Is she depressed again? What am I supposed to do?

Mental health
1

I hope someone can give me some clarity about this. I have no idea what is going on right now and have no idea what to think or do.

I've met this amazing girl a few months back. We've been doing very well although she was a bit distant in the beginning. Soon she told me she's going travelling in September and doesn't know when she'll come back, which made our situation more difficult. She kept her distance, she said, because she didn't want to get close to anyone romantically, but she didn't expect someone like me to come along. Eventually she let her guard down and she was very affectionate in this period.

Out of the blue she started acting distant again, which became worse with time. When we were spending time with each other, nothing seemed different. Only when we weren't together, which is most of the time, she's pushing me away.

She once told me she had suffered from depression. No one knew at the time because she's very good at pretending she's okay. It was only when she didn't want to live anymore that she went up to her mother who took her to see a psychologist.

When she was being distant I first thought it was me she wasn't interested in anymore. At one point I even thought she was only using me. But she has always been super honest with me about where we stand, with her going away and all. I'd like to believe she would've just told me she wasn't interested anymore if that were the case. But still, this behaviour was really frustrating because she couldn't give me an explanation.

At a certain point I confronted her again. She ignored my messages all day. I just reached a point where I started to ask myself what I mean to her in the first place. That's when she told me it might be better to stop this between us. She's distancing herself from everyone, she said, and doesn't want to hurt me. I deserve 10.000 times better, she cares a lot about me and wants to be there for me, but she can't get herself to act normal. She feels guilty and sad she does this and it's nothing like her. I let her be the next day and on Monday she texted me if I wanted to hang out. We talked the situation through, although I still don't know what's going on with her, just that she's not in a good place right now. All through our meet-up there was obviously still this tension between us. Or at least that's how I felt. In the end she kissed me and now I'm confused.

She hasn't mentioned a depression. But what do you guys think? She's still doing all kinds of things with friends and it seems to me I'm the only one she has difficulty meeting up with. She's still talking to me though, and takes initiative talking to me. When I try to tell her I'm here for her and stuff she starts responding in a way that I want a relationship with her. I've told her several times now I accept and respect the situation as it is, I just want to be there for her. I've asked her if she's looking forward to her trip and she said she's not looking forward to anything at the moment. She's always talking about this chaos in her mind.

What am I supposed to do? I have no idea what she wants from me? Does she want me to walk away? Somehow I feel like she doesn't want me to walk away and she actually cares more about me than she wants to, which makes her scared, but I'm not sure if I this is an irrational thought. I want to support her and be affectionate but I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing? Can someone please enlighten me a little bit?

Thank you!

2

Aw Sonia, I really feel for you - you care about this woman so much it is very inspiring. 

The first thing I would say is that it sounds like she does still want you there, otherwise she would have made more effort to make a clean cut with you. It does sound like she may be depressed again, it would explain why she is being hot and cold and not looking forward to things etc. She probably feels very overwhelmed by the number of things going on. 

Have you spoken to her about helping her get some help, going to see her GP or a therapist? A GP is always a good place to start, if you haven't already maybe suggest it - let her know you can be there with her if that's what she wants. 

It sounds like she's feeling down and confused and needs some support and it is possible that you won't get any more clarity unless she does. Unfortunately, getting her to agree may be difficult But I hope for your sake and hers that she does. 

I hope things get better with you two, I really do. 

X

3

This is a very tricky one. If she is still going out with her friends, depression may not be the answer. It may be that she is worried about her feelings for you since she is going away. And it may be she is simply deciding if she likes you or not. It could simply be PMS. It is very hard to say at this stage, and I think the fact she is leaving is hugely important here. It may be that she doesn't want to get too attached (as she explained already) or she wants to spend more time with her friends and family before she goes.

Do you know any of her close friends? Personally, I would ask her what is going on. Let her know that you are worried about her and that you are not sure where you stand. Ask her if she thinks her depression is coming back or if she is just sad about leaving (which would be perfectly normal). This is the only way you are going to get an answer really, it is always dangerous trying to read between the lines with women! You will probably get it wrong lol.

If she decides to break up with you, I would fire off a quick message to her best friend (it MUST be someone you know she loves and trusts, not just someone you know she knows) and let her know that since you wont be around any more you would like (this friend) to keep an eye on her for you as you are a little worried. You don't need to mention depression at all, just that you are worried about her.

It seems like you really like this girl, and I feel sorry for you but you did know it was destined for doom when you started it. If it were me in her shoes, I would call it off now before things got serious. In fact I wouldn't have started to date anyone but that's irrelevent. So it might just be that she doesn't know how to do it and feels bad because she likes hanging out with you. But if she ends things, you have to respect that, whether you agree with it or not, and simply fire a message back saying 'I understand babe, I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you are very happy. But if you need me I will be here for you'. That way you are making things easy for her but letting her know she can call you if she needs to?

4

Yes, I do care about her very much, despite the short time we've known each other. I've had a relationship with someone for 4 years, and that didn't even feel this way, as harsh as it may sound.. There's just something special about her. When we're together it feels like I've known her all my life.

