Is my wife suffering from depression?

Mental health
1

Hi all this is my first post please bear with me.

My wife is 38 and I am 44 we have been married for 11 years and together for 15, 9 weeks ago she told me our marriage was over that she wasn't in love with me and I wasn't in love with her,

Some history my wife's mother and father were both big drinkers so much so her mum was and alcoholic for several years she passed away 2 1/2 years ago my wife has never visited the grave since the funeral she says she has done all of her greiving.

We have two young daughters aged 6,8 we have spoke about our home and who will live there etc I have moved out to give her space and time,

She has told me several times that she dosent think I'm in love with her when I tell her I am she just says I don't believe you. She also says she ended our marriage for us and dosent want to try and sort it out because she can't see a way back.

We were still intimate untill 3 weeks before we split up we had made loose plans to decorate our bedroom booked a holiday in January.

She said that she was going to tell me in December and January but they were to close to Christmas then February is my birthday month so she waited till March?

Her best friend moved to Cornwall early December and she told me a few days ago that she thought about just moving down there with our children.

When we have spoke I've suggested that maybe a visit to the GP might be a good idea but I'm just met with no I don't need to see him they will only give me anti depressants and I'm not depressed, she has said its been the worst 9 weeks of her life she feels sad down tearful can't eat or sleep properly panic attack anxiety she dosent watch anything on the TV that reminds her of me, she has curled up on the sofa when the children are bed and cried to herself, she has been out with a friend stayed in a hotel and cried all night and the next day. Her alcohol intake has increased too. There is no-one else involved on either side.

She has also said she's had what she describes as an outerbody experiance where she can see herself involved in our breakup but can't do anything about it,

That is the basics of my story my question is is it possible that she may be suffering with a form of depression if so what is the best course of action for me I feel helpless watching the woman I fell in love with suffering like this and really don't know what to do? Please help if you can.

2

sorry I forgot to mention she has refused to go to couples councilling but 6 weeks after we split she started cognative behaviour threapy which she has had two sessions so far. 

3

Hello there FC33 and may i first say how sorry I am that you are going through this pain and distress. Any break-up is horribly bewildering and agonising and awful but where there are young children involved it is almost unbearable. Having been through this myself i totally empathise about how it totally takes over your life, you cant focus on anything else except what you're going through. But although it feels desperate just now, just keep telling yourself it cannot go on forever and eventually things will get sorted out one way or another.

I would say first of all, as sad and unfair and frustrating as it is, you cannot make anyone else change. You may be able to see as clear as day that your wife is depressed or having mental health problems, but she needs to make that realisation herself in order to benefit from treatment. The more you try to persuade and cajole her into treatment, the more she is likely to resent or suspect your motives. (unless of course you fear that she may self-harm or be a danger to herself or others. In that case, you can write a letter to her GP. The GP cannot speak to you or respond to your letter because of confidentiality, of course, you would want the same consideration given to your own privacy if it were vice versa. but the GP will take into account your concerns if you write in).

In my experience, as a woman who has gone through several break-ups, women often bottle things up, and younger women especially sort of expect their partner to be  a bit psychic - they beleive the hollywood myth "if you loved me, you'd just KNOW"... and feel they shouldnt have to explain what they want or how they feel. Of course this means you are totally in the dark half the time and cant seem to do right for doing wrong! It becomes very frustrating on both sides, and its easy to lose sight of why you both fell in love to start with, and the good reasons (especially your children) for trying to make things work.

Be honest with yourself, and reflect over the course of your marriage. Have you always been considerate, helpful and pulled your weight? Or have you perhaps come to take her for granted, leaving her to do the lions share of the housework, child care and family duties? Its easily done when you are concentrating on work and money and everything else,but it feels horrible to a woman to go from being loved and cared for, to become 'mum' who is exhausted all the time with kids and housework and cooking - and nobody notices. And if she has also been burdened with problems from her family (you mention serious alcoholism) then she may have recently had a 'last straw' moment and literally just need some space and time to herself to breathe and calm down. Money is also another very common problem and cause of arguments - have a think about your financial circumstances, is she simply worn down by worrying about money problems? Can you suggest working together to sort things out with a practical counsellor like a financial advisor or family therapy worker, rather than making it 'all about her' by suggesting a psychologist or treatment for depression?

