I'm 15. Depressed&Anxiety.

Mental health
1

I don't really know what to write... Well, I'm 16 in 3 months. This all started about... 1 and a half years ago I guess. In September 2013 I dropped out of school, I got bullied for years but it got worse, I got bits of bricks and other things thrown at me etc. The first day of year 10 I got to the school gates and I had my first ever panic attack, I didn't know what was going on, I was so scared so I told my mum and we went to the doctors and I got diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. I had a lot of friends back then and a boyfriend but when I left, half of my friends stopped talking to me, I found out my boyfriend didn't really like me, my bestfriend stopped talking to me, I only had 2 friends left, then June last year my friend who I've known since i was 3, also stopped talking to me. Now I only have ONE friend who I barely ever see because she's in school and she hangs out with other people. Plus my older sister turned half of my family against me by spreading lies. My closest cousins stopped talking to me. I became so depressed after my birthday in July. I self harmed, always had suicidal thoughts, thought everyone hated me. Thought I wasn't good enough, I couldn't even walk out of my front door without my phone because I use my phone for me to cope when I see teenages, I look at my phone so I can calm down and not have a panic attack. So on the 18th of July, I met this guy on interpals. It's a website where you meet other people your age. We got talking. We talked for months then I fell for him. We got together and he came to my house. 

My mum know's EVERYTHING. Like she knows if someone is a bad person or not. and when she first met him she told me she didn't like him, there was something dodgey about him. I ignored her. She even said that he was probably just using me because I'm so innocent. He's taking advantage of me. I still ignorned her. But then he started acting different. Being mean to me, I realised that he was just using me. He didn't like me. He always controlled me. 

Now I'm depressed again and my anxiety is stopping me from going out and meeting new people. I started self harming again. Not so much though. I still feel like I'm not good enough and boys just think I'm ugly and I'll always be alone. I'm not worth it and all the boys around here just like skinny girls. It depresses me so much. I keep trying to stay positive and convince myself I will find someone and everything will be okay. But it just won't work.

I'm so sorry for how long this is. I just really need to talk to someone. Please, someone help me. I just want to give up.

2

Hi

Have you been to see your GP recently?  A course of CBT(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) really helped me. I was bullied badly at school for years. All these things that you believe about yourself are not true. You are a person of great worth and value. Feeling and thinking as you do at the moment doesn't make you much fun to be around. A good therapist can help you change all that. Try to eat a healthy diet, drink plenty of water, have enough rest, if you can't sleep tune into some relaxing music and lay with your eyes closed, breathing deeply and focussing on the music. Do you have a hobby like drawing? Try something you can do on your own and feel you have achieved something. Jigsaw puzzles are good, anything that takes your concentration away from thinking about how you are feeling. Anxiety doesn't stop you from doing anything. That is just your belief at the moment. The symptoms can be scary if you allow them to be but anxiety will never harm you. The longer you put off going out the more difficult it becomes. You can do anything!  Look in new places to meet people. Apply for a volunteering job, think about what you can do to help others. When we start to think about others and what we can do for them we find new friends. Maybe you enjoy being with animals? Perhaps you have an elderly neighbour who would love you to walk their dog? The possibilities are endless once you start to think about them. Aim to do one kindness to somebody every day to begin with and you will amazed how your life will begin to turn around but you do need professional help to get through this too. You have a wonderful life ahead of you. Please believe this! Hang in there! Best wishes. E         

3

Hey NicoleLilly,

I am by no means an expert on depression or anxiety. I study law lol not even psychology. I suffer with anxiety though. I just wanted to offer some suggestions on things that have helped me and well what helped my friend who was in your position. 

I have never been bullied but I understand that it is traumatic and so I think you should talk to someone (a priest or psychologist whichever you feel most comfortable) but someone out of the situation that can help, as your depression and anxiety is stemming from a traumatic experience that you may need some help in overcoming it. 

Secondly, you're a young girl. You should join a sport. Hear me out lol. What I found helped me with anxieties and my friend with her overbearing depression was that we both joined the football team, the rugby team whatever. Being a part of a team was so fulfilling, it releases endorphins and makes you happier and healthier. It helps to take your mind off of things and keeps your mind busy in a healthy way. we made new friends too. 

if  you're not a sport kind of girl, join something that can occupy your mind in a healthy way like a hobby- i do yoga (its so helpful, it helps with breathing and centering your mind and releases negative thoughts for example my anxiety is like a prison and it is now having physical effects on my body) Bonus: you do make friends. Putting yourself out there with others is a great way to make new friends. Join for yourself first, friends will come later once you start to feel comfortable and confident trust me it shows! you can sing or dance or play an instrument.

Try to build up your self esteem, when you start a hobby and you are good at it, it is the best feeling in the world. You need to not judge yourself on what people think or what boys would think, you need to look in the mirror and find some things that you like about yourself and tell yourself everyday "  i love my eyes" or "my hair is so nice" (its sounds vain but you begin to see yourself in a positive light)

Lastly, please understand this. It gets better! my friend went through something extremely personal and depressing and she became this person I didn't even recognize. She was truly suffering but just like you, she was strong, yes she hit her lows just as you have but she hit her lows and still tried new things to get out of it which is so inspiring. I dont know you but I TRULY believe you can too.

Please do not depend on boys to help you out of it. YOU need to find happiness in yourself before you try to find happiness with a boy. How can he make you happy or how can you make him happy if you don't make yourself happy first. Be good to people. Best feeling ever. 

Lastly, do not be depressed if it seems that skinny girls are what people are attracted to and you may not be it. Where I am from, in the Caribbean, generally the "attractive" girl is one who is not skinny, who has lots of boobs and a big butt. I am NONE of those things lol. I am skinny and I have veryyyyy small features (I'm almost 23 and I get mistaken for 14 when I go to clubs lol )  but I treat myself as if I am THE "attractive" girl. (MILLIONS of girls will tell you this, that they dont fit what people think is attractive but they always meet someone!) I respect myself and boys respect that (not the a**holes obviously) and let me tell you my friends are always shocked at how much guys are drawn to me. (Not now lol, in a relationship.)  Treat yourself like a prize and people see you as a prize (not in a vain way but a humble, nice person, easy to get along with, take good care of yourself, suceed in your studies, dress nice, smell nice, feel nice type of way lol) Love yourself girl! 

Btw my friend, after all her pain, is so happy now (obvi not everyday, things happen to get her down but thats human) She can cope with almost anything now. It will get better, this is a lesson and you will grow from this. 

 Hope I helped.

Feel free to confide in me. I hate when people feel depressed. 

4

Thank you for replying.

I've never heard of CBT before. What is that? I have a hobby, photography and traveling. I also have a dog myself but I'm too scared to take her for walks by myself, and people around here seem to not like me, they already have their groups of friends, I can't find anyone. Thank you for taking time to reply to me, it means a lot.

5

I would recommend CBT, it basically helps to retrain your negative thought patterns. Maybe you could start a photography course at college I bet the people on that sort of course would be more mature and friendly. Or do something else to start off with like a fitness class, they are usually short and you don't have to talk to people if your not ready too.

6

Thank you for replying.

Do I have to talk to my doctor about CBT? Do I have to be with a group, or do I talk to one person if I start CBT? I'm hoping I get into college in September, but because I left school early I'm not sure it will happen.

Thanks again, Nicole

7

Hi, your Dr should refer you for CBT but there might be a wait so you could also think about paying for it privately. It's all about you as a individual so no group sessions. I hope you get into college, I found college much better than school, people actually choose to be there so tend to behave differently and the tutors treat you like a grown up.