In a total dilemna

Mental health
1

I have been very depressed and extremely anxious for a few months and it seems to be getting worse.  One of the problems is that I have messed up quite alot of years of my life, lost my job almost ten years ago through depression, and havent worked since. I'm now 53 and feel like I'll never manage to work again. My husband, thankfully earns enough money so I dont really have to, but its still really upsetting, and I feel terribly isolated.

I have very little confidence, I hardly ever go out on my own.

I became addicted to diazepam some years ago firstly prescribed by my doctor, then I got it through other means when my doctor stopped prescribing it. I was also drinking too much.  Sadly, I got attacked quite badly a couple of times when very vulnerable, so that made it even harder to stop taking diazepam.

I have now reached a point where I have almost come of it, but taking the last steps to do it totally are terrifying.  Its almost as if, if I dont have it, my life is stripped bare and empty and I can see it for all its true worthlessness, and I cant face that.

I'm also really worried because I fell and knocked myself out about 4-5 times and ended up being taken to A and E in an ambulance - though no apparent lasting damage. This happened when I was very drunk.  I have found out recently that even mild head trauma may contribute to your chances of getting Alzheimers in later life. My mum has it, and I cant stand seeing her with it, and I'm terrified of ending up like that.

I told my doctors that I came of diazepam a few years ago, - they dont know I still take it. Ihave an appt. with a doctor I like and trust next Thursday, and really feel like I would like to tell her everything. But I dont want to then feel I'm 'labelled' and put in a category as drug  dependant, referred to the drug service people, and start a road that may take years to get fully recovered.

I have desperately been hoping to get my driving licence back, after it was revoked because I told a psychiatrist some years ago that I was taking valium that wasnt prescribed. Since then I have have a deep mistrust of doctors. If I tell my doctor what is really going on I fear I'll never get my licence back, so will sink even further into depression. I really really dont know what to do.

2

Hello Carole, what you have talked about in your very frank and honest post is an all too common occurrence today.

I feel that you do need to be very open and honest with your doctor, so that you can receive the proper help to get through this.

Doctors take an oath of confidentiality that should prevent them from giving any information to anyone without your prior consent, so unless you doctor feels that you are totally unsafe to be driving it is unlikely that this topic will come up.

As for your reliance on taking drugs that were not prescribed for you, well you know the answer to that one already - just don't do it.

I'm fairly certain that you are doing the right thing by entrusting your problem your doctor.

Please keep me informed how you go on.

Best wishes

Rod

3

The good news is you have a doctor you like and trust. My GP has saved my life as I was honest with him. Alcohol and diazepam can kill. A few years ago my doctor planned a very slow reduction in benzos and more controlled drinking of my beloved stout (Guinness being Irish). I am on different meds now which makes the odd pint of stout just do-able, anymore is a no-no. Most GPs have their own issues so they don't label people. I would challenge the situation around your driving licence. As you may know the DVLA have just released new guidelines about prescribed medications: including diazepam. Unless it can affect your ability to drive then driving on diazapem is 'legal'. I am a 6ft 2in 16st male but I feel I can safely drive on about 5mg, above that I normally take the train. I have been up to an equivalent of 80 to 100mg of diazepam (nitra / lopra) which obviously it is impossible to operate a kettle let alone a car!

In summary - my advice is to come clean - and the GP will help you.

4

Thankyou stephen.

In fact the mix of alcohol and diazepam has nearly killed me on a few occassions, and I fully understand how toxic it is. I really wish I had never started taking valium.

Ironically the ones I am taking just ow seem to be very low dose. It says on the packet that they are 10mg, but I would be suprised if they were more than a 10th of that strength. 

My husband took one because I wnated to see if he thought they were real, and he said it had no effect at all on him, and they usually do affect him considerably as he practically never takes them.

So I must be on a very llow dose, and part of the effect may be placebo. I ran out of the strong ones a while back, and cant get hold of them again. That is probably why my anxiety levels are now so through the roof.

So I am still in this dilemna.  

I feel that if my husband could take some time off work to spend with me for a month or so and be with me properly, maybe I could see it through properly, and manage to get my licence back without having to tell my doctor.  

I know about the DVLA guidelines - I follow them very closely. The DVLA are my nemesis. To get my licence back I have to have a drug urine test.   And of course they look at your medical history, so the alcohol abuse wont look good, although I generally dont drink now.

My only other option is to check myself into a rehab clinic, but they are very expensive, and I not even sure I'd see it through as I'm so scared of being away from my family.

Thanks again for your adive. I'll really think it over.

 

5

Thanks Rod, I know you are right. Its very hard though to admit to something you are ashamed about, and have been really trying to stop doing

Regards

Carole

6

We all make mistakes Carole, and that's how we learn what not to do wrong in the future.

I can only wish you the best of luck, better health and happines for the future, and if you ever need me either PM me or have a look on the forum.

Best wishes

Rod