If on reflection you feel there may be stuff that you can do to put things right, my advice would be at first to write it all down in a letter to her. If you try to do it on the phone or face to face she may be so angry or confused or upset that she wont hear you properly. If its written down she can read it when she is in  proper frame of mind, and come back to it again and again as her feelings change. Its also more thoughtful and considerate not to expect her have emotionally wrenching meetings and heart-to-hearts.

Tell her where you feel you have been in the wrong, but dont drown her in gushing apologies, compliments or too much mushy overblown emotion - if she is depressed she simply wont be able to cope with it. Aim for a tone of calm, contrite honesty. Everyone makes mistakes in relationships, if there are problems from her side you can point this out too if you feel its appropriate - she may well be longing for a bit of open honesty.

Just a few ideas out of my own experiences - I am certainly not sugesting this is your fault or that you are some kind of typical MCP or bad guy!!! Im just going by what often turns out to be the underlying problems in a lot of relationships that I hve seen of my own, friends and relatives: its not usually big dramatic problems like infidelity etc. Its usually everyday stuff and money worries that send couples off track.

I do hope this is of some help or at least might give you a starting point to have a think about where you go from here. I do hope everything works out for you all.

4

Hi FC - it does seem that your girl is not in a good frame of mind. The primary focus should be the welfare of your children. Please remain calm at all times, you will get a much better result. Be the rock for her and the children. Talk with her when you can and let her know you want her back. Tell her she is a great mother.  Keep saying it. My thoughts are with you. 

5

Hi christine8869 and thank you very much for your honest reply, I must say being a shift worker I did my share of housework washing ironing cleaning etc and don't believe I took her for granted I have the odd night out with my mates but no way excessive, 

I have suggested the GP as I said in my orignal post but I haven't pushed the point knowing that would only push her away even further.

when we spoke last week she said I know I've made the right decision do you think I've made the right decision, I also noticed today when I went to collect my daughters that she has taken her ring off,

i still feel she is suffering with some form of mental illness but not to the point where she will self harm or worse, 

shes not the bright shining person she was before we split up she looks grey and withdrawn I am worried about her but fear any action I take at this stage will push her away and maybe into a deeper mental state?

6

Hello there - the shift work makes things very difficult. I used to work shifts myself, lots of nights, weekends, and covering for sick leave etc - it totally takes it out of you and it is very difficult to have a normal routine in the family, you are out at work at nights then trying to sleep during the day, you hardly get any time together and your body clock goes out the window. I found it really hard and had to give it up after 18 months. I am sure that has probably played a big part - it puts such a stress on your and your family and  I think employers should have to be much more considerate of family life in the way they arrange rotas etc. 

In this day and age everyones is just grateful to have a job so I understand you cant change that aspect of life.

I would lay off the subject of depression and GP's altogether, Im afraid. You have told her your thoughts, now you must bite your tongue and leeave the subject up to her. If you keep mentioning it she will just feel hounded and that you think she is irrational and illogical and she wont want to talk to you - I think you are quite right to say, you would just push her away.

Most mothers with kids aged 6 and 8 feel grey and tired and worn out, Im afraid - it goes with the territory! Its damn hard work and becomes almost impossibly hard once you throw depression and marital break-up into the mix. If she is suffering from depression its kind of understandable - most women feel very bad about splitting up from their childrens father, the guilt is terrible. 

However: if she feels she has made the right decision, has taken off her wedding ring, and is not keen to discuss mediation or marriage guidance, then sadly it seems likely that she really has made up her mind that to break up is genuinely what she wants. And unfortunately, theres not much you can do to alter that, I am sorry to say.

What you can do is: as David says below: Stay calm at all times. Tell her she is a good mother and never, ever ever let the children hear you arguing or criticising each other - especially never let them hear anything about her possible depression. Children are like sensitive little barometers - they pick up the tiniest changes in atmosphere and it can affect them for a long time. Make sure they know that whatever happens, you willl always both love them and love each other as parents.

You can still write her a letter explaining that you still love her and want her back, but dont follow it up or expect a reply or detailed discussions about it. 

Im afraid the best thing now is to give her plenty of space and time to get her thoughts together and feel calm and stable again. 

However - if she does decide to move to Cornwall with your children - I would speak to a solicitor in short order (unless of course you only live in Devon or somewhere else nearby!) But if you live in Scotland or Cumbria or somewhere - you need legal advice to see what would happen if your kids were taken to live so very far away.

My heart really does go out to you, you must be feeling so helpless and powerless and worried about her and your children. Try to remember that things do usually work out for the best even if it doesnt seem tht way at the time. All the best for the future. 

