I'm so low recently & I just need someone to talk to.

Mental health
1

I don't really know what to say right now. I've suffered with depression on and off for 7 years. I've been suffering since January, maybe a little before. I take antidepressants. I actually felt two weeks ago the happiest that I'd felt in a year. I have a boyfriend, I don't live with him but we live in the same apartment building, we see each other everyday. When we get on, we get on really well. We were friends for 11 months before we started seeing eachother. Last night he kept calling me a 'dick' - For no reason. I asked him not to say it again after saying it once, he gets annoyed at me. He then made out that I was creating an argument at night & he had work the next day. The argument turned really bad, with him grabbing me & telling me to get out. Whilst I'm there crying my eyes out, saying that I don't like being called a dick, even if it is a joke. 

Then today, he's carried on with what happened last night. When I get really upset, I end up self harming, cutting myself. He just had a complete go at me about it, it's so hard to explain to someone else reasons for doing it when I'm in a complete depression attack. He says it's immature, selfish, childish. That I need to stop doing it. I know that myself, I cannot help it when I'm that down however.

I've asked him to read websites on depression, to help. He says that he does not have time and just gets really annoyed at me.

I just don't know what to do. I've never been on a depression forum website before. I don't want to just call my friends or family at nearly midnight to discuss anything.

Oh life.

2

I have never used a discussion forum either, literally posted my first one about 5 minutes ago. I'm also not at all qualified to help you but sometimes it just helps to know there's someone listening. 

I think it was sensible to ask him to read websites on depression, he needs to understand depression in order to understand you. Maybe find a specific page or piece of writing on depression that you really identify with, print it off and literally hand it to him to read, that takes the confusion and time out of him having to look up something he clearly has no experience of and doesnt understand right now. 

That's what I'd do anyway. I hope you feel better and this helps a little, 

- Lucie 

3

Hello Bianca.

It must be very difficult for you suffering with depression aswell as trying to keep it together enough to be in and stay in a relationship. If you don't mind me saying I think that your boyfriend isn't being very supportive. He's calling you immature yet he can't even be man enough to read up about your condition and educate himself in order to be reassuring and empathetic towards you on your down days.

I'm not sure if you are having any therapy Hun but I think it would be something you would benefit greatly from...especially to address you self harming. 

Lots of people don't understand the enormity of depression and feel that we should be able to just snap out of it and pull ourselves together..Your boyfriend is probably knew of them people.

Im glad you felt times of happiness. That's defiantly a result,a step in the right direction. Try not to let a fall out with your boyfriend overwhelm you...arguments happen..but we make up xx

 

4

Hi Bianca and welcome,

I do not know how old you are or your so-called boyfriend, but acting in this way towards you makes him look like a 'dick'. If it's a joke it is not helping you in anyway, therefore to me that's him just being plain stupid and unsupportive.

May I ask, why you stated that you felt really good two weeks ago, what happened after or at the end of those 2 weeks, that caused you to become depressive again?

If your boyfriend does not wish or want to know about depression and the effectts it can have on people, I would think that makes him the immature one, with a childish sense of humour on life. He will not get very far in life playing stupid mind games, with anyone. What he gets from upsetting you is beyond me,  Whatever, made you happy for 2 weeks, can you not go through that again, but towards the end each time, maybe make it longer - it would benefit you in the long run, believe me. What you need to do is turn that negative into positive energy, and do not let it take you over.

There's probably no one on this earth that has not suffered at some point in their lives from depression, that includes myself - Many people wonder how I cope  with life everyday, things that do depress me I try to avoid, it's difficult I know. I'll tell you a bit about myself.... Firstly, in my early 20's I had an accident that left me with a rare nerve disorder, in the past 10 years I have lost both my parents, my nephew, and I have had cancer (still in remission now) and nearly died twice during 2 major operations. The most depressing places I found was hospitals, whether this was due to the fact I have spent so much time in them I don't know.

I have had many days where I have been very depressed, but I think if you look back over your life and count the positives vs. the negatives you'll find you've had more happy times than bad times. I have seen my own children suffer because of me having cancer removed... My youngest  daughter at the time was 8 years old, and even asked my wife if I was ever going back home, because she associates cancer with hospitals. Life is precious, Bianca believe me, if your boyfriend can't see past his own ego, and just read or look up depression, one day it will hit him and he'll think twice the way he has treated you.

I am still on antidepressants, I have been for awhile - but mine are mainly for pain relief. Just an idea, write a small note and list a few website addresses of where people like yourself have opened up to others like yourself, maybe if you want ask him to read what others have said to you on this website (even write the bookmark down) and let him see how you feel. Actually, perhaps not - that may frighten him more than anything.

