To explain, I need to start at the beginning. About six months ago, I had a secure friend group, but did not feel comfortable around them, or anyone else for that matter (apart from my family). I spent the majority of my life revolving around them, worrying about what I should or should've said, how I should act, and stressed so much of the time. Looking back on it, I feel like it was because I didn't feel good enough about myself. Then, they moved to a location on the x ground where I would have to intentionally travel to to go to them, instead of the usual place near me. This is where my problems really started. I ended up spending the majority of my time on my own, not feeling like I could go and talk to them. I felt like something was wrong with me, and so I became my own doctor. Every day, I would reflect on my emotions thoughts and actions, and compare them to what I thought everyone else did, I went over lots of topics: Did I have low-self esteem? Was I too conscious of my actions? Was I too self reflective? Did I have too much self doubt? Was I just weird? The list goes on forever. Jump to 3 months later, now. I sometimes go meet with my friends, and then just leave them when they go to the playground etc.. To do homework, or just pretend to be doing something on my own. The solution I thought would work, was too simply eradicate any thought that I believed to be "bad". I began to concentrate on the world right in front of me, and remove any thought that entered into my head. Then, I realised that by blinking and by "wiping my mind" at the same time, I could cut loose any thought that was inside my head. Whilst this worked sometimes, I came to the realisation a few days ago that no one can be confident all the time, or always be sure of themselves. So, I rooted the problem down this:"Analyse of my conscious process". What this means is that every thought i had, I would not only be aware of it, but I would judge whether it was good or bad or weird, and then depending on the answer, I would get rid of it or keep it. What this lead to was a habit that I could not wish more I could be rid of. Subconsciously, I now completely blank out every time I blink, every time I move my eyes, and every time I think, I automatically wipe my mind. This has lead to a state of complete blankness, I have no thoughts at all. This was because I had not realised what I was actually doing when I was wiping my mind. Instead of getting rid of the thought by concentrating on something else, I was diverting my brains attention to my sense of hearing. So right now, when I am completely "blank" , I am not thinking, I am only taking in what I can hear. If I close my eyes their is no change in my sense, and noises do not change volumes, it as if I am only using my hearing sense. What I would like to know is if anyone has done this before? And what I can do to stop it, because I know the source of problem now, but because have completely killed all of my thoughts, imagination and emotion, I can not think about what I need to do. Please help!
I've sent you private message, hope it helps! x
You didnt mention your age or any issues you have.
you trained yourself to basically not feel. Remove yourself from it all. But not from a place of solace. Just as is. Its a protective mechanism. Apparently on some level its working or it wouldnt have formed a habit. To remove it will be emotionally painful. Thats how it began by being made to feel bad in general. It is protecting you in some ways. I get that. Removing this new protective mechanism wont be that difficult but you sure do need to acquire proper skills and techniques to handle what might be flooding. A pool of emotions flooding in. That can be overwhelming. Id suggest a therapist. To slowly work with you and assess you and take you thru techniques and such to guide you.
Rather then have taken the path you took it might have been more useful to learn and understand everyone is basically self motivated at that age. Really any age but that whatever. They do what works for them. There is a leader of the group, usually the neediest and most manipulative person then followers. You needed to deciede why you chose to want to be a part of that. Did it raise you in anyway or was it the need to belong to a group overall. Truth is having ine friend is enough many times to get thru school. Acceptance is just a part of a need for many. Simple maslow heirachy of needs. Maybe join a club that interests you whether its in school or out of school. Maybe even a little job to give you a sense of purpose.
The best route for you now is therapy. Because i feel you couldn't handle the emotions at the start and unsure if you can if allow them in now. Its like an anxiety rule, formed a trick that you thought would work. Nah. Balance is the answer. Good luck. I hope you can get to someone who can guide you properly.