Hi,
Only once was I so ill after a breakdown.. I got so low I did not eat, sleep, wash or care.
My question is; why does it seem you have to get so low before your mental illness is really taken seriously?
I try hard to overcome my difficulties and explain myself to professionals. I make an all out effort to go to an appointment, answer their questions, be examined, even though I feel like a bag of $h!te.
I think I do very well with the bowl of tangled spaghetti impersonating my brain to even turn up. Why would a comment like "you don't look mentally ill" be appropriate?
Will those of us who are trying very hard to take care of ourselves forever be judged by the cover of normality?
Thanks for reading.
S
I agree with you my last appointment with a psychiatrist 2 weeks ago said I looked well groomed and noticed my half painted light coloured nails. I looked dreadful that day and wished he knew how I usually looked. told him I weren't showering etc didnt seem to matter that I felt absolute sh*t. Don't know if im menopausal and depressed or bipolar but im finding it hard to get anywhere. They are thinking about trying me on lithium as im ill every 3 months which I dont understand. Been trying to get answers for years. Maybe one day?
I can totally relate to this.
I always find going to appointments in themselves hard enough but I try to make myself look presentable because I've always just thought that was a kinda respectful thing to do around medical professionals.
Equally my mam has always encouraged me that when I feel at my worst to try and get myself a bit done up as a) sometimes painting your nails or something can be calming and therapeutic to me, b) it's something I can do quietly on my own that occupies my hands and keeps my mind a little bit busy of "normal" things for a while and c) when I look in the mirror I feel less like the mess I actually feel in my head.
But then doctors and stuff started commenting on how I didn't "look" mentally unwell... And this angered me no end.
All the days I've spent lying in bed unable to get up, dressed or washed, so many many days. But one day I feel I can at least make myself "look" somewhat like my "normal" self and this somehow diminishes my illness?
They wouldn't do that with any other illness, in fact I'm sure they'd praise you for trying, you know?
I spoke to a counsellor once about this and she encouraged me to almost dress "ill" when I saw the dr... To just make sure they "got it".
I find it all infuriating to be honest but I think it happens a lot as there is such chronic underfunding and lack of training in mental health.
It really is such a shame because it feels sometimes like you can't win.
xxx
I am appalled that anyone...espcially a professional would say something so crass.
I totally understand what you mean though. It is amazing what you can manage to do when you are experiencing "spaghetti brain", but people don't appreciate the effort that goes into it.
Perhaps we should stop covering up....what would they think of us then???
You can't win.
It was good to read your post, thank you for writing.
Pat
Personally, I put a lot of effort into my appearance, but only because I take people's opinions of me far too seriously, and that's where there's an issue, when you only value yourself through how much others value you. I think people heavily depressed can look 'depressed' unwashed etc, but can also be very well presented, and there could be a reason for this. I don't find that I'm taken any less seriously because I rock up to the docs well presented, I think I'm treated like anyone else that is dealing with mental health issues.
Hi Audrey,
Thank you for replying. Yes, I understand that turning up in a clean and tidy appearence is showing respect, I agree. It is something I would try to do (ill or not) and that's exactly my point...how could they possibly equate being dressed well with not being unwell?
I support you 100% in your bid to help yourself by doing your nails or whatever makes you feel better. Isn't that what we all want.
Well done for bringing this up with a counsellor too. It's such a shame the counsellor knows that our appearence is taken into consideration.
I'm seeing that I am not alone in this and that in itself is helpful for me.
Thank you.
I wish you all the best.
S
Hi Pat,
Thank you for replying. Yes indeed, what would they think...maybe I should go to my next session dressed as I have been today. In old sweat pants with a grass stain and dog paw marks and my fabulous uncombed ponytail. Well, I'm ill you see. As you say we can't win!
I wish you the best.
S
I agree that's it a totally appalling way of judging mental illness, I've just had it happen to me a lot.
I've always been one of those people who enjoyed getting a bit dressed up, doing my make up and hair etc... So I do try to still do it when I can. But I do find it hard.
It's just all such a weird/unfair way of doing things, and quite a shallow way of looking at things. I mean sometimes the only thing I can do all week is my hair but does this make me well? I know it doesn't, but to some it proves I'm doing ok.
I think much more training and in depth appraisal of people as a whole needs to be done to be honest, I shouldn't have to feel I have to dress up or down to see my dr! Symptoms alone should be enough.
Anyway sorry for the rant!
And I'm so sorry you've had similar experiences too, it is so so unjust.
Can I just thank you though for bringing this up as it is something I've felt upset about before but never really thought it through (prob coz you know, I'm not too well!). I think it's a really important discussion though so it's great you brought it up.
Xxx
Hi Caitlin,
Thank you for replying.
I'm sure you do put a lot of effort in and that is my point. If you consider yourself to have a mental illness, depression or anxiety why would you be treated differently because of the way you look.
I always try to look presentable and why shouldn't we if we're able to - as I admitted, when I was in dire straits I was not able to - so surely it must be good for you to be seen taking care of yourself.
I'm with you when you say you take other people's opinions far too seriously. I have that a little of that too and I think it is also an issue the professionals should be able to address.
