I need help with sertraline. it is making me insane

Treatment and medication
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i need help deciding if I should quit this med.

I feel like I’m going crazy on sertraline? I don’t feel good and I’m wondering if i shouldn’t be on it at all  Below is a really bad explanation of things and if you are triggered by self-harm or suicide please do not read. 

but i really really need help. 

 Before sertraline I was intensely suicidal. I thought about killing myself everyday, had narrowed down 3-4 methods I would use, and actually fully intended to kill myself one day but chickened out and ended up cutting myself deep enough to see bits of fat (which I don’t believe is actually a big deal bc it was on my thigh and I took good care of it). I slept a lot, my apartment was a mess, and I felt like I was overcompensating for my mood at work by being silly and making people laugh and junk. I’d come home, completely exhausted from pretending, and just sleep.

I will note now that I was not given sertraline for depression. I was given it because I pick my hair (trichotillomania). My doctors know that I have hurt myself and attempted a half-ass attempt at ending myself.

 At 25 mg of sertraline for the first 2-3 days i took it at 7pm and had an insane time trying to sleep and wanted to bash my head in. I felt on edge. However, during the day I felt no different than how I was before I started taking it. Some time in that first week I tried to drown myself. There was no emotion. It was like a whim and so I tried it.

After being on 50MG for a bit I came home one day and just…idk. I went into my bathroom and acted in a way i hadn’t for a long time. I turned off the lights and I laughed at nothing, I banged my head against the wall hard multiple times, I talked to myself hysterically, I sang to myself, and I felt weird. I shushed myself. I told me I was normal. I curled up and muttered whatever. At one point I reached up with both my hands and felt like I wasn’t real. I was someone else, almost, but still being me? That part didn’t feel real. Like how looking in a dream that felt real but wasn’t. 

 The end of that night resulted in more weirdness so I apologize if this freaks anyone out.

 So, when I was a kid I accidentally cut myself on my hand and it mesmerized me. I took the blood and covered my whole hand with it until it was red/orange looking. I remember knowing then that it was a weird thing to like but I felt off then too. I turned my hand back and forth like it was some kind of jewel. I’m not sure if I was distressed then though. 

 The night were I went off again resulted in my upper thigh looking like someone tried to attack me. I tried one cut and spread the blood on my chest. It wasn’t enough so I kept trying and trying until I started cutting deep enough that it mattered. I ended up covering almost my whole leg in my own blood and it made feel so giddy and happy and I think that’s how I felt when I was a kid too. Idk I also, that night, just wandered around outside. I felt empty and just walked. It was something like 42/32f? Out? I wore shorts and when I came back inside I just zoned. 

 Anyway

 I feel like I’m going crazy on sertraline and I read that sometimes meds can cause imbalances in people where there wasn’t an imbalance in the first place (so healthy people) so I think maybe i was normal before and the meds just make things worse and that I am normal and I don’t need to be on them.

 I called my clinic to tell them I was going to stop taking them but my doctor is on leave and won’t be back until next week and I feel like I’m going to rip myself apart and so I shouldn’t be taking these meds because I’m NORMAL 

 A lot of this I tried documenting before so I can keep track of me but it’s hard. 

 I was wondering if anyone has felt this way before and can confirm for me it’s the medicine and not actually me.

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hello do u take any other meds, or have you taken other meds in the past?  if so, which ones, for how long, and how did it go on those?

have you lived on your own a long time, are you ok living on your own or do you not like that?

do you have much family around, do you see them much?

how long have you been on 50mg sertraline now?

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hi

hi

no, I have never taken meds like this before. 

i've lived on my own for two years now and I prefer living alone

my family lives in another state and I see them about once a year

I've been on 50mg of sertraline since the 17th

 

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Hi, I feel you are going thru a lot. I have been there myself not long ago. Let me try to answer some of your questions. I don't know if you have OCD, but I do know that self-harm or cutting yourself is NOT normal. You hear people say, "Lets go catch a movie," or "I'm gonna shopping." But you don't ever hear people say, "Let's go cut ourselves" or "I can't go shopping with you cuz I'm gonna go cut myself." 

What at you are going thru are some of the side effects of the med, and it is hell for the first 6 weeks to a month. So yes, it is the med and not you the feeling of up and down. I too thought about offing myself, but you have to realize that there are times when you have to live for others, not yourself. But if you stick around for awhile one day you will wake up and feel A-alright, and then you'll want live for yourself again. 

Meanwhile, please hang tough and don't stop med until doc comes back. There are days for me when taking a shower is the greatest achievement of the day, and so, I don't know what you need to occupy yourself to pass this horrible time until med kicks in. Maybe you need to start a journal and write, write, write. Go easy and please gentle with yourself. 

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you may find that hopefully given a little more time that sertraline will settle down and work better, as it can take some time to work (and you have not been taking it long).  unfortunately you can feel quite crappy and weird during the early stages adjustment phase

if things become too difficult for you though, hopefully you can go to your clinic where they will help you?  suicidal ideation is very common and i experienced it myself in the past, and it was very distressing,  but it is not a permanent condition and it will go away;  it happens when we are experiencing feelings which are more than we can cope with; we become overwhelmed and want relief, we are not thinking straight and think irrationally.  i assure you that will pass, i know it doesnt feel like that at the moment though.

you will get better and are on the road to being better, it's only a matter of time.  it really is that simple, so keep going and never give up.  if things do get too difficult, your doctor or those at the clinic can give you something fast acting to make you feel better, while you continue to adjust or change meds etc until you find the right one for you.  in the future (perhaps a few weeks, or a couple of months) you can look back at how you felt now, and how you kept going and got well again, and feel proud of how you kept moving forwards through all the odds to get to that day where you think to yourself... "you know what, i dont feel so bad today"..  it's a great day when that happens... that day for you could only be a few weeks away, and then you could have the rest of your life doing ok instead of struggling and barely coping, and disabled by negative, irrational, instrusive thoughts which are 'not you', but instead are simply due to some disorder and issues regarding your thoughts, which is completely fixable, once you begin to work on the problems, which is what you are doing now (by going to your doctor to ask for help)

i aksed if you were ok living on your own as i wanted to check that you are not spending too much time on your own.  its really important to keep talking and mixing with people.  thats the single most important thing which got me better, with meds just about coming in second place (it was a photo finish though...)

  

you could keep us all posted here regarding your progress?  your amongst friends here and we know how you feel and what you are going through.  i was in a place like you some months ago, totally at rock bottom with very intense negative suicidal thoughts and couldnt do anything or face anyone/anything etc

thats all passed for me now, after sticking with sertraline for a few months.  im totally well again, feel fine,  not a single negative thought or bad feeling crosses my mind anymore.  it's an amazing thing and im reay glad i kept going, i feel strong, happy, normal, sane, back to enjoying hobbies again, people, and life

if i can get better anyone can.   keep us posted ok.. you'll be just fine

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five years since you wrote this but it really helped me today! thank you

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Hi Maggie,
Are you struggling?
I upped sertraline 2weeks ago and I am feeling absolutely awful. I’m having Panic attacks through the night, suicidal thoughts. Just wondering when this will all get better. I can’t get of the sofa.

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i wish i had a post zoloft support group lol

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As far as i know if medications make your symptoms worse and it is a persistent change - the doctor will recommend you to get off this medication and will recommend you to take another substance which may help you better! Some antidepressants dont work, have bad side effects for some and when they change it becomes better! always do as your doctor tells you and always tell your doctor why you want to quit and ask him how you should quit and whats the best medication you should take instead. hope you’ll become better.