I really don't see the point of carrying on anymore and I need help

Mental health
1

Hello. I am a 29 year old female. I will just try to briefly explain the torture I go through every waking moment of every day.

I was put on paxil 20mg in 2008 for situational depression, although ive been depressed and severely anxious since i can remember. But i have never in any of those years before starting medication felt like i wanted to die.

The meds made me feel lethargic, more depressed, completely apathetic and non existent basically. I was on them for 4 years.

In 2012, i met this guy. Very charming and sweet at first, but then he started emotionally verbally and psychologically abusing me in a very severe manner. He forced me to stop my medication cold turkey. I secretly went to the doctor and they gave me cymbalta, it resulted in disastrous consequences. I had a severe adverse reaction. Since that day in 2012 i have experienced extremely severe symptoms that persists. I am not able to live a normal functional life.

My relationship continued with this psychopathic man because i was mostly too ill to leave him. He tried to kill me on several occasions, he even had inappropriate sexual intercourse with me against my will, and eventually, 01/01/2017 i went to the police and they arrested him. I had to endure the most grueling times in court, giving testimony, attending court proceedings, being cross examined. He only got a year imprisonment and was actually released yesterday.

Meanwhile, i am in a job i hate so much, i battle to wake up in the mornings. My mood is extremely low. Every single day i wish i could rather just die. I live paycheck to paycheck, literally have more debt to pay monthly than my income, i have nothing to show for my life, NOTHING! I dont even have a drivers license, i am too sick and dizzy to drive and my vision is distorted from the medication i took in 2012. I have no friends, i never really had any friends in my life. Im not ugly or fat, im actually attractive, but i hate my body, i hate myself and i hate my life.

I stay with my mother and her girlfriend. Her girlfriend has been emotionally and psychologically abusing us for 15 years. My mother is old, in her 60s. She is also not well, in debt and struggles with her own problems. She doesnt really support me, but we dont talk as i mostly sit in my room as soon as i get home from work until bed time. I battle to sleep so i never get enough sleep, i never feel well rested, ever. I have severe digestive issues, i cant see and an ear procedure left me half deaf.

I met a guy on facebook in February 2017, we stay far away from each other. he doesnt support me emotionally and i can never talk to him about my depression as he becomes quite ugly towards me, he doesnt disrespect me and i know he loves me, i fly down to see him atleast once a month. I give up a lot of time, money i dont have and put in a huge amount of effort in this relationship, its the only thing thats kept me going, but now i feel so disappointed, unloved and un appreciated. I doubt it will last much longer. Then im back to being all alone, he at least have friends, a big family, a relationship with god. I am actually so jealous of him and it bothers me so much. Why can i have that? Im so terribly chronically ill all the time, i never feel well, the thought of god makes me anxious and i avoid it im not sure why.

So tell me, what is the reason to carry on even? I suffer so much each day with no breaks. Doctors cant help me they say they find nothing wrong with me, i cant take any medications, i have no money for psychologists, i have no energy to even get up in the mornings.

When does it all end? Ive been suffering severely for 5.5 years. There is really no reason to live anymore, i just keep living for my mother. I dont want my death to bring her pain.

Whats wrong with me. I look at happy people with families and houses and im so envious. I would also like my own family, i would also like to have a house and a car. Build a life with a partner who is good for me emotionally.

But no, i continue to suffer so much, i have severe depersonalization too. As if the above wasnt enough.

 

2

Im so sad for this s****y faith but guess what u can heal ur self by start again write ur dreams on paper be the one who ask peoples to be friends make alott of friends carefully as much u can likethat u can be lil busy for not focusing on ur problems nd suffering .. i know its hard cause noth makes u happy but just try nd have some time of  meditation .. life it too beautiful nd am suure u gonna taste it soon .. best luck nd follow me on instagram mevok1 i can support u when u ffeel like u need someone to talk.

3

Oh no. I am so, so sorry you have had to deal with this! Frankly you’ve been dealt a s****y hand of cards. Try not to blame yourself for all the mishaps that have happened to you. It is very hard, I know. I have been physically and sexually assaulted and have blamed it on myself each time. I am 18 with a chronic illness (Crohns Disease) that greatly affects my quality of life as well. Please know, none of this is your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. After everything you’ve been through, truly it’s completely normal to feel the way you do. 

I think first the most important thing before building a family or finding a partner is getting you better first. Try not to focus so much on what you don’t have... It sounds like you really need to get out of the living situation you are in, as well as your job if at all possible... as long as you have your mum you have a reason to live, right? Maybe you need someone to talk to who understands. It sounds like you’re really frustrated that nobody you try to talk about your feelings understands you... I understand. Maybe not about your exact situation, but I understand how you are feeling. Please message me if you feel like it, whenever, so you’re able to talk about your feelings and not be disregarded or put down over them. 

Do not hate yourself. You are a beautiful soul who just needs some time for recovering from mental trauma. There is no set time for getting better. It could take months, years, even decades. It is frustrating, saddening, awful. But in time you will get better, you just don’t know when that time will be.... there is a light at the end of the blackest tunnels, you will see your way out. Your doctors sounds a bit crummy, since clearly there is something wrong. May I ask, after the situation with Paxil, is that why you cannot take medication? It sounds like you could really benefit from trying out a different mood stabilizer... not all pills work for everybody. There are hundreds of them. Is there free counseling in your area that you could try out? If not, the Suicide hotline is 1-800-273-8255. They even have online chat. I have actually talked to them multiple times while I was in emotional crisis... it helped a bit. 

You are worth it. You WILL see your way out of this. 

4

Your story sounds similar to what I have experienced except you seem ahead of me in terms of situation wise.

I empathize with you fully and know what it's like to feel this way. Depersonalisation has also robbed me of myself in a very big way. Most of the day I sit it bed feeling tremendously scared and anxious and depressed. It's not a life and thus my feelings of worth of living. I want to drive but my problems don't allow for it. I'm 25, nearly 26 and feel I have achieved nothing, academically or otherwise. I don't know what holds in the future but your story kind of reads out like one.

5

That all sounds very sad to me. Depression is successfully treated by combining medicines and psychotherapy. Your mental health is more important than any money issues. There's always hope. There're assistance programmes for those who can't afford it so they may be able to offer a discount and work out a payment plan. You could also check with the local government run mental health center, many cities provide free or discounted care for those in need. It's better than nothing. Take care

6

This may be a silly question but have you tried other versions of medication? I only ask as I went through about 6 different types before I found one that suited. Unfortunately you sound like one of the many people that get dealt a really s****y hand in life that isn't deserving. I know that doesn't make anything better but sometimes people need reminding the hand they're dealt isn't a reflection on them. You seem to realise you accept relationships in your life that arnt what you want or need so now comes the next step, getting rid of the negative (or in your mams girlfriends case), try to distance yourself bit by bit from her influence on you. You are further along the road of changing things in your life than you realise. I was once told "you can't change other people, but you can change how you allow them to impact your life". Even if the only place you can come to talk is here then at least you can talk to people who truly understand. I wish you all the best.