I've sent her a message today telling her that I'm here if she needs me. I made clear, once again, that I've accepted the situation as it is right now and don't expect anything more from her than she's able to give me right now. I just want her to feel better and be there for her. She read the message, but she posted something on Facebook that her phone broke down and people can only reach her through Facebook messenger. Since she has read my message, I think it's best if I just leave her be right now and let her decide what to do with my message? I don't want to give her the feeling I'm pushing her.

I haven't spoken out to her about my worries of a depression. I've read a few times it's a difficult topic to be confronted with and there's a chance she'll get angry. I don't want that. I already have the feeling she's slipping away from me, no matter what I say or do. I'm not sure a psychologist or a GP is really an option right now. She could go of course, but she's leaving the 2nd of September, so there's not an option to finish a therapy.

Yes, I think she's down, sad and confused too. About what, I have no idea. Maybe about a hundred different things. But she's not letting me in, so there's just so much I can do. She even told me a few days ago that all of this seems to be heavier for me than it is for her. That hurt, because it sounds like she's not thinking about me/us at all. I don't know if this is really the case or just a defense mechanism to push me away again. So yes, I just have no idea what she's thinking, what she wants. It's super confusing.

5

The fact that she's still hanging out with friends was and sometimes still is confusing to me too. She did tell me earlier that she's a person who smiles herself through each day and is good at pretending she's doing fine when she's really not. That's why no one seemed to notice her depression when she was suffering from it. She said she's so good at pretending, she herself sometimes believes she's fine too. So..I'm not sure.

I know I got myself into this situation and I knew things couldn't evolve to a relationship level because of her leaving. We've talked about this several times and both chose to make the best out of it while we still can. I know I could've saved myself from a lot of heartache by walking away, but that's not something I wanted to do. And I guess I had different expectations. When she said she wanted to make the best out of it, I didn't expect her to suddenly retreat like she does. She tells me there's a lot more going on in her mind than just the travelling thing.

I don't really know any of her friends that well. I do know someone she hangs out with but she's the kind of friend she doesn't really share deep personal things with. I even wonder if there's a person who she shares these things with.

From the beginning, when the distancing started, I made clear she can stop this if she wasn't interested anymore. Every time she said she didn't want to stop it. Only when she noticed that it was getting to frustrating levels with me she ended it..and then kissed me at our next meet up, which got me confused again.

6

I can certainly understand how difficult things are for you. I expect she is just as confused as you are! I suppose the only thing you can do is give things time. The issue is she doesn't have much of a choice, she has to leave you. But you have no idea how many times I have left someone because it was the right thing to do then gone back to them for short periods of time because I missed them.

I think you have to come to terms with having your heart broken. It is up to you whether you say enough is enough or if you wait for her to properly end it. I can't help but feel the longer this drags out the harder it will be for both of you and if she is slipping back into depression (a big if, because being sad and confused isn't the same as being depressed) there is a chance this is part of the reason why.

She will be needing more and more time to herself though to pack, make final arrangements, and say goodbye to everyone so you need to expect that.

I am sorry things will have to end this way, it isn't nice. But you never know, if she comes back and you are both still single there is always a chance. But it is better to end it so there is no pressure on either of you than attempt anything long distance which can end up very bitter and upsetting for both of you?

7

Thank you Angel, for your replies. It gives me some more insight, although the truth is not always pretty, but that's okay.

I never focused on getting into a relationship with her, but I'm more the person who thinks like: just because it can't be a relationship, doesn't mean it can't be anything at all. We can still be affectionate and be there for each other, if we both want to. We already said to each other once she leaves it's simply over. We can't be with each other if she's so many miles away. That's too hard for the both of us and I've come to terms with that. And like you said, maybe once she comes back, who knows what will happen. I just wanted to be there for her in whichever way possible. But she seems to think the only thing I want is a relationship. No matter what I say and no matter how hard I try to formulate things properly, she still thinks I'm talking about getting into a relationship with her. I don't know, even if I literally say: I don't expect a relationship from you, I just want to be there for you, I still get a response back like: I'm just not at all thinking about relationships right now. ....no, I know that. It's almost as if she's scared of the word or something?

I'm willing to let her go if that's what she wants. I don't want to be the stubborn type who just keeps on hanging around, even if the other person doesn't want me to. If she wants me to turn around and leave, I will. But she's giving me mixed signals.

8

You sound like a realist, very accepting and understanding which is good. 

I suppose travelling may be very good for her, may help her to find herself, give her time to reflect. It's a shame that this relationship may be over before it's time but, never say never! 

In terms of talking about the depression with somebody who is struggling it is different for everyone, some people crave for somebody to start a conversation about it and yes, others aren't too fond - but, usually even if you act as though you don't want to speak of it you are glad somebody cares enough to ask. 

As long as she knows you're there (which it sounds like she does) then that's all that matters. 

