Is it menopause destroying my relationship?

Women's health
1

just over 12 months ago my wife began accusing me of constantly arguing with her over every little thing.

Heaven help me if I tried to say I wasn't arguing.

She seems to criticise everything I say or do, calling me an idiot, a d******d, an argumentative drama queen, etc etc.

It seriously messes with my head because I know I do tend to defend my actions with reasoning, but as soon as I try to explain my reasons she cuts me off, never letting me finish and shouting at me to stop arguing!?

I will wait for her to stop and calmly try to explain my reasoning behind my actions but she cuts me off before I can get three words out.

Two nights ago I fell very sick from heatstroke. I had been working in the sun all afternoon without drinking water and got so sick I couldn't move without feeling like throwing up. She claimed I was being a drama queen and intentionally got sick to get attention off her!

I forced myself to move and help her with a job she was doing, and even when i did end up throwing up she thought I had stuck my fingers down my throat to be sick on purpose! ... if only because I was seriously in a bad state.

Tonight she angrily called me an idiot and I reacted with my own anger and walked out.

She is just over 50 and I am wondering if she is getting menopausal.

My adult son has told me I make her worse because I put up with the abuse instead of leaving her. He reckons I need to leave so she gets the message but I promised her I would never leave her (she is pretty co-dependant).

i don't want to leave, not just because I gave my word, but because she is my soul mate, my angel and I love her dearly. God knows she has put up with me all these years as well. But it is now at the point where I don't know how much more I can take. I have seriously contemplated suicide after a couple of the worse heartbreaking insults and bouts of abusive mind-f*cks.

Of course, I cannot go ahead because that would also break my word to never leave her.

I have mostly gotten through the fights by agreeing with her, taking the blame for the arguing, even though any logical person would see I was not to blame and often not even arguing.

Am I making it worse by giving in to her?

I am not 'allowed' to have a differing opinion anymore (on stupid things, like where to plant a tree, or a choice of words in a letter). I feel emasculated. I swallow my pride and try to ignore my ego and my hurt at her insults.

2

Hi Darryn have you actually tried talking to her when she’s *not* feeling angry and wretched? Something along the lines of “You seem unhappy sometimes,  what can I do to help?” If you can open a dialogue with her try to avoid telling her what’s she is doing, and talk about yourself ie “I felt hurt/upset when XXX happened.” You sound articulate from your post so maybe that’s an option? Also, have you thought about counselling? - for both of you if possible because it could help you both learn how to communicate better (people are often better behaved when there is a third person in the room); or maybe just for you, as you would then get some support and clarity about how to get through this period.  I hope things get better for you and you wife. 

3

It could be menopause, it's a possibility. Has your wife ever acknowledged that her behaviour is unreasonable? Is she ever apologetic? Are there times of 'normal' behaviour? Has she expressed concerns over your walking out, would it bother her if you left? 

You say your wife has put up with you over the years, there comes a time in a womans life where she decides she doesn't want or need to 'put up with' things. 

If you feel a discussion together would lead to arguments I would write her a letter explaining all you have written here and see what her response is. Then you can decide together if you have a future as a couple and how to make it work.

4

Hi Darryn 

     Firstly there’s a dame good chance she is heading through perimenopause, .... but with what you have said as much as I don’t agree with her behaviour towards you is only your say on this matter ... maybe she needs more help with her hormones and leaving her will not help matters , I know I would rather be alone to go through it than put up with the arguments, she may just call your bluff and get on with her life because this peri makes you do anything out of character ... maybe sit down and talk with her without arguing ask her how’s shes feeling in this marriage try and compromise with each other ,it’s all about listening to what each other’s say without it ending up worse than when it started ... wish you luck 

5

You sound a little whiney and annoying quite frankly. And I agree with Maise who said maybe she’s fed up with having to ‘put up with you’ all these years. Yes she’s most definitely perimeno so why don’t you just back off and give her some space and just be extra nice to her. It’s not all about you all the time. 

And maybe men need to be on a men’s forum not a women’s. That seriously annoys me too. You are asking advice from a group of seriously peri and menopausal women. What do you think and expect us to say?

6

If you have seriously contemplated suicide you need to go see a therapist. If you want to work this out, this is not something that is going to be easy, and you need to work on yourself to be able to deal with this. Never mind her right now. Please get some help for yourself. If you carry on like this it will destroy you. She also needs to see a therapist if you describe her as co-dependent, but that is something that she needs to discover and work out herself. Seriously, the therapist will help you work out ways to help fix your mind which in turn will help fix her. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it!

7

I tend to agree. This is not a forum full of women complaining about our partners behaviour. If a partner Is not sharing something with them, this isn't just a (possibly) menopause problem, it's a totally screwed up relationship problem. I am often gobsmacked that men come in here totally ignorant about what menopause is. This is not the dark ages. We have google. Use it and learn! I know if my spouse was going through some horrendous thing I'd read about it non stop to learn how to deal with it. It seems like coming in here and getting sympathetic answers justifies everything and then they don't have to change. Life isn't that easy. If only it was!

8

Grow some balls listen , help understand what peri is about and stop being so self centred , she needs help and your not exactly giving it to her by walking out ... if I was her I’d say goodbye and let you go 

9

I mean, really? You are threatening suicide because your wife if finally speaking her mind? Because she wants a tree planted here and not there, and thinks a letter can be better by her suggestions? If you read The Wisdom of Menopause it will shed some light on how women start coming in to their own during meno. Odds are she's on this forum with us trying to figure out how to deal with what she's going through, and having a partner who is clueless is the hardest part of all. I agree with Sabrina, maybe you need to work on your relationship instead of blaming everything on meno. Men also go through a men-o-pause, maybe YOU need some hormones! And why you're at it, teach your son how to treat a woman you confess to love so much. Leaving when the going gets rough isn't a good lesson for him!!!

10

Not sure if my last post will be seen because I mentioned a certain book about meno for you to read. But it's important I say this again in case it's not posted.

You are threatening suicide because your wife wants a tree planted here and not there, suggests a better way to write a letter, and is finally speaking up and having a voice? Really? I agree with Sabrina, this probably isn't a meno issue, although meno is finally giving her some cajones. 

And also, I really think you ought to teach your son that leaving the woman you confess to love so much when the going gets rough, is not a very good life lesson!!

So yes, read up on your own how women change during meno. Be a supportive partner. Don't be so sensitive about everything, Be patient. I know it's not fun for my husband and I've even said to him I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to leave, and he said to me "would you do the same if the tables were turned?". And I wouldn't, I'd stick with him through anything. This is what we sign up for when we say I do. Better/worse, sickness/health. So stop aggravating the situation and always "live in love". Be a better man, I know you can do it!!!

 

11

YES! Thank you for bringing up the son, because there is another issue right there. The adult son thinks when the going gets tough we should all do a runner so the other party "gets the message".