is this depression?

Mental health
1

Like others on here it is hard to know where to start.

About 17 months ago the love of my life passed away.

He was my rock and my everything. 

I had had one bad marriage and now I'm going backward in my life.

I have 4 children by that first marriage but it was abusive and bad for both them and me. I made it through it all.

My father died when I was 14 and left me with a mother who suffered from altzhimers. I took care of her for 3 years before one of my brothers decided to take over. After that I was made homeless by another Brother which led me to meeting my first husband.

I have never been confident at all. I am the youngest of 9 children and always felt left out of everything.

I am not well educated 

. I was never interested in school. All I have learned Has been in the past 15 years since meeting my second husband.

I don't know how to describe myself. 

I am hopeless with money. I pay bills but anything left is gone within days.

I work in a stressful job and had to be redeployed after the death of my husband.

I have no idea of anything anymore. 

Since his death I have felt nothing for anyone. Apart from the odd day of happy feelings I am drowning in past regrets and hate for everyone. I am happy to be closed off from the entire world.

I watch TV and find myself talking to it. I cannot understand how everyone is so easily talked into being happy.

Everything is filling me with anger.

I haven't ever had what I see as depression before. I don't ever recall having anti natal depression or PMT. I got through it all. so why now he has gone can I not fuction. I've had bereavment councilling as well but it has not helped. I am finacially ruined as he left no insurance. His death was very sudden and traumatic.

What is happening to me?

I can't even talk to anyone close to me anymore because I feel like I am boring them.

I have spoken to me GP and she has given me anti depressants but I'm to scared to take them. My first husband was giving me tampazipam without me knowing so I didn't know what he was doing. Now I am terrified of medication.

I want to end but I'm to much of a coward for that. It would bring me peace but what about those I leave behind? Once again I would have let them down.

Reading this back it makes no sense. What am I doing? what can I do? when will it stop?

Thanks for your time

 

2

Newkirk

If you are feeling Suicidal it would be a good idea to call the NHS INFORMATION LINE on Tel 111 and explain you need help, they can send out a Crisis team to triage your condition

Personally you have your children so that should help you control the negativity of Suicide, or attempt.

You have had a rough time and you have losst at least two people who you thought the world of, it is not easy when this happenes, you have had Bereavement Counciling and I gathe this did not work, something like this can need various different ways to work and the CPN May not be able to approach your loss in a way that would work for you as you have more issues that need to be addressed before you move on completely.

The best way of getting over a death of someone close it to dscuss the person with people who knew them. To talk about the person warts and all puts you concerns at rest, so your Father you will have good and bad memories and that wlill help you bring about closure. The same about the other man in your life who died so soon. Again closure in mportant and if you can approach His family and dscuss His past will help you with the needed closure.

Are the Children feelng ok here, they will say nothing and still feel something of a loss that may need to be addressed

You will also need to take your medication, if you have CBT the medication can help the CPN etc get through to you as a person.

There are many Charities that deal with Death and Bereavement and that may help you break the circle of grief.

BOB

3

Hi there thanku for your kind words earlier . So uncanny how a lot of us feel. Xx my life has been filled with lots of the same but different. This bout brought on my my stepdads death in sept of cancer who was there for 28 yrs for me after losing my beautiful dad to cancer at 8. Wish there was a magic wand to make us all well. I definately have the courage to end it but wouldnt hurt my daughter in doing so. The cycle of abuse and neglect must stop with me so i have to go on the groundhog roundabout xxx i wish u all the v best. Yr fear of meds is understanderable after what yr husband did but give it some thought xxx

4

My dad died when I was 14. I was left with my mum to look after. She had early onset Altzhimers. I was abused by another family member but I made the decision to cut that part of my family out. I question after hearing so many stories is there such a thing as a perfect family. I don't think there is. There is always something tucked away. 

5

Great response!  Especially about talking with others who knew a person who passed away.  It really helped me when a l..o..n..g time friend died suddenly late last year.  I had no idea that my response would be what it was.

6

You know the hardest thing and the thing I don't understand, from my mum to my children and two husbands, the job that I do and the one I did I looked after everyone else. My children always asked mum. I was some ones wife, someones mother someones daughter, sister, I now don't even know who I am but what everyone expected or needed of me. I can't look after myself.

7

God so true xxxx

8

I wonder xxx

9

Maybe you never had time to find out who you are.

10

Hello

life gets on top on all of us, what it is our filing cabinet gets full up, that is how I describe depression.  

Everyones start is different and you would be amazed how many friends and family are suffering or have suffered from depression.

mine came about after the amount of family and friends that died in a few years and I just couldn't cope any more.  

I went to my go and we chatted and gave me some info sheets and said to come back the following week if I felt the same way.  

Yes I went back and chatted and my gp  suggested CBT And to contact IApt, which I did.

this was a good move and did the course and on this course there were people from all walks of life, ages etc.  And the common denominator we were all suffering desperation and in so many various levels, making you realise you are not alone and help is out there.  

My gp did describe me anti depressants and gradually started to feel human and I have friends and family who are suffers to and some worse off than me.  My gp caught me at an early stage.

please go to your gp and/or find more about attending a CBT course.  Talk to people or pour your heart out on here.  You are not alone but remember it takes time to slowly get better and just didn't happen overnight.