 

7

Hi david7897 

thank you for your kind words as you rightly say my primary focus is indeed my children their welfare and that of my wife, although I myself are in a place I never thought possible I am supporting her in any way I can and letting her know I'm here to talk if that what she wants or needs.

8

hi christine8869,

i will seriously consider writing her a letter I've not mentioned depression at all and haven't mentioned the GP for a couple of weeks now,

pas for her looking grey tired and worn out there has been a very noticeable change in her appearance since our split not just by me but mutual friends and family too,, I know time is the only thing that will help us to resolve this issue or help us both move on my wish is at some point soon she realises there are some issues that need to be dealt with. Thank you again.

9

I am following this dicussion and really respect the posts written by Christine and David.I too am thinking of you ....... tough tough bloody tough x

 

10

Hi lynne05476

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts,

I'm sure one day this will all be a distant memory and we will all come out the other side. x

11

Hi Fc33

There is another discussion on this subject Can anxiety/depression stop feelings of love? Take a look at the discussion you may well see some similarities.  It certainly sounds like your wife is suffeirng and needs help but she would have to be assessed by the GP.  It's a terrible situation to be in but you're not on your own you will get support of others on this forum.  Take care.  J x

12

Hi J,

  thank you for pointing me in the direction of the anxiety discussion I'll take a look I'm sure it will help,

thank you for your kind words. X

13

I feel your pain.  I am in a similiar situation but we are still living together and our twins are much older.  They are 15.  We act friendly and kind to one another but thats it.  We don't really have anything to do with each other.  We say we still love each other but have not been intimately close in several monthes.  My wife has gone through menopause and she says she in just not interested any more.  Well I only 43 so this was very hurtful to hear.  I too have tried to get my wife to go to a GP or even her ob/gyn but she refuses.  I can live with her claiming that sex hurts and she is not interested but I do think she owes it to us to try and get some help.  You, as I, can not force your wife to see a doctor.  All you can really do is be supportive and listen to her.  It might be a good idea to ask her if she wants you to move back in just to help with kids and house hold matters.  See how she reacts.  It sounds like you still love your wife very much.  I would try to get her to talk to you more.  Ask her how and why she says she doesn't love you any more.  Ask her when that all came about.  I am not sure but I do think it would help to make her open up.  Tell her after 15 years that she owes you at least that.  This is just what I would do if I were in your shoes.  I hope it works out for the both of you.  Good luck. 

14

Hi FC, 

I believe it does sound like your wife has depression. She obviously cares about you if she waited so long to tell you. And if she doesn't believe you when you tell her you love her, it's probably because she doesn't feel loveable. The panic/anxiety, crying, increase in drinking as well as out of body experience you mention all sound like it could be linked to depression to me. I remember when I was at a particularly low point,  I used to feel like I wasn't in my own body or I was disconnected from myself. Like my life was passing by in front of my eyes and I was just a third party watching it. I'd say that's what she means about the disconnected outerbody thing. 

The best advice I can give you is that she may need a bit of time and space but don't stop contacting her or she will believe you don't care about her. The key will be how you approach your contact with her. (see paragraph after next) She believes that being apart from you is the best. It is clear that her case has gotten worse since she moved to her friend's place so obviously you were a support to her. But she must trust that friend. I would say, let her stay with her friend and hopefully her friend can convince her to see a GP or therapist.

I too was scared of seeing a GP and going on antidepressants as I had previously abused medication on a different occassion. Perhaps she would feel more comfortable seeing a therapist first. I know I did. Also, I found that I was much more comfortable seeing a female therapist rather than a male which I had for my first therapy sessions. I found that cognitive behavioural therapy did much more for me than plain counselling. 

I would say, don't put pressure on her. Try to keep as gentle and understanding as you can even though it must be very hard for you. Try to speak to her in a non-accusatory way. Perhaps drop the trying to get back with her thing for the moment so she can see you're not against her (of course you're not but you need to make her feel like she is still making decisions herself). Try and stay in contact with the friend she is staying with if you can and keep in contact about what is going on with your wife. But bear in mind, it is very important that your wife feels like she can release what she feels to someone she trusts and that it's just between them, at this point in time. 

Respect her wishes and try to be as supportive and non-judgemental as possible. Say you are worried about how she is feeling rather than saying you love her. If she doesn't believe that, she may feel like you are lieing to her. 

Suggest seeing a female therapist for perhaps an initial consultation and then maybe cognitive behavioural therapy as a start. 

