I'm miserable pretty much all of the time. If you look at my life I have nothing to be unhappy about. I'm married to a woman I love and I'm about as financially secure as anyone can hope to be at my age. But it seems my brain just isn't wired to be happy. I often binge drink to feel happy, but it never really works. I always end up drunkenly, desperately trying to contact old friends - trying to get back to a time when I was the closest I've ever been to happy, when I was at university. I feel like the best times are behind me. I'm just going through the motions. I think about death a lot. I've never really tried to kill myself, but I see it as a viable option. I worry that one day I'll feel particularly low and just kill myself without any logical thought - I worry not for myself, but for my wife, and what she'd have to deal with, finding my body. I'd like to have kids, but it doesn't seem fair to bring them into a family where their father might turn up dead one day, or where they might suffer from the same mental problems.
One of the things that makes it harder is that I went to the docter about this a few years ago, and was refered to a psychiatrist. He basically said there was nothing wrong with me, but there clearly is. The guy was a joke. When I asked for a second opinion I was told that he was the only psychiatrist in my area, so my second opinion would be from the same guy. That was maybe 3 years ago, and I've never been back to a doctor about it since.
Every day, many times a day, I think of things that make me hate yself, or make me embarrased to be alive. Every time I do, I involuntarily shout at myself. Usually something like 'I hate you', 'die', 'kill me', etc. When I'm in company I can supress it to an extent, and make it sound like I'm just clearing my throat, but it gets harder and more frequent as time goes by. I feel like a failure, and I don't have any hope of living up to the potential I might once have had. I can't make the contribution to the world that I want to make, so what's the point?
Anyone else have these problems? Is it just me? Is this depression? If this is normal then I don't understand how people live like this. Should I go back to the doctor again?
I think you should go back to the docs,and if nessicary insist on having a different phycyratist.I know it's hard to fight for something when you're feeling so down,but i hope it'll help.I'm in the process of waiting for one myself,and it's getting harder and harder to wait,but i hope it'll be worth it in the end,and I'm sure it'll be the same for you.best of luck xXx
Hi Jimble
It most definitely does sound like depression. No one should have to go through feeling this this all the time. I can't understand why your GP hasn't done anything. Have you ever tried medication? Anti depressants. To me it sounds like you need medicaiton and some counselling. Not sure if you live in the UK or not, I do, for me I found the best therapy came from paying for it, however not sure if it did wonders, I think for me the medication worked better. I have suffered with depression and anxiety since I was 18 (now 40) but still had a good quality of life, with periods of horrible darkness in between. Depression isn't just about crying and sitting around feeling sorry for yourself it's more what you describe. Just a self loathing, a feeling of not knowing who you are anymore, an inability to feel anything intenseley be it good for bad emotions, feelings of wanting to self harm or feeling you would rather not be here if this is all life has to offer, guilt etc etc. I would go back to your doctor and tell her/him you need help and fast. Why should you spend another month feeling this way? On a positive note I am a big believer in everythign can be fixed. This time last year I was spiralling out of control mentally, I didn't want to leave the house, when I did go to work etc I was on auto pilot, I was scared, I didn't want to be here, it was only the thought of my youngest growing up without a mum that stopped me from doing anything daft. Here I am a year later feeling good, feeling that contentment on a Sunday cos it's relaxing, taking pleasure in reading a good book and all the other silly little things we take for granted. Please don't despair, you can get better!
Jumble I can understand where your coming from. I ended a 10 year marriage due to being miserable. I was financially secure , nice home , nice cars , vacations all The time and it was never enough to make me happy. U r by far not alone. I ended my marriage and jumped back into 2 more relationships with in 6 years , both of which ended cause I could never find real happiness. Now being single for the 1st time in my life I have found that if I'm not happy with myself how can I expect to b happy with someone else. I do miss being financially secure and vacations all the time but I do have more happy times being alone or I should say just me and my kids than I ever had before. You need to find who u are. I was always me and someone else and now I'm just jennifer. And although being SINGLE gets a little lonely I'm happy and that's priceless. Your true friends will help carry you in your time of loneliness. I have found that friends I thought cared less about me have been My biggest supporters. And being a single parent of 2 , having good friends as been a god sent. Take you time and see who you discover. You may just be surprised.