I've been in a relationship myself where it suddenly became geographically undesirable...we'd been together for about a year and it was genuinely the most perfect relationship - even when we met up the last time to end it I got butterflies in my stomach. It's hard letting go, so I feel for you. But, it's also nice to be able to end things in a good place as so very few people get that opportunity. 

9

She certainly is going mad with the mixed signals and I can understand why it is so confusing for you. It must be really difficult to deal with. Hopefully things will work themselves out soon!

10

Yes, I was very sad at first to hear she's leaving. I haven't exactly had the best 2 years either. My ex girlfriend of 4 years had 2 affairs, my dad got cancer and died March this year. I was so happy to have found someone who brought some positiveness in my life and made me see life is indeed beautiful.

I see it from a different perspective now though. Of course I'm still sad to see her go, but I can really see this trip is something she needs and hopefully makes her rediscover herself. This is her opportunity and she deserves it. At first I had no idea she wasn't in a good place mentally speaking. She seemed fine, but she clearly isn't. That's what's bothering me most right now. I want to help her but I can't or she won't let me. Even if I can't be there for her romantically, I still would like to be a part of her life and her support system. But that's not only my decision to make, she needs to want too. So I guess all I can do now is be patient and see where this goes.

I'm sorry to hear about your own experiences. When I started reading this part of your post I was actually hoping for a happy ending. It just sucks that something beautiful between two people can get ruined by circumstances and timing. I do hope you're happy now!

11

The best thing I believe I can do right now is be patient and give her space. There's no point in sending her messages continuosly. You're right, she's very confused I think, and since there's already so much chaos, better not make it more complicated than it already is. I will absolutely respect every decision she makes, although I do hope she won't terminally kick me out of her life. Thank you for your amazing advice! Makes me feel better

12

I can imagine and I am so sorry to hear that it sounds like you've had a pretty rough time of it yourself - I am really glad to hear that she could bring some light back into your life though  

It's good that you have made yourself available, a lot of people get up every day, get dressed, put on some make up and a smile and that's enough for the world to think they're content - it can be a very lonely place no matter how many people you have around you. 

She knows you're there, just keep telling her that and eventually she will open up to you, when she's ready. Being patient is all you can do, though it can be pretty grim in itself  

I'm content enough with that relationship ending, it felt like the right thing to do - ending it before it became difficult and started breaking down, that way we can both remember it being flawless and happy. Even though we aren't together now it was still a perfect relationship and I'm glad I got to experience that. 

Life, eh? :P

 

13

Yup, and I have a feeling she's one of those people. Always putting a smile on her face when in reality she's feeling terrible.

I hope she knows I'm here. But I don't know how this works in her mind, if you get what I mean? I mean, I've had a bunch of people telling me they were here for me etc. etc. They really weren't though. People say this so easily to others, while in reality they aren't there at all.

It's sad you had to break up because of circumstances, but I'm happy to hear you're content with it and can look back positively on this relationship!

Yes, life happens... Haha

14

Hi sonia, there are a few things that I could and would like to add in regards to this lady that is as confused as you are. Can I get back to you tomorrow. I will be in a better form. It is quite late here and I am missing my ugly sleep. Best be truthfull than lie about it. Regards Peter. Until tomorrow.

15

Hi Peter, sure! I would like to hear what you have to say I will patiently wait for your response

Sleep well

16

Can i share my light on this.. I have been dealing with my anxiety and depression severly for 2+ years straight and i find it easier hanging out with my friends (when i do) because there is no attachment there at all.. Where as when im around my girlfriend its so diffiucult because your feelings get involved with your mind, which in me is a constant battle and i constantly doubt my relationship and how i feel about her and her looks because of my self-worth.. i suggest you dont give up on her, its hard coming from me because i want to do this everyday because my minds so powerful and hard to deal with but, i know its a lie, but thats depression. Also its probably mostly anxiety and overthinking, depression is an after affect of both of these, she may be overthinking what might happen when she goes away and if she will see you again in turn this may be giving her maximum anxiety. Trust take it from someone who is going through this everyday..

 

17

Thank you Alone, for your reply. First, I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with anxiety and depression for this long!

Your insights on the subject is very helpful. The thing I have most difficulty with is not knowing, basically. She's really good at giving me the feeling she's not interested in me at all. By giving short responses, not responsing at all and not talking to me at all. It's hard for me to distinguish whether she's really not interested in me anymore and wants me to shut up, so to say, or that it's something deeper and she doesn't want me to leave her alone. So it's a constant battle in my mind. I don't want to give up on her, but at other times she really gives me the feeling she wants me to go. And I don't want to be this type of person who just keeps on hanging around while the other person doesn't want me to.

For me, the hardest thing is figuring out what she truly wants from me. I have no idea what she wants, but your story makes a lot of sense as well. But you also hear a lot of stories where this distancing is a method to slowly push someone out of your life because you're not interested anymore. And you don't want to tell this straight up to the person itself?

Do you know what I mean? How can I be sure this has really got something to do with the circumstances and not with me?