I want to disappear.

Mental health
1

Hello. I am 16 and I'm kind of done with life. I want to leave my home but if I do I'll probably just die so I'm just like why not now? I've lost hope in almost everything and today I was thinking about dying but I don't think I have the courage. Lately I've been crying every day but I can't let anyone hear me especially my parents because they'll just think I'm faking it. There are times when I can cry in front of them but I never truly feel better because I can't be upset because of them. Only things that aren't their fault. So what's the point in talking if it won't change anything. I cry so they won't hear me or see me.

I feel horrible. I hate myself. I don't do anything but study and I can't make people smile. I want all of these things that I don't have and I desperately want to leave this house even though I should be grateful because there are people in the world who are worse off then me. But sometimes I think I would rather have parents who beat me and I can yell at them or who neglect me than the parents I have now. I'm just tired. They say that they are stressed and I have no idea and I just want to jump out the window. Like I'm not stressed. I really just want to be done. I don't want to worry about anyone or anything anymore.

I really do try hard to be good. I am number 2 in my school. I don't yell and scream and slam doors. I make cards every time a holiday rolls around. I tell them I love them. It doesn't matter because I'm messy, and I'm slow, and I pull out my hair, and I pull away when she pops my pimples. Because I don't move around much, because I wake up with bruises on my chin.

I am just done. My mom and my stepdad really are perfect for each other. I lost hope in them caring and if they ever find this then oh well. I'll pray for god to kill me if I can't do it. I know they will make me out to be the horrible one and they will be the victims. That always do. If they read what I just wrote they will it seem like I made them look like villains. I can't ever be the victim with them because they are adults and have suffered so much already and I don't know suffering. 

I've hinted to my sisters but they think I'm joking. It's not a joke. I might just die because I don't think I can keep hanging on for 2 more years and all this might not end after that. I can't stand this house.

Can someone please just help me. Can you pray for me. I just need something or else I feel like I'll die. 

2

Sorry it's so long

3

I think if I was 16 again, and I was completly done with this life, instead of killing myself, I would imagine that I had, but then start a new life knowing you have nothing to lose as you just killed yourself, then I would go on an adventure to Borneo or smewhere and volunteer to help baby Orangutan or something.

I attembted suicide three weeks ago, it was too horrible to bare so I asm still here, but now I can imagine every day is a bonus as I am not suppossed  to be here now. In fact I am a bit worried that as I invited Death into me life, he is now inside me and is going to claim me slowly.

Or you could just hang on to your present situation for a while, something interesting may soon come along that you would be glad you didnt miss. 

4

All love to you k-c xxx God bless xxx

 

5

Sorry to hear you feel so low. I will pray for you that you find someone to talk to about the way you are feeling. Do you have a relative you could talk to or is their a teacher at school you could talk to?

I think you should go and talk with your GP as well as they may be able to help you.

6

Hi K-c - sorry to read of your situation. I'm wondering if there is a counsellor at school you can talk to about this? If not, then you need to make an appointment with a doctor to discuss what is happening with you. It's sad that your parents aren't responding and that you feel you can't relate to them. Suicidal ideation is a serious matter and must be dealt with. Another step you can take is to Journal what you are feeling, thinking, things that happen to you in the day. It can be your freind, somewhere where you can pour out your heart. It is invaluable to look back on and will teach you about yourself and any recurring themes that might trigger how you feel. It is also a tool that you can reveal to your doctor/counsellor/therapist to help them understand you and better know how to treat you. One of the most fearful things for a person is uncertainty about the future. We imagine all sorts of things and often underestimate how strong and resiliant we really are. Right now you need someone on your side - so make that appointment and take it from there. One day at a time. It will help. Remember you are not alone, and we are alawys here to reach out to. Things will get better.