I've had to ask for space & move out for a while. I don't know where to go from here...?

Mental health
1

Hi.

Ive posted on here before about my partners bipolar but now I find myself sat at the top of the stairs at my best friends house wondering what the heck I do.

My partner has had the diagnosis of bipolar for 7 years now. I myself suffer from clinical depression which is also tough. After two years together we've been through some extreme situations along with some great ones too.

He had found the right medication finally we thought as it seemed to level him out really well & life became far easier & happy all the time again.

Recently he decided he was going to try & quit smoking. Went to the doctors & smoking clinic & away he went. So did the easy, balanced life and once again I was faced with uncontrollable rage which made my stomache turn. I had panick & anxiety attacks, was hysterical & was wretching & throwing up.

A few days later he snapped at me for asking his opinion and without saying a word I apparently didn't like his honesty. And off he went again.

Truth is though I appreciated his advice & even followed it. Which he knew. Before I knew it he was angry at me for no reason. He wouldn't listen when I tried to talk & he told me to never ask his advice on anything to do with that subject ever again. Then told me to leave him alone. I went into my bathroom & sat on the floor crying, wretching & hysterical once more. He went out & I had a bath to try & calm me. I decided I needed to get out & clear my head.

Whilst I was out he started txting asking where I was and being off with me. He started trying to argue with me so I asked why it was he felt the need to intrude on my quiet time thus not being respectful, yet if he asks for it I leave him alone.

I just couldn't face going home knowing he was still angry. I ended up out until 8pm and when I came home he went upstairs.

He had to go out later on & I had to get up early to take the little one to school. So I decided it would be best for me to sleep on the sofa, as if he had she would have woken him in the morning. He came home and had seemingly softened a little. He spoke to me a bit & I said I think we both need space apart for a while. He agreed but said he had nowhere to go. He went through his family & friends list & there were reasons for him not being able to go. I said I would quite happily have left for a while but I have two children who need the stability etc. He said we are just going to have to cope under one roof then & when I said that it wouldn't work properly he took it like I was kicking him out on the streets.

He went upstairs & must have fallen asleep. I settled on the sofa. A few hours later he came barging in, switched the light on & told me to get to bed. This made me both angry & upset. I told him I was fine and I was asleep & explained my reasons for being on the sofa. He said with my fibro it wasnt an option and just go to bed. If he had been gentle & caring with it I might have listened but barking orders at me is not acceptable. Then I got accused of throwing his caring back in his face. Then off he went again about being kicked out onto the streets & got louder & louder.

Little did I know at the time he had actually just woken my eldest daughter who is 11, & she heard everything! He slammed the back door behind him & left me in tears once again. I couldnt face it if he came in & had another go so I went upstairs.

In the morning I got up after having about half an hours sleep and sorted the little one. (She's little to me but she's 7). I also packed some things a bag and off I went. I turned to my best friend and my parents for help. Later that day he txt asking if we had any money for a hotel room as he didnt want to stay in the house. We didnt but said I would go talk to him. my friend came with me for support which instantly got his back up. He refused to talk with her about and so we had to go upstairs. (At this point I'd like to say that my best friend has cyclothymia).

Once upstairs he refused to listen & proceeded to pull stuff out of his wardrobe like a madman saying 'I'll f###king leave then shall I?' I asked why he was being this way and where on earth he was going to go. I was met with a barage of abuse about how I didnt care & I might aswell have told him to just get out. I kept calm & left him to it. I returned to my friend who was sat in the kitchen with a brew waiting.

He stormed in & out huffing & puffing & banging things. He eventually came in & said he'd be borrowing a tent off his brother & would be out of my hair. He walked out the door to the garage where we assumed he was getting his bike.

I had to go to pick little one up & when we returned he was still in the garage. I txt and asked him if he was still there as I needed food for the kids but didnt want another confrontation. He said the tent thing fell through & that he woukd be staying in the garage but would leave for 5 mins to allow me to the freezer.

I couldnt settle knowing he was there & he'd be in & out to use the toilet & get food etc. Regardless of the fact he said he wouldnt & he'd manage in the garage.

