Hello.
I'm a 15 year old lost in reality ... I don't know what I'm suppose to do I see no goal for my self I see as of if everyone is not being them selfs around me I see everyone being fake I see like their real thoughts about me are that they don't care that their annoyed I was diagnosed with depression since I was 9 years old I've gone to behavioral centers but I still do they started kicking me out since I've been denying medicine my mom ....I forgot what its called but I'm not able to work I get money from the government due to me having ADHD uh yeah I .... I don't know I look at the world where I don't think anyone has even tried I don't think I'm afraid of many things I do get spooked but if it ever comes to death I'm up for it I'd take a bullet for anyone I see no worth for my existence I came out as bisexual because I see everything basically the same I like people by their person I like everything and anything but I don't have energy well I don't find the energy or the value for me to do it I don't see a point I have suicidal thoughts everyday each time I'm in a car all I think about or the only feeling I get is this boiling sensation of to just open the f*****g door and just die end it I cut I have a bunch of scars on my arm right now I could get a knife and stab my self I don't know I see no reason to feel it so I could my self when ever I want but I just won't do it I don't know why I have my secrets which are probably the reason I'm really depressed but I don't find the strength to say them I'm turning really hateful to others I hate my grandma my mom my sister everyone around me
Simply because I see them not being successfully I see them as being failures as of my self I have no one to look up to I have no friends if it were to anyone to want to know my problems I'd say them with no care but if they were to know my family I won't tell them theirs also the part of me not wanting to go and get counseling I mean its a person who's just gonna tell me off slowly that I'm stupid for making these decisions when I actually want a friend I want a f*****g friend to tell me they care buy to mean it I want a soul mate I'm too lonely not a single day passes by that I don't think about killing my self or running away getting on a train and going where ever it goes or just walking walking and walking idc what happens to me I just want to walk be alone with my thoughts suffer alone I've given up I'm helpless worthless useless I want my end to come already so I hope someone reads this and guides me and not just guide me but be my friend take ur time I don't want to keep falling in loneliness I want help but from someone that will stay not just help and go just like everyone has in my life ..... I'll stop typing now good night