on and are yearning for and in small ways you know you can start reaching for. The problem is this paralysing fear, almost a conviction, that if you engage in anything that may make you feel even just a little bit better, alive, normal or included, something really bad will happen. Because you know bad things happen. If you want to approach it from this darker side of things, you have already been primed for the worst in a nice tightly packed and quite rapidly delivered package. What is the worst that can happen now? Your grandma is old. She will pass sooner or later. Your mom is in remission, but what if it comes back? Well you have already survived it once and chances are you are now even better equipped to survive it again if worst comes to worst. And if she dies? Eventually she will like all of us. Whether it is today, in 5 years or 20…there is nothing you can do about that. Except reminding yourself that there are paths around all of that which you fear. Ways to surmount the difficulties. Places and things to shift focus too. Little things, big things, it really does not matter. So, what is the worst thing that can happen?
I think the worst is finding some hope and joy that you know can then be taken away from you. Isn’t this how it feels, this fear? Getting more comfortable with uncertainties in life is something that can be learned, retrained and owned indeed. There is not one person on Earth who is not needed somewhere. It is perfectly impossible for someone to not have a place where they are needed and loved. Sometimes that is hard to distinguish when we are too busy not seeing. You are low now. But you won't stay down forever. And honestly, you never know what lies around the corner. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Sometimes all you can do is cry until you are numb and sometimes it is ok to smile and hope and wish and try. x
Background - not sure what is relevant so...Overall I suffered from severe GAD and was treated for 12 years. 4 years since completing treatment (medication) and am considered clinically sound and psychologically stable as far as my GAD goes, though with pre-existing neurotic tendencies that I do not care to part with because they keep me entertained! I have so far only lost 2 grandparents without any surprises. Had two kids and one miscarriage due to accident. I almost lost my mother (who is a single parent) when I was 10ish and she was in her early 30ies from stroke. She lost function in half of her body and ability to speak. She recovered spontaneously and within 6 months was back on her feet and learning how to speak and write again. She is closing in on 60 and I am biting into 40. She recovered 98% and was able to go back to work 9 months after her ordeal and with around a quarter of her brain surface reduced to scar tissue (i would use it as an excuse for some of the stupid things i do or say but she does not . I was always a worrier but her condition gave rise to my own paralysing fear of something going terribly wrong, sudden death (own and others’) and being left alone. I am also afraid of elevators, exotic and improbable to contract diseases AND progressive degenerative conditions, airplanes, nuclear missiles, venomous spiders and I must be perfectly honest I also feel very uncomfortable around monkeys. Among other things and in no particular order.
I am past being paralysed with fear and then being permanently numb and have assimilated most of the shock of whatever shocks perceived and those not fully perceived and slowly adjusted over time, learned how to better cope with stress, how to rationalize what I do and do not have power over and how to feel comfortable again.
I found community improving volunteer work very therapeutic and have also worked with homeless animals – mostly anxious dogs which I found very revealing – they mirror us and it can be quite intense. I love dogs too and due to unexpected sudden death of one am down to one (the more annoying and dumber one I liked less of course You can try a hypo-allergenic low-dander dog like a poodle or poodle cross if you still want one. They pack a punch for their size, are very intelligent and make amazing companions. You could get one while you ar still at your ex’s place – so you can go through the potty training mishaps on his turf just to irritate him and vent some frustration there?
I look for the lighter side of things because being stuck inside the mind under all that weight constantly is, from my own humble experience, extremely exhausting. So one of the things i do is venture in, travel some length inwards and surface for air. Repeat. Eventually the plodding along becomes easier until one day you find the process not so daunting.
Sending much love.
Trina536 Thank you for your kind words. We benefit and learn from everyone we encounter here, each story is a lesson. It is a blessing to be in touch with so many wonderful people finding their way. Every story works both ways. x