Is there REALLY a light at the end of my tunnel?

Mental health
1

So, I’m sure even a lot of people in this forum think I’m nothing more than an anxious hypochondriac, but I’d like to share my experience over the last six months or so and things that I have been officially DIAGNOSED with. 

Endometriosis. POTS. Pelvic floor dysfunction. Urethral syndrome. And, quite possibly my favorite, Lyme disease. Which I’ve apparently had for years (I’m 29) so it’s beyond treating with antibiotics. It is also most likely the reason for causing my POTS.

The journey of my health has been a long one. I can’t tell you how many doctors (and just people in general, including my own family) dismissed me, told me the things I was dealing with were  just “stress” or “every day life” and that everyone else was dealing with them too. So I listened. I pushed and pushed through the fatigue, the gynelogical issues, the bladder issues, the digestion issues, all of the weird pains and neurological symptoms I was feeling. I pushed until I reached a breaking point and couldn’t push anymore. 

I don’t know how my body is ever going to heal. My immune system is shattered, and I’m pretty sure I have undiagnosed sleep apnea because my jaw is so small. I’ve woken up to myself snoring or feeling out of breath. And even if I don’t have sleep apnea, I can’t sleep due to my bladder problems which I’m still waiting to get addressed. Point being, I don’t get sleep, and sleep is required for healing.

So, to review, I have a horrible immune system that is going through literal hell trying to beat off Lyme disease and all of the coinfections that go with it, I don’t have the money to eat “all organic” or anything like that, I don’t get sleep and I am constantly battling fatigue, pain, nausea, brain fog, dizziness..the list goes on and on.  At 29 years old, I feel like I am suffering even more than a 90 year old. 

It’s not even myself that I feel bad for; it’s my body that I feel bad for. I should have listened to it. I shouldn’t have settled with the stress/anxiety diagnoses when I knew something deeper was going on. I shouldn’t have accepted that and I shouldn’t have given up, I should have kept digging for answers. The RIGHT answers. I’m paying for not listening to my body sooner, and I don’t know how long it’s going to last before it gives out. 

I would give anything for one last normal day. One day where I could go on a hike without needing to take a break every few minutes, or having to try to find somewhere to go to the bathroom. One day where the fatigue didn’t completely take over my body. One day where I could tolerate a HOT shower, as opposed to a luke warm one. Again, the list goes on and on..

To anyone out there who is suffering with depression but still has their health, please rethink why you’re depressed and if it’s worth it. There are so many little things I took for granted before all of my issues REALLY took over. I used to fight with my boyfriend about who was going to clean or do the laundry, and now I would give anything for the energy to do either of those things by myself. I want a life again, and I’m so so scared that it’s gonna be too late. I don’t see how I could possibly heal from all of this, and I’m so sad that I can’t enjoy whatever time I may or may not have left. All I can do is keep fighting and hope that I can somehow bounce back, but I just don’t see it happening. All I do is fight, not LIVE. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I’m sure it sounds like I just want sympathy, but I don’t. I really just wanted to vent and to maybe even help someone else who is struggling with depression. It could always be worse, but I guess that goes for me too..

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Hi Kim you have really been up the down staircase. So sorry! I am so glad that you wrote to us and NO I don't think that you are a hypochondriac! I think that you are smart for not listening to other and hanging in there's and fighting to find the root cause of what's going on with you. 

As far as healing I think you need meds to sleep I agree that you must sleep to heal and that should not cost a lot to see a GP for meds for sleep and other meds for depression. What do you think? 

Diane

3

Wow, you have many health issues. It’s no wonder you are depressed and dressed out! Is there anyway at all that you could take care of one thing at a time? Instead of trying to deal with everything all at once? I’m glad that you came here to vent. That is important and we don’t judge, we just try to help you to feel better. How many drs do you go to? Are you on any medication for your health issues? Sometimes if you just lay down and close your eyes and try to relax that could help the body to heal. Do you have a therapist to talk to? You definitely need to eat and mostly sleep. You may need to see a professional to help you mentally for the stress.

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Thank you for your reply. I felt kinda guilty after posting that because all I did was complain, but I just had to get everything out. 

My main issue with sleep right now is my bladder unfortunately. I’ve taken sleep meds before, but still get woken up to go to the bathroom all throughout the night. I can never seem to get any deep sleep and it’s horroble. 

