I've hated myself for so long, I've felt so insecure, I've felt like I'm not worth it.

Mental health
1

Hi,

My name is Jack. I'm a 17 year old United States guy. Born into a wealthy family, considered to have very good looks, a nice smile, full of charisma, and an outgoing, friendly, weird personality. I start and play varsity hockey, I'm going to Norway my senior year for a foreign exchange trip. I grew up with a very loving m and dad. Life is great. Life is fantastic.

On the surface.

For years I've been the doormat to my friends. They target me relentlessly because I'm a little more awkward than the rest of them. I'm skinny. I'm shy. That would be considered a sort of target for douchebags. I'd be considered part of the "jocks", "the sporty guys." I feel so disconnected, so isolated, so insecure. I'm more lonely in a crowd of people than I am at home. I feel as though all of the s**t I've gotten in the past years, since 3rd grade (I'm a junior in high school now) has finally put a dent in me. Although, on the outside, I'm outgoing, good looking, nice smile, (compliments up and down for as long as I can remember), I feel so empty. I don't have real friends; I have people I dick around with, make a joke or two, but they make me feel unwelcome in the end. My best friend has persecuted me, calling me a dumbass for being a devout Lutheran, and he's seemed to give up on me. At school, I only hang around people I seem to fit in with, even though I'm so wildly different from them, it just seems like if I don't hang with them, I don't have anybody. This harassment has made me anxious; I don't wear t shirts to school anymore because I'm afraid of being made fun of on account of how pale and skinny I am. I constantly go through heartbreak after heartbreak. I've held onto this dream of having this girl who, to my estimated knowledge, does not in any way feel the same for me. I get this fantasy of being with her, but I don't know. 

Please, I just feel so alone. My younger sister and brother feel the same way, my sister being on suicide watch. I feel as though this wasn't acquired through my life, rather I was born with it? I'm so insecure, so worried, plagued with anxiety, my brain always reminds me that I'm not good enough. There are episodes where I go through a day completely fine, then there are times where I'm like this. I don't know if anybody can take anything out of this splatter of a confession. Though if you can, it would be greatly appreciated if I could have someone talk me through it. Just knowing someone cares or has compassion is enough. I know that is a selfish statement, but how is a person to live happily without the help of a companion? A real companion.

Thank you.

2

Hey jack and welcome to this forum 

Sounds similar to my situation in a way, but I’m a lot older.

Now I’m a stand up comedian and have been for many many years. People see the glitz and glamor and the parties, smiles and fun times. BUT they fail to see behind this. I lack confidence I’m shy, and very lonely. As people like the chatachter I portray as a stand up, and never get to know the real me. I’ve suffered depression for many years. Yet when I’ve told people this, they don’t believe me as how can someone who makes so many people laugh and happy, be so sad.

Over the years I’ve lost trust in others as they let you down. And now see all so called friends as ‘acquaintances’, or friends due to circumstance. Those friends at school were friends cause we were at school and that’s it, those friends at work are due to working together, or as I describe it ‘walking on the same piece of carpet for 8 hours a day’.

Your so called friends don’t sound like friends to me, in the way trey treat you.

Try not to please everyone else at your own expense, focus on the relationships you want to work on, and in that process take it slow and don’t expose yourself too much.

It all works out in the end, it’s all about the mindset and thinking, seeing others for how they are, and what they bring to the table.

Never cross oceans for those unwilling to step over a puddle.

What do you want in life? 

3

Jack,

So glad you poured your heart out here.  It always helps to share you feelings in a safe environment.  Its not helpful to keep them pent up.   Being a teenager is really tough time so I understand where you are coming from.  Your age now magnifies these insecure feelings.  It's somewhat common but when it or anything affects your life in such negative ways then that when it's time to reach out for help.  

First, are you doing a lot of negative self talk?   Pay attention to what you are telling yourself.  "WHAT YOU THINK DETERMINES HOW YOU FEEL"  always.  If you can catch yourself giving yourself negative talk, say  STOP!    Write down some positive affirmations about yourself and replace the negative with the positive. Look at yourself in the mirror sometimes and say these affirmations.  

Get involved in as many activities that you enjoy so you can meet people that have things in common.  Soon you will be out of high school and will have opportunities to meet new people. 

Mostly,  don't continue to suffer, get help by going to a psychotherapist.  Talk to you parents or a school counselor  about your issues.  This is nothing to be embarrassed about.  So many people suffer and getting help is where you can learn techniques to feel better about yourself.   God made you and you are perfect.   When you realize that you will start giving off an energy that will attract others to you.  If you believe you are to worth, others are going to perceive you that way.  You have to realize you have so much to offer and are soooooo worthy!  

4

Thank you so much, your effort in that writing made it clear that you care. You are a great person and I pray for happiness in return!

5

Unbelievable advice. Especially those last two lines. Thank you for putting in that effort in your writing. Also, thank you for sharing your story, unbelievably powerful stuff. Just made my day a whole lot better. I'm praying for equal happiness in return!

6

Hi I find it interesting that both your brother and sister feel the same way you do which tells me it must be your family life which is inadequate.  Do your parents take an interest in your life?  Do they put too much pressure on you?  Are negative emotions allowed in your family?  Do you feel they ever validated your emotions?  Lots of questions but it might help you work out what is wrong coz something sure is.  x