I'll start off saying that I'm 16 years old and have been depressed since I was 13. Since it's getting late I'll spare u most of the details except for the events fueling my depression. When I was in 6th grade I moved schools and lost connections with most of my friends. By the time I had gotten in 8th grade (13 years old) I had a few good friends but felt very alienated from the rest of the school, mostly because I was goin to a rich white school and I was dirt poor compared to everyone else. I also got stabbed in the eye when I was little and my right eye turned red in the corner. This got a tremendous amount of feedback and I couldnt go a day of school without being called out as a stoner or junkie or whatever. After half a year of this I began to feel very self conscious of myself and I would pray everyday that the redness would go away eventually from stress building up tho, both of my eyes began to get pinker and my situation at school was getting worse. One day at school a kid came up to me thinking I was a drug dealer just cause my eyes and started listing different drugs he wanted. I wasn't into drugs then but as soon as he mentioned it I fell into the trap. Me an him became friends later that year sharing a common background (he grew up in Oakland , poor, ) ghetto u could call it. And we would get together after school and do as many drugs as we could get our hands on. Most the time it was codeine, cough syrup. But sometimes we would get drunk, or pop pills or even lowgrade acid. We got to a point where we were both depressed and I can recall saying "there's no turning back." Meaning to keep on using. I remember getting in fights a lot and hitting people for no reason other than so I could take out my anger on someone. one time almost killing someone because I couldn't restrain myself. I couldn't take the criticism of what I had become. Eventually once I made it to highschool it seemed as if people were nicer maybe just more mature. And I found a way to channel my depression and anger by joining the wrestling team freshmen year. I became the second best on the team. Then my friend that I had been experimenting drugs with told me about weed and it has been one of the best things to come into my life. For the next 2 years and leading up into junior year I hadn't experienced any sort of depression that I couldn't overcome with a little herb. Then in the middle of junior year I got busted one of my good friends went full retard and ratted me out. Now I'm being drug tested and for the past 3 weeks it's been a struggle. My depression is returning. Although I've been researching new ways to overcome it using herbal remedies (valerian, kava kava, skullcap.) also excersize. Recently my mom is about to lose her job and her house and my dad tells me that he will leave me if he ever catches me smoking again. Even though he's a constant weed smoker. My dads gf comes over on the weekend and from my bad temper I've gotten into fights with her kids that come over when she comes over. One of the kids is depressed, a girl and I got into a relationship with her telling her I love her even if I have the opposite feelings for her just so I could get her to stop cutting herself. I have no one to talk to and my dad is always there to tell me how much I suck or how bad I am at something. Although I have ambition to surpass my dads opinions and I've grown to not give a **** for most things. At this point in my life I almost feel emotionless and to some extent feel as if the bad in life outweighs the good. At least for right now.btw the problem with my eyes has gone away praise the lord. Although depression is here mostly from my dad and I've been thinking of starting up weed again since the drug tests are very easy to tamper with and pass. Thanks for any help And God bless u