And as far as meds for depression go, I have issues with those as well since my digestion is so messed up. The number one side effect they have caused me is digestion issues, and I definitely don’t need any more of that. I have been talking to a counselor though, and what’s sad is even she barely knows what to say. She was shocked when I came in with all of my documents to prove all of my health issues, and she didn’t know where to start. It is still nice to talk to someone though. 

5

Thank you for answering. I’m trying my best to take things one step at a time, but it has been hard because I’m not sure what will benefit me most to address first. 

I’ve seen a GP, gyno, GI, and a therapist so far. The gyno and GI both confirmed my pelvic floor dysfunction. I have hemorrhoids from all the straining too, which also doesn’t help my case. I’m gonna have to get them removed. I’m waiting to see a urologist which is the main thing I’m going to need to get my sleep on track. I think I’ll need surgery of some sort for that too.

I’ve had really bad luck with depression meds because they just add to my digestion issues. So unfortunately, I had to stop taking them for the time being until I can get my gut in line. 

Everything has been really hard because I was blown off and called crazy for so long. My relationship with my family is strained because of everything. I’ve had to send them proof of all of my diagnoses, and even after that they still act like it’s not big deal and like I don’t have it all that bad. But every second of every day is a struggle, and most days I wonder how I’ve even made it this long. I worry each day is going to be my last. There’s so much I wanted to do and see, and here I am fighting for my life at 29. I hate it. I feel like God is picking on me sometimes and just want a chance to catch up. 

6

Hey Kim I think when you are sick for a long time it's easy to start feeling shame about it and you don't need to you cannot help being sick then you beat up on yourself that just adds fuel to the fire. Hope you can work on that. Letting go of that. Can they do surgery on your bladder and help the problem? Here's hoping. Diane 

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I’m waiting to see a urologist, and am definitely hoping they can fix me as well. Sometimes I just want a break, ya know? Just a normal day where I can go do things I enjoyed doing before all this, without being interrupted with fatigue or dizziness or bathroom issues. It’s hard being a young woman stuck in an old lady’s body. 

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I also just feel like I’m constantly trying to run uphill because each of my issues on their own would cause the same symptoms, so I’m completely bombarded here. Endometriosis on its own-pain, fatigue, nausea. POTS on its own-pain, fatigue, dizziness, nausea. Lyme disease on its own-fatigue, pain, nausea, dizziness, sleep issues. Pelvic floor dysfunction on its own-sleep disturbances that lead to fatigue, pain, probably nausea. Possible (but undiagnosed) sleep apnea-fatigue. I’m sure you catch my drift. I just can’t win

9

Hi Kim - sorry to read of the multiple hurdles you are having to face in your life. I wish there was some magic words that would heal it all and give you a new beginning, but unfortunately there is little more you can do than persevere in searching for remedies for these ailments. The fact you are young is a big plus. With regard meds for depression - there are holistic measures you can try - Camomile Tea, Lavender, St Johns Wort.

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Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will definitely look in to natural remedies for the mental struggles that go along with everything I’m dealing with. I really do feel so bad for my body because it is having to work so so SO hard to keep me alive, and I hope I can get everything taken care of before it’s too late. Really do wish I would have trusted my gut and my body and dug for answers sooner. I have no intention of giving up though and plan to do everything in my power to get my life back so I can do and see everything I wanted to. 

11

Wow you should be proud of yourself that you've overcome so many tough obstacles in your life, you're not a hypothendriac you just wanted someone to listen to what you had to say. It's hard to fight these illnesses with a weak immune system I have a weak immune system and from what I've read what you're going through isn't pretty. You just need to keep trying, Good luck!

12

I understand your frustration Kim, I feel frustration, and anger if I'm honest, that since I was 22, I'm 64 now, I have been in pain due to osteoarthritis. I have just had a triple ankle fusion, when I say just it was October 4th but the healing process takes several months. I try my best and take my antidepressant which does not work very well. Ultimately that's all I can do, my best and if it's not good enough for some, tough! Apart from the crutches and orthopaedic boot I look well everyone tells me. A bit of make up works wonders. I think there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is curved so we don't always see it.

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Hi sorry you are feeling so down.  The body is an amazing thing with a great capacity for self healing.  Once you get the right treatment then you will start to feel a bit better.  You are very young yet so that is massively in your favour.

As for me I would rather have physical health problems than mental health ones.  I do speak from experience as well. 

You sound like you are at rock bottom but don't forget the only way is up now.  x

14

Venting is a great thing! It works! You can always come here to vent and talk. This is a safe place to do it. Don’t be afraid if you think that you are complaining. You need to speak, talk it out. Keep doing this while you are waiting for your meds and therapy.