Been trying to do an assignment resit for the past week now and have got nowhere with it because I can't concentrate at all. The deadlines next week and feeling so anxious because of it. But also just feel in a really really dark place I can't really describe only I know I've never felt anything like this before.
All my friends have finished uni and got full time jobs now and I'm so happy for them but can't help but compare it to me and how much of a massive failure I am. And don't want to bring it up with them because they deserve to feel good about their achievements. I have nowhere to turn I feel so alone in all this. My gp just doesn't take me seriously enough and my friends and family think the "bout" of depression i actually told them about has magically resolved itself. I don't know how I'm gonna finish my final year I feel like I've been treading water all this time and now I'm just tired of trying nd every bit of me wants to give up. I've always been there for my friends and family and I hate to say it but I feel like when it comes to it being resiprocated it just doesn't happen. Which is very dissapointing and makes me feel even more alone.
I know there's nothing anyone can do for me because this is my problem and I'm just weak and need to get a grip of my life. But that's the thing I'm just not strong enough :'(
Don't feel too alone, you have everyone on here rooting for you
In terms of your work assignment can you contact your tutor and have a meeting with them about what's going on and receive some extra support?
I know how hard it is to do your final year with this illness, I did not think I would be able to make it through and I would be lying if I said my grades didn't suffer, unfortunately they did. But, I did it and so can you! I 100% believe that.
I think I did most my work a few hours before hand in at about 3am. Keep talking about how you are feeling whether it is here, with a counsellor, with your tutor - just keep talking.
Hi you are not weak coz you suffer from depression! That's such an old fashioned idea these days and completely untrue. Did you ask for your depression? Do you deserve it? No. If you broke your leg you wouldn't feel weak would you? This is just the same only because it is in the mind people find it easier to ignore. A sad fact but that's how it is I'm afraid.
You have been very brave to come in here so you have already taken the first step to helping yourself.
Why don't you google online depression tests on here, do one or two and take the results to your doctor? Or can you write down exactly how you feel and just give it to the doctor. Maybe there is someone you can take with you to explain it? Good luck. x
I know, I don't feel that way about other people but when it comes to myself I just feel like such a fraud who's just being lazy! Doesn't help that ever since I experienced depression when I was 15 all my family called me lazy all the time.
I probably should take in a test to my gp but I really don't think she'd take much notice. She's not the most empathetic person and is even worse after the psychiatrist suggested I may have bpd. Now she just rolls her eyes when I come in to see her and is very insensitive. The thing that's getting me down most is the brain fog! It's got so bad I can't even remember what I did yesterday and keep forgetting words when I'm talking to people. And I can't problem solve at all or organise anything because my brain just won't allow me to think clearly enough even to do that. I've had brain fog for a while but never as bad as this. I think that's why I'm in such a dark place because my brain won't even allow me to try and think positively about anything. It takes too much effort.
I was on medication but I stopped because I was so worried about what they were doing to my head and I've tried every type of medication and nothing works!
At my wits end here and the thought of going back to uni and finishing this degree is too overwhelming at the moment!
Thanks fee it's really good to hear that you managed it when feeling like this!
Did you experience brain fog? I have it so bad at the moment and I don't know what to do about it. Uni knows about everything and are being really supportive but they can't write it for me and that's the problem. The lecturer literally sat down with me and made a detailed plan for this essay and we agreed if I stuck to it I'd be fine. But low and behold I still can't do it. Like I just hit a wall of fog and literally cannot even think about how to begin writing a paragraph. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless. This is my last chance and I just know I'm gonna f**** it up!
I'm about to start cbt again as well but that requires a deal of remembering and analysing which I can't do at the moment. If they ask how a situation made me feel I won't be able to remember. And if I write it down I won't be able to relate to it because I will have forgotten the experience completely. And it takes a good deal of thought to put cbt techniques into practice day to day aswell! Ahh sorry to ramble..this is the only place I can get all my thoughts out of my head
have you ever been tested for chronic fatigue, ME? Fibromyalgia? You should really try to recall to take it easy and breathe. You have structured guidelines what to do with your essay, put some classical music on and study take breaks every twenty minutes, grab five minutes away from textbooks and pc screens. Once you have done your essay remember its rough and you can go over anything you deem that needs more explanation or resources. As for the rest, your drs a moron with an attitude problem, screw her, use her for all shes worth regards finding more info about what i first posted then if she continues to behave like a dick find another general practitioner. Yep they are not there to offer any emotional support just diagnostic and medical service but it doesnt mean that witch can get away without having any manners. Good luck and you never said what your essay was about but i hope in the end you enjoy it, Nick.