But only when she is ready. That may take a while but she has to be at the point where she realises she needs help for it to start being of benefit to her. In the meantime, non-judgemental and no-pressure help and support will be the most beneficial. Whatever you do don't press her to talk about anything she doesn't want to talk about. Sometimes she may just need some normality. Also, suggest to her friend that she suggests to your wife to go see a therapist or a doc or whoever. The more people suggest it, the more it might sink in that she needs it. But don't keep repeating and repeating it over and over again either. Baby steps. Even talking to her friend will be a start. 

I hope you are doing OK yourself. This must be really tough on you. 

15

I have just seen this part now. That's great. It's a really positive step. This will help but it will be slow going before you see any major changes. I would compare it to dealing with a wound - cleaning it out hurts but it's necessary for it to heal up nicely. 

16

Hi anonymousgirl,

  thank you so much for your advice and kind words my wife has had 3 session of CBT albeit via the phone I have suggested a visit to the GP but her reply is "they will only put me on antidepressants and I'm not depressed" so I've not pushed that point any further she's going away with her sister and the children for a week on Saturday, I'm going to see her sister tomorrow as the rest of the family are also concerned about her I think this is the early start of depression/midlife crisis? So hopefully we can try and get her some treatment soon.

im sure our marriage was not the issue but understand that anyone suffering from depression might not see that for some time?

in the mean time I'll keep contacting her but no pressure hopefully things will turn around for her. X

17

Hi FC, 

You're welcome. I'm glad I could be of some help. The fact that she has started CBT is a great start! And believe me, some meds can actually make it worse when you start taking them so perhaps it's good she's starting with therapy first! 

Unfortunately, I can't comment on the midlife crisis issue as I'm not at midlife myself! 

That's great you're staying in the loop by talking to her sister. That's the best way to approach it. 

I hope you didn't think I meant that your marriage was the problem, I just know that from my own experience the best way to treat a depressed person is not to tell them how they are thinking/feeling and what they need to do to get better, they need to figure it out for themselves. That's actually really, really hard to do. Going to my first therapy session just for an initial consultation was awful. It's like you're finally facing a problem and at that moment, you're shaking in your boots afraid you won't be able to deal with it! That's why it'll be slow going with her. But the fact that she is going to CBT is great!! 

I think you have a good plan. 

Make sure you get to talk to someone about how you're feeling yourself as you must be finding this extremely tough. 

All the best, 

anonymousgirl

18

Hi all bit of an update really my wife has now been referred to a bereavement councillor which I'm hoping will help her with the loss of her mum.

her drinking seems to have increased even further she's now drinking 3/4 good sized glasses of vodka and coke maybe 4 times a week.

she has gone away for a week as of today with her sisters and children having spoke to her sister in the week she is also worried about her drinking and the current situation with regards to our marriage and her mental state.

hopefully a week away will be relaxing for her and give her time to think away from the usual life stresses.

 

19

Hi FC, 

This all sounds positive. I suppose to you that sounds odd for me to say as you probably can't believe it has all come to this but trust me this is a great step that you and your wife and her sister have all realised what your wife's main issue is. That's one hell of a big step! 

A week away will be good for her.  A change of scenery is good. I have found that from my own experience anyways. 

I hope the situation continues to improve. I know you are worried about her drinking (and rightly so) but right now, the fact that she is seeing a bereavement counsellor is a really good step. Right now, her dependence on alcohol is her method of coping with that grief. Through counselling, she will be able to get to a place where she can start to wean herself off the alcohol. It won't be easy but there is a way through. 

Welldone to you for being so supportive and loving. It's never for easy to stand by and watch someone you love suffer so much and start to withdraw from you. 

Keep supporting her the way you have been, you're doing great even though it mightn't feel like it smile 

I'm glad you posted again to let us know how it's going. If you need any more advice at all, just let us know 

anonymousgirl

 

20

Hi anonymousgirl,

  thanks again for your reply and support I'm hoping a few quiet nights chatting with her sister and the break away will really help, your right it is the hardest time of my life watching my lovely wife change and go through this traumatic time and not being able to help her I guess it's just time and space that she needs.

Everyone I've spoke too my family her family and friends cannot believe this has happened she didn't tell anybody till after it had happened, I spoke to one of her friends yesterday and asked how my wife was the reply "up and down" I got the feeling that her friend also thinks she is suffering from an illness tho she didn't say it.

i will keep you posted thanks again FC x