Bianca, if you're self harming you really not doing yourself or anyone else any favours - Imagine, what my daughter went through at 8 years old, she was upset for days and visited me everytime, I have a very strong bond with my daughter which I guess stems back to when I was in hospital, even now if I have hospital appointments, my wife and I keep our daughter out of it. Harming yourself Bianca does not achieve anything, even I had suicidal tendencies - but I always think back to positive memories to outweigh the negative ones.

Anyway, Bianca we are always here, many of us have been through worse things than others, but we chat together on here. Take care...

Regards,

Les.

5

What a lovely,touching post Les, thank you so much for sharing that. I can assure you that it wasn't just of benefit to Bianca but to me also smile xx

6

Hi Gillian,

Believe me I have had a week of it at the hospital. Tuesday, rushed in from the Doctor's surgery to find out I had Pleurisy, and they ask me if I have had a cold recently, if I smoke and even drink Alcohol - personally, I don't do any of those things with being on so many medications a day. Wednesday, well that was another trip to the hospital for Pain Relief Management which was a bit useless considering the doctor never even knew what my main condition was, or what type. So, by the end of the session I was on a further 8 paracetamols a day!

Then on Thursday, I had to be up at 5am - had my breakfast, and could not drink anything with milk in, so it was either black coffee or herbal tea, neither of which I like so I drank water, which was just as bad! lol

Anyway, 1 hr 30 mins before my appointment at the hospital which was 11:35am I had to drink 1ltr of water and not go to the toilet until the Ultra-sound scan was completed. They were asked for by my doctor, just as a precaution regarding the prostate gland. Anyway, I had that done and I asked was there anything out of the ordinary, the radiologist said there's a couple of gall stones but hardly worth worrying about, and she said just contact your doctor in 7 days time for the results. I thought fair enough, I've had enough of this year and hospitals - the amount of time I spend in hospitals is ridiculous, I have to fit appointments inbetween appointments, I got another in January 2015, oncology - I still put on a brave face, even though I have literally been to hell and back, and physical pain I face everyday. So, yesterday no hospital or doctors appointments - that's what I thought! With me, nothing is simple, my doctor phoned me in the afternoon and was going over the abdominnal and testicular results (even though I was told at the hospital, that my results would be at my doctors in 7 days!), she asked me did I know anything about the results, I said only about a few gallstones which were too small to worry about. My doctor said to me, are you still under your Urologist, I said 'no' that was 6-7 years ago, so my doctor said she would need a second opinion regarding the prostate, but from my Consultant. Now, I'm dreading the result - obviously I told my wife, but no one else, I know how they took the news before when I had testicular cancer and I don't want to spoil their Christmas with I may have prostate cancer now!

It is now a waiting game, I'm hoping it won't be, or if it is then I hope it's in the early stages. Yesterday, really "hit me for six" at this time of year when everyone should be happy, and I'm hiding a "time-bomb" during this period. I have beat cancer once, I'm hoping if it is there, I can beat it again.

I guess to escape reality, I come on these forums - it's easier to chat to people you do not know, I have many friends on here in worse stages of prostate cancer, which were not caught in time - with them it's basically a waiting game from day to day, I'm hoping I don't become a statistic! If it is what I think, then I will have to put on a brave face over the Christmas period. I would have known sooner if I had the blood tests done before the ultrasound, but that's another story that went horribly wrong. Depressed.... in a way yes, fighting it off is another matter - I've been there many times, some people say it is what caused my initial disorder, others say it was the accident. Depression can be caused by many things, but everyone is different - therefore finding the source is not an easy task.

Gillian, what I seen my daughter go through at 8 years old, was terrible - she was bullied at school, because of some girls found out about me and cancer at the time. She went through a very hard time, and it ages to re-assure her that it wouldn't happen again. I am hoping this is true...

Regards,

Les.

7

I find it odd that someone who  says he loves you treats you in such a manner. I would say he needs to grow up if he take joy in calling you dick for fun.

Where are you based ? Peraps there is some local support groups

8

Hi Jimmy,

Sorry for such a late reply to this! Thank-you for your message smile.

I know, it's ridiculous. Last week he was ridiculously horrible. I was a state. I just left his apartment & said I'd had enough, I didn't break up with him. Just chose not to see him for 4 days (which seems like a while when we see each other near enough every single day).

He didn't know what to do, I asked him for space. He apologised. He took me out for dinner, I said that he cannot do it anymore for my mental health. He's said ok, he really didn't know what to do without me & really does not want to leave me. He said he'd never missed anyone like that before. I'm 23, he's 27, he has had two previous long term relationships before.

But... I'm feeling more positive smile, he's seemed to have calmed down & I think he knows that I'm being really serious about this all now. My friends have really been there for me (I actually met them through him!).

I live in Birmingham, I have thought about going to some local groups. I've just never been to any and find it quite a daunting experience (even though I'll speak to anyone!)