Thank you for any help and taking time to read through this :3
Um so I've not done something like this before. I just don't know what else to do. I have not been diagnosed with anything but I am certain I have anxiety and depression as well as OCD simply because of what is and has been going on mixed with the fact that my father was convicted due to obsessive stalking of my mom and my great grandmother was institutionalized for it. I am seventeen and live in a rural town. I lived here until 5th grade and moved to Indianapolis until coming back here in 8th grade. I've always had OCD tendencies but 8th grade is when problems with my hair started. I had long-ish har for a guy and at first I didnt have problems but it has gradually developed to where it is now. I can not go out unless my hair is exactly how I want it otherwise I will panic pretty violently. This is just an example of why I think I have OCD. The real problem lies within what has happened within the last year and a half.
I am a senior now, I did not get a really legitimate girlfriend (not counting middle school) until sophomore year (I took online school freshman year and secluded myself from others which I believe contributed to my anxiety). I am still dating her and we quicjly became serious in the beginning. The only thing she had done before me was make out with another guy. That's it. She wore some questionable clothes but everyone does nowadays I guess. I knew these two things pretty quickly. We started doing pinky promises at some point just because we thought it was cute but it eventually turned into me being controlling by not letting her talk to people and pinky promise she wouldn't. I did not want to do this but I started thinking about stuff that bothered me involving her that didn't before. I kept thinking about her kissing another guy and continually got upset. Little by little I found out more. Over this past year she has lied to me out of fear (I believe) and then fed me bits of information that has bothered me and caused me to become more obsessive over these thoughts. I found out she sent alot of people she did not know pictures over group chats in middle school. I found out she smoked pot and drank alcohol with her sister one time she visited, along with college kids (although she said nothing actually happened). There is more but to some up, Little by little I found out more and little by little my paranoia and obsession grew. I found out something that upset me one night back in June and I grabbed a pair of scissors and slit my wrist in an attempt to kill myself in front of her. I have tried overdosing in front of her and refused to seek medical help. She never stopped lying despite me pleading, but I don't blame her. Just last night she brought up how she can't handle me being controlling and that things need to change. I have gradually gotten much better since the incident in June but to completely fix all of these controlling tendencies seems unreal to me. I feel sort of in a state of panic. I am sitting in the back of class typing this. She didn't want to go to school today. I just need help because I know I would not be able to handle the thought of her and anyone else. I have tried therapy and medicine. Nothing has worked. I can't confide in her because in the end it's my fault and she knows that. I don't know what wrong with me, I don't want to be controlling, to have to be around her constantly, or to relate everything in the past to the present but I do. Any advice or help is extremely appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy plea from some messed up teen.