Hi everyone,
I'm new to this site, and to anxiety support in general. I'll give you a brief (although I will waffle) history..
So, I've been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was around the ages of 10-12. I don't really remember a lot. I'm 26 now and only recently (in the past 3 months or so) have I been serious about attempting recovery from my mental illnesses. I have spoken to GPs and then psychiatrists/psychologists. After my last appointment I am being referred for CBT, however I'm set to be waiting anywhere up to a year for an appointment and I really can't see myself struggling that long.
I am set to start my 6th (!!!!) year of university (my 3rd year/dissertation) in September.Due to my mental health impacting day-to-day life I have been unable to complete in the time scale set (4 years) and I am just frustrated beyond belief. I am able, enthusiastic and passionate about my subject, however that doesn't make any difference once my nerves go.
I'm currently (although recently changed medication) taking 150mg Sertraline and 80mg Propranolol daily, with Zimovane 3.5g (if needed) to help with insomnia and poor sleep quality.
My family have nothing to do with me because of some of my life choices which means I am pretty much alone, or at least I feel like it. (Why do I need my family to help anyway? They are part of the reason I am how I am...).
I am in a relationship, we've been together 10 months in 2 weeks. Although it didn't start in the most positive of ways (I had a termination, which I also think has impacted me more than I give credit) I am certain that this is a relationship I want to pursue, although it is difficult at times, for a whole multitude of reasons. Communication is so strained at times due to us both having worries (who doesn't?) and I just find it really bloody hard to communicate if I am feeling anything other than "ok"... I am in love with this man, but I am terrified by my actions and behaviours and I am just scared I'll lose him because I'm poorly.. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened with a relationship (intimate or not)..
I have no income at the moment due to returning to uni and being unable to work, and I am just losing my wits, about everything.
I barely eat, I barely sleep, I barely drink, shower, talk to people, go outside (unless it's a drs appointment, but I had a panic attack the last time I went and have been unable to make it to the surgery since).. I feel literally trapped by my own illness and I hate it. It makes me hate myself, even though it's not even my fault..! My confidence and self-worth have long since left and I am finding it so difficult to see point in trying..
I don't know if any of this is in any way inappropriate, and I can only apologise for the nonsensical waffle. It's only a small glimpse into my mind is like - and I am not coping well. I am in pain, daily. My back is hunched over and my shoulder blades, oh god the pain. Everything cracks, my neck, hips, knees, ankles, fingers, elbows, even my sternum has started recently (much to my disgust).. I'm over-reacting but I'm scared it's something sinister but when I have spoken to my GP about it they just put it down to the depression and anxiety..
Please, someone help me help myself..