I had to arrange for my childrens dad to come pick them up a day early & for myself to stay with my friend. I txt & told him so he could come back into the house.

Since then ive been faced with angry msgs & calls saying how he's been dumped alone whilst I get all the support I need. He's also posted a long meaningful reply to a post in a support group re our situation & how his fiance is at her wits end. That he's losing everyone he loves due to the nastiness of the condition and the worst part is that he doesnt even know it's happening until its too late.

His best friend went to see him yesterday after I told him whats happened & he said this quitting smoking is really f*cking him up and making him see negativity where there is none.

Since ive been with my friend she's told me something she's been sat on for ages. Last year I had an attempted suicide due to my condition etc. Whilst I was in hospital my partner told her that he didnt sign up for this and as soon as I was better he was leaving.

This has absolutely destroyed me. I'm left feeling that he doesnt really care & after everything I've put up with from him why couldn't he stand by me the one time I needed him the most. Utterly heartbroken & can't see a way forward.

My children are back on tuesday so I also feel under pressure to have all this sorted one way or another. :'(

2

Hi becky2501. From experience and I know exactly how he feels, he needs to adjust his medication to deal with the change of quitting smoking. In my experience, when I go through a change, sometimes my medication needs to be adjusted.

As for you dealing with his emotional rollercoaster ride emotions, you need to decide if you want to continue to stick around. Being with someone who suffers from bipolar is not easy. medication is always changing and moods change. I have lost people I loved with my heart and soul. I waited years and prayed they would come back but I lost. I am well today but will always be bipolar. I can live a happy productive life but I'll have moody days and need my space. That is a lot for someone to stick around to. I want someone to love and to be loved but sometimes feel being alone is best. Its just how i feel and telling you my experiences.

As for your friend, what was the purpose of telling you a year later? I am just saying, decide what you want but you don't need to take the verbal abuse. Him being bipolar or not does not give him the right to be abusive. Only IF he is showing you that he is trying to get help and be better for him, you and the children is worth something to fight for. A decision you will need to make.

I lost my love but it saved my life. He will never come back and today I accept it. I try to be the best I can even on my worst days because of the love I have for him. I also had to let him go and I'm a happier version of me. He chose not to stick around and I respect his decision. It was the hardest time of my life. I got through it and it made me better. Do what's best.

It is just my opinion and life lived. I wish you the best

3

One more thing, he really can't help himself. Even when he knows he is wrong, he can't stop. That is why medication is so crutial. It stabilizes ones moods so that it does not get to that point. Because you feel terrible but you couldn't stop yourself. Just thought I'd let you know he is being truthful about that. He should see the doctor and tell him or her what is going on. Once again, best of luck!

4

Hi justbeingme2

thank you so much for your reply. I absolutely love & adore this man, he's my soulmate. When I met him he wasn't medicating at all & was an alcoholic. He quit the drink & went to the docs re medication and with the doctors help has tweaked his meds a few times. The doctor asked for me to attend with him on his check ups and always insists that should anything happen between checks to go back. I've made an appt with his doctor for tues morning but am not sure how to go about it.

I think my friend thought I had a right to know and I guess she figured the timing was right. It feels like a massive kick in the teeth & that I've never truly had his support.

Is this a 'normal' kind of response in a situation from someone who has bipolar?

A few people have said if it's due to the not smoking then whats the reasons every other time. My answer to that was the not smoking has triggered episodes. As for previous episodes they've been triggered.

It's hardest when people don't understand.

You're right about making s decision it's just so tough. Especially as we thought he'd got the meds right & we finally saw what life was like with the right balance. From what you've said, maybe he does just need to go back & tweak it whilst he's quitting the smoking. Strangely I didnt really think of that, I expected him to know about that so it never really entered my head.

I want it to work so much. I have to consider my children in all this too. I miss him desperately & feel extremely home sick.

Im afraid that he'll eventually have worn me down so much that I'll not recognise myself & feel I have put my children in a very hurtful situation.

