I think I know what triggers my anxiety and I think its my relationship, I've posted a few times on here about my relationship problems but its got to the point now where I feel like I know what I need to do but its so difficult and I just need some advice and inspiration.
I recently lost my job and my partner doesn't have one, he sits on his computer and plays games literally all day hes nearly 20 and im 19 next friday. I explain to him hes making me feel depressed and like he doesnt want to spend time with me but he continues to ignore me, I feel like Im trying to sort of BOTH our lives and its putting pressure on me so much, its easier to sort my own out and I know that, I worry if I leave him it'll make me feel worse or I could bounce back up and feel like myself and get myself on track. I've got sooo used to being with him all the time I feel anxious without him. Its difficult, hes says hes depressed sometimes and he has self harmed before when we've argued which makes me feel guilty so I feel like I can't express my feelings too much with him.
How do I leave somebody who gives me the anxiety but is also maybe the only person who can take it away sometimes aswell? I know it may sound stupid and you'll be like 'you're only young bla bla' but its truely become a problem and I just need some honest opinons and advice. This time last year I was working abroad by myself and meeting brand new people, now I find myself sitting in my boyfriends bedroom being ignored half the day and my family not understanding why I'm really with him. I do love him to peices we've been together a while and been through a lot but I feel like my heart is telling me I need him but my heads saying Katie dont be stupid you dont need him.
you and i have been talking for about 6 months on this forum and i think you know that your boyfriend is definitely tied to your anxiety issues. It might be hard, but ending the relationship might make you feel better after a while. I think you might have some dependency issues, and you need to learn to grow on your on.
Yes, you are young and you have lots of time, but your time is valuable and you shouldn't waste it?
Its difficult, what if i feel worse without him? I dont have many good friends I HATE change and so much will change. Im jealous of the person I was before I got with my boyfriend, independant and happy.. its just difficult. I feel like im going mad over thinking the relationship and when we argue i feel like he is driving me mad.. I do love him but i need to start loving myself more, is that selfish?? he has brought so much anxiety and he doesnt do it on purpose he just doesnt realise he does it
Maybe try doing more things for yourself while not making huge changes quickly? Start by treating yourself, or making more time for yourself whatever those activities may be. I always find that once I actively change things with some effort on myself, people around me slot into that change.
Ie. Your boyfriend might start to notice more about you and be involved more, the less you focus on him and what he isn't doing. Focus on you, then he might become more focused on your relationship together?
Create more space. Do not see him every day because you are bored or lonely. Being around someone who is kind of toxic too creates that love/hate feeling and having nothing to do all day will push you towards him as well. Keep looking for a job and dont see him as much. If you find you enjoy not seeing him more then hanging out woth him the decision will get easier and clearer. A solid relationship will uplift you, make you feel good inside and motivate you to be a better person. Needing someone and loving someone are not the same thing. You need yourself. The answer will come to you and it will get to the point you start dreading seeing him. There isnt much enjoyment that will come from watching him play on his computer and ignore you. A job will fill that loneliness.
Brutal honesty. Get rid of him. Life is too short to be with people who do not respect you and that make you happy. You will look back at this in the future and think "what was I doing!".
I would, in your situation, talk to him seriously, say what you are feeling and thinking and make it clear to him that you are struggling to see how this can have a future and need to work to make it all better. Put a timeline on it and if he fails - frankly speaking walk.
Your health and overall being is far more important then this.
I think that you and your boyfriend need a bit of straight talking to resolve this and no hiding away from each other. you need to tell him what the computer games are doing to you. That you need commitment from him and that you are at a crossroads otherwise.
good luck with this because it is going to be very difficult.
Thanks for the response. I suppose im just worried of a failed relationship sort of thing, I dont know what I'd do without him? Like litertally im so used to being with him, it'll be weird without him, but i know i dont think things will improve.
I tell him all the time and he doesnt listen ive told him before its affecingthe relationship and myanxiety and hes like ''go home then im playing my games with my mates'' at the start of the relationship it would off bothered me but im so used to it now i just cant get upset about it
Yeah you're right its just difficult. I stopped seeing my friends as much and spend all my time with him im not sure where to start without him? itll be so strange.. But everytie i tell him i feel like my anxiety is coming back i dont get that support i want/need, its so hard because i really wish he would just join me in thisrelationship, he says he does so much for me which makes me feek guilty.. and question if its me doing this to myself, but hes driving me crazy
So you are in a space/position where you are used to him? Thats normal but being used to someone and actually wanting to be with them as they make you happy are two different things.
Life will go on and you WILL meet a new person. You are very young and one thing I can virtually guarantee you is that in 10 years youll look back and think "why was I even thinking that".
But it will be tough to break free - but think of the bigger picture. Do you want to be with a lazy layabout thats 20 and just plays Xbox/PS4 all day and has no care for actually making something of himself and causing you stress?...........
I do want to be with him, when we're good we are very good. I just dont know where to start.. Like I feel like we both need to sort our selves out.he has anger issues, he throws things, punches doors, breaks things infront of me and it doesnt make me anxuous because i have so much built up.. My head feels all boggeled, i just dont know its so tough. I just wish he could see things from my point of view
Communicate - I will say though that from that message you have just put up that doesnt sound like a mix / environment of a good relationship now or in future. It sounds like you are just accepting it as normal under the guise of a few insecurities you may have or being alone or the unknown?
Just create some space. See how you feel as time goes on.theres nothing you need to do at this moment. Start slow. Choose two days are stay away from him. In those days do your own thing. Do that for two weeks. Tell him i think we each need two days a week for ourselves. I dont think he will care. Being honest. Then after two weeks bumo it to three days off. See how it goes from there. It will easier to figure this out then you realize. I so would love for you to get a job its helps you be indeoendnt and gives you a better sense of self. And you get to meet new people, being alone isnt healthy, and creates co dependency.
I know how you feel but you can love someone and not be together. It's tough discussing things like that with the person you love but you have to otherwise it's going to build up and eventually you'll resent him. Communication is key. Don't hold back either, say everything on your mind that bothers you, maybe say it tactfully though. You always have to communicate especially with things like that. I think it's very easy for people to become dependent on their partner to determine how they feel but it's pretty unhealthy and it's a thin line to walk. You may feel like crap for a while if you decide to separate, but you will feel so much better once that passes. Just remember, breaking up doesn't mean you don't love him or don't care but it's best for the both of you if nothing changes.