Is this depression? What should I do?

Mental health
1

Hi. 18 year old female in freshman year of college here. I know this seems like a lot but I need you guys, so please read.

I guess I can start by saying I've never been the type to have friends, really at all. I'm not a mean person, just quiet and people tend not to want to hang out with me or befriend me beyond the associate level no matter how hard I try. I tried to change that when I came to college in Fall 2017 but it hasn't changed. My own roommates talk to me but don't bother with me too much really. They made friends with girls on another floor in our dorm, have a group chat that I'm not in and don't talk to me much anymore. They hang out with the other girls and lately don't even sleep in our dorm, and I'm all alone. It's not an issue that I'm alone. I just wonder why they don't like me. I've tried to make other friends but haven't been able to.

Stress from school is high. I got a full ride scholarship at one of the most prestige universities in the country and I have to keep a high gpa to keep it. I don't think my grades are going to make it. Although I try so hard. 

I'll be the first one in my immediate family to graduate college. And really I can't pinpoint anyone in my blood family who's graduated with a bachelors yet. I have a tight knit church family at home and my parents and my family (all with limited higher education if any) are so proud of the university I'm going to and my achievements. 

My mom keeps bragging all the time about how proud she will be seeing me walking across the stage graduating from the university I attend. They all bought university apparel even though I begged them not to because I dont know what my future college career entails.

Although  my life seems great and I haven't had to deal with the hardships that others have faced, I have my own internal issues. I'm an only child and a perfectionist. I like to have my whole life planned out and I don't know what I will do if I flunk out of having this scholarship at this school. Beside not being able to make friends, I really do like it here. Not only do I leave a university that I like, I might be set back a year in college. Then I disappoint my church community and my family and I show them that I really can't go to the university I attend. I show the kids who look up to me in my community that they really can't do anything they want because I couldn't. I disappoint my parents who are dreaming to see me graduate from this school and I take on a lot more student debt than getting a full ride.

I cry everyday. I feel alone and like a failure. I fear failure and disappointment so much. My heart is heavy and I'm emotionally aching all the time and the little things can cause me to break down. I'm so stressed and so worried. I feel like I'll never make it socially or academically. I can't sleep at night (it's 2:30am and I need to be up at 6:00). At first I thought it was a phase that would pass. It's been like this for at least two months. 

I think I'm depressed. I don't want to tell my family so I am considering taking 5HTP. 

Am I depressed? Anxious? Stressed? Please help.

2

I understand my problems are not big problems to some people but they are to me. I hope that someone can help me and I appreciate it a lot. 

3

Hi Sorry to read you are feeling so low about everything and that you feel more pressure to do well from your family. I'm sure your family mean well and do care but I know it can be a scary thing to think about telling them. Is there a friend or someone in your family you feel you could talk to and that they would be understanding?

I think maybe you should go to see your GP and to talk with them and also make an appointment to see your college mentor or a teacher you could talk with.

Is there a college chaplain or a church near you - I'm sure they could help you and maybe tell you about young people's groups at church you could go to and find people to make friends with . Praying your situation will get better very soon.

4

Hello

Are there any activities you can take part in. hen I was at Poly we could go sailing, running and building various modes of transport, I was an engineer

We also had other groups we could get involved in, it was fifty years ago so I cannot remember no what was available

Have words with your Tutor they may be able to help

BOB

5

Hi a01894 - sorry you are feeling this way. You seem to be people pleaser, putting yourself under all sorts of pressure to suceed not just for yourself but for all those around you. There is no space to just breathe, and it's a shame that you feel you need to succeed to be worthy. I come from a perfectionist family too, I was indoctrinated with that. It has taken me years to overcome it which was necessary because things are not perfect in this world, just the way we want it, just the way we expect them to be. Other forces beyond our control often upset the applecart and that can cause all sorts of stress - unless we realise that whatever happens is what will serve us best. The other issue is that this expectation and stress will not end when we achieve the immediate goal. There will be another expectation after that, then another, then another and so-on. Burn out or breakdown can result. Talk to your counsellor at school and describe what you are feeling. See if there is some way you can communicate to your family that their expectations are wearing you out. You are not a failure or disappointment just because you express yourself. Time to set boundaries.