Breakdown your assignments into segments, my daughter is in uni and was struggling with her assignments but when she broke it down into 500 word segments she found that she didn't get that swamped feeling and if she wrote more than 500 words, she treated herself to something nice. She also spoke to her tutor and got some good tips on handling her workload.
As for the depression, I have been medicated for over four years for it, I went to see a therapist too which helped a bit, she helped me to see that there are certain things which are out of my control and I had to learn to let go of them and manage the things that I could. I can now go outside on my own, I can go shopping to the supermarket by myself and I can go into town too. I do have an anger management problem which I am trying to get sorted out, trying different meds to see which work best. My problems are exacerbated by chronic pain which I am also being medicated for and seeing the Pain Management Team too.
You aren't alone in how you feel, if you don't think your doctor is taking what you have to say seriously, you can ask to see another doctor or change surgeries.
Remember. We are all here to help you and we know what you are going through too.
I wrote a completely incoherent dissertation, went for a meeting with a tutor who asked me how everything was going and couldn't answer because I genuinely couldn't differentiate between good work and awful work. I was writing things and not even making any sense, I would sit down to start an essay and just not have a clue at all! It is so frustrating when your brain is letting you down.
Unfortunately, I didn't tell me tutors about my mental health and that did increase the stress but also forced me to just get on and try, it can be a very productive pressure. All I can advise is for you to just write, write anything - you'll write some utter s**t but you will write some good things too, things you can work with and expand upon.
I stopped caring to be honest, I just didn't care if I passed or failed or whatever. I think though, by you feeling so stressed by the idea of messing this up - you're making things worse for yourself and making your brain even foggier!
It's good that you're starting cbt, you may find those things difficult but, that's ok. It will get your brain working, stimulate it and hopefully improve it. Of course, these things do take a lot of time and effort so it is tiring!
Ramble away This is definitely the place for it! Everyone here is happy to help and listen as much as they can.
This isnt about strenth, this is about knowledge. You need to know that going to school was never one of your secret desires, it isnt for anyone, but the reality is we have to do it. The same happened to me, im 22 and just finished my first year of high, we'll still now sure about that. The thing is you want more out of life, you dont want status and people saying things about you, you rather prefer to be alone, because you need peace to decide about your important decisions. And when you are in front of one decision, there is the positive site and the negative side. When we are in front of doing something or not doing it, we are afraid to let our guts decide, or the strongest of reason, but we stand in that phase of thinking to realize why that part is negative, then the thought amplifies over and over, and u give up on something thats how motivation slowly leaves our body.
You wanna recover your motivation, start feeling alive, thats the thing that is gonna motivate you most. Start doing thing that are originally from you, that means if you suddenly want to go touch an object or something that looks interesting to you, you should go do it, dont say no i dont have time, no i have to do this and that. You should tear that routine of thinking apart, when you think just look at your thought how they repeat itselves, and you always end up on the same results. Well that is just rutine thinking out of your control and to break free from it, you should do what im telling you. Whenever something is stoping you, watch out if that thing is not a fear, if it is thats your enemy, and what you do is go kill it, it will make you feel alive full of emotion, your body will relieve all the weight of the negative thoughts.
How can you kill fear?
Go straight to its source, go straight to where that fear was created in your brain and prove yourself wrong about that. Tell yourself you aint no coward, tell your self you just didnt know, whatever it may be whats holding you down. And go do it the right way, the fearless way, and you will see that there was never anything to worry about.
Hi Nick thanks for replying. Not really to be honest just because when I speak of brain fog I'd say it's definately related to my mood and it does fluctuate rather than remain a constant fog. For example today I was doing okay with my assignment until a thought popped in my head and I couldn't stop thinking about it abound ruminating. Then I get distracted and annoyed about being distracted and it goes downhill from there. You're not wrong about the gp...Unfortunately she's the best in the surgery haha which says a lot! Anyway thanks for the good luck, I definitely need it!