I can't keep doing this. My mind is completely gone. I an't even remember myself. With my crippling existential/ageing crisis and fear of death as well as my body continuously breaking down and doctors trying to figure out a cause with me feeling like I'm slowly rotting away.
I'm a terrible person and have just realized that from all my past actions/words. These intrusive thoughts are also terrible. I just want to dig a hole and throw myself into it.
I'm evil and just want power or else it's just a symptom of my depression (I hope).
I'm going on 22 but don't want to do anything cuz what's the point if I'm going to die soon. Nothing matters cuz I'm going to die so I don't want to go to work or learn how to dive or anything that can be considered fun.
I asked my doctor for anxiety medication but since I can't swallow tablets at all I can'r have help.
I really don't know what to say to you other than you are not alone, trust me, you would miss so so much if you passed from this life now, I started to feel how I do when I was 22, I am so thankful now (3 years later) that I didn't end it all.
I have been to a similar place, I'm still crawling out of it with the help of sertraline...
I wanted it to end last spring. Went to ER and told them I wanted to kill myself. Went into their psych ward for 12 days. Met people in way more pain than I had but were fighting hard to stay alive. I did 10 weeks of intensive outpatient group therapy. I'm on meds, see a psychiatrist and psychologist.
I'm glad I stayed alive. Even though my life isn't great and I still have mental problems.
Hi thanks for the reply. I'm glad you're doing better
I have issues with my throat with ties in with the health problems. I tried to get it in liquid form but apparently it doesn't come like that even though I read that it does online.
I'm scared about going for help encase it doesn't work. I feel like reaching out is my last resort and if it doesn't work then that means I'm stuck like this.
I and a LOT of others I'm sure have felt the same. Depression/anxiety/DP/DR, all can make you feel extremely boxed in, but it's all an illusion. Fight like hell, and you will come out the other side multiple times stronger. And you can't be so sure everything is bleak and you're heading towards nothingness. It seems like in the moments of complete clarity people seem to have (religious/peak/self actualize-whatever you want to call it), they never have the revelation that "all is useless, I'm useless." It's always more of, "things are so much more important than they seem." Faith, hope, and love can take you a long way, along with getting help and pushing forward. Suffering can elevate you to a level of unbelievable strength, you just have to flip your perspective on it. Easier said than done I know, but perspective really is everything. And the perspective that seems so real, so intense to you right now, is a shell of who you really are. You just have to find your way to break out, whatever it may be (meds, therapy, etc.). In these mental today, today feels like eternity, but like I said, it's all an illusion your disordered brain is creating. If you are mentally ILL, it is because you have a mental disorder. You're out of order. You can be put back. It's not forever.
I'm sorry to hear about your suffering. I'm bad at taking pills too - one trick I do, is I put the pill in my mouth and some water and just let it sit in my mouth for a little. The water helps to soften the pill a little and makes it much easier to swallow.
Have you tried therapy? I'll be going to my first therapy session in about a month. I think therapy and medication could really help you.
Hmmm. Your not evil...evil dont care...u do....we all have a past..ur worried....about something u cannot control....control makes us happy..makes us feel warm and safe...losing control though wow... some people pay big bucks to be able to do that.. you need to stop worrying about something that you have no earthly control over you are 22 you have a lot of life ahead of you and I think part of the reason you're depressed maybe you don't know what the future has in store for you. I'm hoping that you realize these feelings will pass. You need something to occupy your mind with other then uncontrollable feelings and your mind cuz when you let your mind go dark it will take you to Dark Places. It's a Dr can't find anything with a few tests they'll run chances are there's nothing really wrong it's in your mind just like they told me. I suffered from severe panic attacks and never knew where they came from but I went in and out of the ER 4 weeks it got to a point where at the ER they had a chair already set up for me for when I came in. They turn down the lights and just let me calm down even though I thought I was dying every time. Also you need to talk to someone about this if you're realizing this for yourself that means you are asking for help and the next step is to get professional help. Just my thoughts.