hi all I'm 23 and I think I have been suffering from depression since I was about 8 years old. I know this because I have always been sick I haves terminal illness H.I.V. I never had friends from primary school up until high school because of my appearance and trust me when I say I never had friends especially in primary school i did not have a best friend I don't even know what it means to have a best friend. People just didn't want to be around me because of my sickness ofacuse no one knew I had HIV but it would show that I'm a sick person and sometimes would not come to school due to being admitted at a hospital for several days. I had lunch by myself I was very very quiet and still am a bit. I lived inAfrica till when I was 17 and flew to UK to live with my mother. And two sisters one of which is step sister my father died when I was 11. I came to UK went to college and thought it was a fresh start but nothing changed it still was the same I would always wish for classes to end so I can go home or just go out and be alone I did try to be friends with people but I would always hear them talking about me and this made me feel sad . I had never had a girlfriend till I was 19 here in the UK I always said I will never had girlfriend but when I did I felt life oils changed felt special I was with her for two and half years and I broke up with her because she was more of go out clubbing every Friday Saturday and I never went out or drink. I'd go out with her once every two weeks but well left her and till miss her but she already had a boyfriend in a few months of breaking up. When I went to college I had acleaning job which I did from 5am till 9am and go to college is used this money to buy expensive shoes and clothes so I could look cool/ good and so that people would notice me and maybe tLk to me or something, it worked for a while but not for long. I left college because I couldn't cope with everything I just stopped going and lied to my mom I had finished exams. I left college lost my leaning job lost my girlfriend and was leaving with my mom. Mom kept telling me I was useless I need to sort myself out she kept saying I needed to get a job and stop wasting time about feeing useless I couldn't get a job as my visa had run out. I stayed in my bedroom for months I only ate once my mom said she didn't care anymore my aunt came from her place and she preached on me. I went to see my GP and he said I had depression I was on these medication but I still don't believe stress or depression cane cured with tablets I don't know how it works so I stoped taking them. My visa came indefinite and got my licence 3rd trial and got a job everything was starting to be ok . I started having theses rushes on my face and after 2 to two years they're everywhere on my nose eyes chicks and I it's made me so anxious went to demartologist had tablets for 6 months not helping I have given up I now have my own flat which I'm renting coz my mom kept telling me I needed to move out. But I have so many debt water bill car insurance council tax and u can't pay them coz sometimes I can't go to work due to being ill. I sometimes stop taking my HIV drugs so I could get really worse and just die but it hasn't worked yet. I haven't been taking them fit a month now and haven't gone to the apontments. Last two weeks I nearly went to a shop to get paracetamol at list a few boxes to end it. I've sort of planned how I'm going to end it, 1. Overdose 2. Drown as I know for sure I can not swim and have never swim before. This is 2015 the only this that entertains me is my play station on which I play games and tend to bully others coz it makes me feel good as I am already quite good at this only one game that play for the last three years. I'm being honest. I don't think I'd have a girl fend I'm 23 going on 24 in January and I'm quite short for my height and still do not have friends. I've got a car a flat haven't got all the furniture but I'm ok. I just want to know if anyone can tell me whether this is depression or if it's just normal day to day life I'm not looking toward to seeng my 24th birthday. Thank you to anyone that reads this far.
Bless you Washington
I read through your post and my heart aches for you. Not only are you coping with your illness it sounds like you don't have any support from others. It is so important that you take your hiv meds as life changes all the time and you need to remain healthy so you can benefit and embrace those changes. You are a young man with lots of potential and hiv does not have to be a death sentence and many sufferers lead a long and productive life.
I do think you are depressed and you will start seeing things clearer when your depression lifts. Debts can add to the stress but just offer a minimal token amount to keep these companies off your back.
Have you looked at local organisations and groups for young people with hiv? This will be a good way of making friends that you can trust and support each other.
Please start today taking your hiv meds and take them regularly. Also start taking your antidepressants daily. You may not like how they make you feel to start off with but any side effects will go in a couple of weeks and you will start to feel better. This will make you look at things differently.
Although you have not had much compassion shown to you in life it is important that you try to love and look after your body. Who knows what God has in store for your future! You maybe able to turn your despair into something amazing where you can help others who are suffering with depression and hiv.
Stay strong. Take all you meds. Love yourself.
Big hug coming from me to You xxxx
Hi there,
Reading your story has saddened me greatly. In answer to your question, yes I think you are depressed. You were isolated at such a young age and have had no support at.
Please, please start taking your HIV medication again and please go and see your doctor. Be completely honest with your doctor, this is very important as you can only be helped if the whole truth is known. Depression (in my opinion) is a caused by two elements - an imbalance in your brain which can be treated when the correct medication is found and the second element of depression is circumstances (the stress you have and life issues). This can be helped by psychologist and therapy. The biggest problem with depression is recognising you are suffering from depression and accepting it.
I think if you see your doctor and are willing to accept the help offered, you can get well mentally. Only you can take this first step and it is very hard 😢 I hope you find the strength to ask for help and I hope you finally get the help and support you need
Wishing you all the very best.
Bex
Yes, I do think you are depressed and I'm so sorry you do not have any support from your family.
First, take all your medicine, especially your HIV medicine.
Second, depending on your money situation and the resources available to you, set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, psychologist or counselor and start therapy.
The most important thing you need is someone to talk to and to reaffirm you as you said so many things in your post that need reaffirming. Once you have been truly heard and have been going for a while, it sounds like they should bring your mother in on a few sessions. Her behavior sounds like that of ignorance to your situation, no mother would purposefully make her depressed child feel that way.
The important thing is to deal with this one step at a time or you will feel overwhelmed. Step 1, take your meds. Step 2, set up an immediate appointment for therapy.