X

5

You welcome! I know what it is to love someone and feel like they are your soulmate. As for him saying what he said, he probably just said it out of frustration. I said many things about the man I lost in anger. However, I didn't mean it. I just wanted things to be normal and in my state of mind, I didn't know how to express myself. It's been years of seeing my doctor and getting therapy that I can see clearly. There is a process from the moment someone is diagnosed to the moment they accept the illness and understand it better. I am still learning about bipolar because things can be one way one moment and change the next. I always seek my doctor and go to group therapy to learn from others. People who are not bipolar can't understand what it is like. I have a difficult time describing how terrible it was when i was having an episode. How you want to stop feeling out of control but you don't know how to stop it. I am very blessed because I fought it alone and got to a good place. I take my meds everyday and the moment I feel something isn't right, I call my doctor. I hope all of this helps answer some of your questions. XX

6

Thank you. Yes it has helped quite alot actually, more than you'd possibly think. I've had a bit of an argument with my mum tonight over it all. She said it seems like he 'plays' on it when having an episode so he can shout at me more. Even though ive explained it time & time again, told her about this post & response & printed out loads of info from the library for my parents to read.

Makes me angry & frustrated.

Bit off track..sorry.

It was hard to hear what he'd said but after I'd calmed I told myself there must be some sort of reason, like fear of the depression & what it can cause etc.

I still need to chat to him about it though.

What you mention about the process of bipolar and how you've had to adapt, it felt so uplifting.

Thank you x

7

Been thinking on what everyone has said so far about the shouting etc, including yourself about how him being bipolar does not give him the right to be abusive.

Is that something he will have control over? I understand he won't have control over whats going on in his head or what comes out, but is it possible to control how it comes out..I.e being able to say it rather than shout it?

Just a thought, as ive noticed a pattern now I thunk back that if anyone else is around who could hear he'll either keep his mouth shut or quieten. Which suggests to me he's in control slightly.

8

Hi Becky2501!

I've been doing some reading and the truth is that it is difficult to be in a relationship with people that suffer from the illness of bipolar. I believe it is true love that keeps people together. However, many relationship end because it is too much to deal with. I don't know if I can suggest a website to go and read about moods and bipolar but I suggest you search bipolar hope.

I read this from someone who is bipolar and I wanted to share it;

I am in engaged to a wonderful man and constantly wonder why he stays with me. I do tell him I appreciate him and everything he does for me however, like the majority BP people we are horrible to live with. It is so not fair to either partner, the one that we lash out to or the one with this demon in our brain. I am aware of my actions and do apologize and tell him it’s not his fault that I am just angry. It is very sad to open your eyes on a beautiful sunny day and hate the world along with everything and everyone in it for no reason. No one chooses to be like that. Add PMS to that and look out. There are days I don’t even want to look at him, be around him or be touched by him and he has done nothing wrong. Then other days it’s like we just first met all over again, very loving, happy and can’t get enough of him. I honestly don’t have any advice to give you to help you cope with BP partners. I know I Wouldnt be able to be treated that way.

Her statement is very true but sometimes it is difficult to be around yourself, let alone other people. I don't know if he has control or not. Maybe it would help you if you went to a meeting of people who have loved ones who suffer from bipolar. It may answer many more of your questions. X

9

Hi just read your posts and they have helped.  I have just ended a relationship after 12 months of not being able to decide what to do.  My partner is bi-polar on medication at the moment which seems to be working.  However, even though he is my soulmate and best friend i cannot get rid of the fear of him being ill again or letting me down.  Its so hard.  I don't think he understands how frightened i am of his illness now.  I went through really bad times for four years and now he seems better i seem to want to run away.  Its so frustrating that love can be thwarted by this illness.  You sound really positive.  Thank you.

10

I understand and know how difficult it must be. It was difficult for me to accept losing the love of my life. I was the reason or me and my illness. I know there will never be an us again and I have to respect and understand that. Our relationship was complicated but my love was real and true. . I still love him but I deserve to live and be happy. I will make a lucky man very happy and one day you will find someone special! I didn't choose this illness but I have to live with it. I can't walk away from it so I have to believe there is someone out there who will believe in me. This time in my life, I'm committed to me and no one else. I believe...hang in there and things will get better. It's difficult but it was a decision you had to make to be fair to the both of you! I wish you the best!