Obviously not everyone will have experienced this and I hope its not the case for the majority.
I wish you the best.
S
You are quite right "symptoms" should be enough.
What also concerns me is, if we're making an effort and we are unwell. The flipside is others "dressing ill" on purpose, what does that make them?
S
Completely!
I know it's a dark side of society people would hope doesn't exist, but lets be honest, it does.
Some people take advantage of mental illness as a disease you can't really "see" and unfairly claim they are poorly too.
It undermines those of us who are really unwell.
But I guess that's what happens when people judge things on appearances. Maybe more in depth psychological diagnosis would be preferential to how a person looks or seems.
I have put on some Oscar winning performances to protect my family from my illness, but maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should just always be honest?
I just worry I'm going to bore people or get on their nerves by constantly being honest.
Normally I'm like:
Others: "how are you?"
Me: "oh I'm fine, how are you?"
Really it's like:
Others: "how are you?"
Me: "well actually I haven't slept properly in months, I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm angry and I don't know what to do"
But yeah it doesn't really work like that... Agh this whole mental health thing is so complex isn't it?
There's so many added "extra" horrible elements to this illness that some people can't even begin to understand...
xxx
Absolutely.
I know what you mean with the Oscar winning performances. To save someone else from feeling uncomfortable with the truth, we pretend everything is okay.
Would you say that glossing over the intense symptoms of your illness in order to protect your loved ones is not actually helping you get better?
I would say that I have recently stopped doing this and I know people are walking away. They are extremely uncomfortable with the truth of the situation. But it is showing me who genuinely cares for me because they are still here and those that have gone didn't really care at all.
x
S
This! This is my life. I get told I only have mild depression after a suicide attempt because I "dont look or act depressed". So I get a job because I think there's nothing wrong with me I just need to get a grip. Then I fail at that job because I cant get out of bed in the morning or use my brain because its all fog. Then Im back to square one and still not taken seriously. They said I have a personality disorder instead when I have no problems with abandoment or rejection. Thre is zero support for people who are trying to follow advice and get out and do things/get washed and dressed in the morning!
Thats very true that I think we force ourselves to spare others from the uncomfortable truth of how we really feel. I dont know about anyone else but when I show how bad I feel, it makes me feel worse because im so used to pretending to be okay. I feel like if I showed how I felt all the time it would drive people away eventually.
I;ve had the same sort of thing happen to me, I'm educated and from the wrong socio/ecomonic group for mental illness so I've had to put up with a lot of sh*t in the past from psychiatric nurses. I expext that as an adult i should be able to say what's happening in my brain and believed. How hard should that be.If you don't get that then complain to the CEO of your area'sHealth Trust. That's what I did.
Like all the other wonderful replies below I also know what you mean, the problem with mental health is a) we tend to spend so much time 'manning up' or 'pulling ourselves together' that by the time we get to the point of letting our appearance go we are well on our way to bottom. B) it's not like we have blood, snot or agonising pain to indicate our problem, no one can see the chemical imbalance in our heads we look normal, act normal (even when screaming inside) and also feel a bit daft for daring to admit we need help. They say mental health has come a long way, I find more help from other sufferers than the system as there still seems to be more reliance on meds than on discussion
I hope knowing there are others just like you will help, I may be a waffling fool but if I can help in any way please let me know
Namaste
Hi,
The very same here...when I have seen the look on someone's face when I have been a complete mess, not only do I feel bad that I have affected them, I also feel worse inside.
I think I have spent most of my life pretending everything is ok.
That is very sad.
Thank you for replying.
I wish you all the best.
S
Snap!
Now I am being taken seriously *crosses fingers and wonders how long for now!* ...but I was told for many years the very same thing...mild depression, next!
My ex GP believed 6 weeks counselling would solve all my problems, because she thought I "looked ok".
I think we just have to continue to feel, look and behave as best as we are able to. Hopefully the professionals will take every individual as just that - individually. We don't all act or respond, textbook.
Thank you for replying.
Hi barbara,
Thank you for replying.
What is the wrong socio/economic group for mental illness?
I'm sorry if I appear dumb but I will admit to ignorance in this regard.
Being intelligent and articulate is not an advantage in my opinion.
It shouldn't be taken that if you are able to explain how your own mind works, you don't need help.
Thank you for replying.
S
Hi David,
Thank you for replying too, no you did not waffle you raised good points!
Yes indeed, it would seem that there are a good many of us who are trying very hard not to look, act or be mentall ill. No wonder many of us feel fake or a fraud!
I hide behind my trusty sunglasses so no one will see "me". I try so hard to appear normal because I had to get-by doing that my entire life.
I think mental health has come a long way but they are still way behind, the science is in and they're playing catch-up.
Look at PTSD and shell-shock, yet it took 3 generations and thousands of suicides to work that out. The trickle-down from the scholars is labouriously slow.
Let's hope some health professionals are reading this so they might take this on-board. The idea of a good appearence not being a reliable indicator of well-being because it's already hard enough for us on the inside.
I wish you all the best.
S