Is this really abuse??

Mental health
1

This is going to sound ridiculous, I'm sure. But it's nagging at me for some reason and I can't think of another place to go to for advice right now.

Okay, so---as of last week I just started therapy again. Within the first session my therapist determined I was in an emotionally abusive household. Even though within that hour of time there was quite a bit I didn't say...lots more was more important I guess.

I'm supposed to have a session tomorrow, but there's a high chance that's going to get cancelled. (really unlucky for me, my hypochondria/generalized anxiety/depression are spiking again with school starting up again later this week)

My mother is...I guess emotionally volatile? She's under a lot of stress too, and I totally get that. But she handles it...differently. I've only been hit once, and the bruise of that finally went away. But she goes through periods of yelling constantly at everything and that's usually taken out on me. For stuff she never told me to do,  for her own problems, for me "not doing anything", etc etc, some of it can get really degrading and some of it has turned to death threats on more than one occasion.

My...other resident in the house (I refuse to acknowledge him for what he is by marriage) has been emotionally/verbally abusive to both my mother and myself for a while now, though for me specifically since we moved here (about 10 years now).  My father passed while I was young, and I witnessed it personally, though for some reason as of lately that particular event seems to be gnawing at me more than ever (which I find bizarre because at the time I closed off from the event really quickly).

My mother also has a habit of threatening suicide and harming herself but never does so, more of an empty threat.

...But here's the thing.

She goes through periods of being exceedingly NICE too. Says she cares. And I believe her, I guess. She claims support,and is just really calm in general. Making jokes, listening to me, stuff like that. Though this can change within the day or within the week.

I'm underage, so I can't really go anywhere, but it's gotten to the point where I'm constantly afraid someone poisoned my food or water or something, and I have no urge to do anything at all. Not even basic bodily functions I guess. I'm always tired and always afraid. I feel guilty all the time for things that either I didn't do or don't involve me. But I have ties with the only living parent I have left (and the rest of the family I either don't know or is in the process of dying via cancer which I'm TERRIFIED of and am always convinced I have) so I don't want to break ties...

Is this what abuse feels like? I don't know and I really don't know what to do to get through this...

2

I am really sorry to read how much you are hurting. I know exactly how hard it is to except that your mother, who probably tells you how much she loves you and how much she has sacrificed for you. I am also aware of the time of day you posted this. You are showing immense courage and love for your mum because she is your mum and you love her dearly. I have some bad news your mum is hurting and probably not well herself. But this is no excuse for the abuse she is giving you. Your post shows very clearly that you love your mum far more than you love yourself. That shows such strength. I am unsure if I could be that strong. However the type of love your mum needs is tough love and you need to protect yourself. You are a brave person, the fact you are in therapy shows this. And you are legally still a child? That's awesome. Did your therapist suggest anything to do about this situation? If they did then it's probably a way you can live your mum in a tough way. Learning to love yourself as much as you clearly love your mum will be hard and probably painful. You know how painful love can be but you have already shown how courageous you are. Always remember how amazingly strong and awesome you truely are. Your courage is a inspiration to everyone. Good luck awesome one.

3

It's hard to realize, when you've known nothing else, that you are in an abusive situation. What is obvious to others, is not obvious to you. You explain it away. To think the person who should love you most would be "abusers ve". Is hard to think! There is so much stigma around that word! People who love you the most are the peopl who will often hurt you the most...it is in that trust of a person who has shown love in the past and continued to endure pain dished out to them. The stage of an abusive relationship!! The cast of characters may include the parent who got the same treatment from another who got similar....or the case of well I'm not going to be like so and 

4

So, etc. Truth is we all deal sometimes with our present situation which has been created by past relationships. It sounds to me like your mother, is allowing herself to be abused by her partner and the stress of that situation gets rebounded on you...she wants to be caring, you know she loves you in her own way, that has been proven to you. 

Would it be possible to get Mom and o go to some counseling? Suggest you know there has to be some issues she needs to deal with in order for your relationship to be a relationship, not lacking in love, but in trust of how you react to each other? That you seek her approval and want to make your relationship better? 

I am 57 yrs old. It took me until my mother passed in 2010 and a few years after that to realize as much as mother loved me, she was controlling and abusive. After I was on my own, I stayed in contact with her all of the time. She was still manipulating my life to a degree up til she died! I wanted so much ch to please hr but she don't always agree with her...always felt like at any minute she would take her love away if I didn't do things her way. 

Stick up for yourself... Forget the word abuse... Shoot for healthy relationship...respect yourself as an individual and see your mom for the individual she is. 

She could be truly mentally ill and needs help as well, for that. Bipolar disorder comes to mind, as well asdiss

5

as days dissociative identity disorder possibly. 

Im not a conselor or expert by any means. But I am a person with a history and wishes of knowing then what  I know now. But I can't change the past. F you and mom can work on this, you will both be happier, your paranoia and anxiety will lessen as you develop some trust.

i suggest, in short, be bold tell her you need to work on these things together. She may refuse, esp at first. Seek a counselor to help guide you through how to approach this with her. With that counselor, develop back up plans. 

I live in the US, not sure where you are, but in a marriage I needed the courage to help ending, the Center for Prevention of Abuse was a great help! Free counseling. 

So wish I could give you a hug and offer more advice. 

Best wishes and prayers for you.

6

I would 100% agree with Janet everyone in this thread needs healing myself included. I am slowly coming to accept that not only my mum but probably but hopefully not most of the rest of my family needs healing. I know most of them will probably not have the courage required to even admit that they need therapy. There is absolutely no blame involved. It does not make sense to blame someone who is doing their best to help themselves. But I could be wrong I know most people don't think this way.

The fact that is clear in my situation and the situation that the brave and quite frankly awesome person who started this thread, sorry your name is too long for my dyslexia to cope with, is lack of knowledge of how to love someone. It has taken me a long time to learn how to love myself and others. I not perfect at it but I try. You can never blame someone for lack of knowledge. Please keep yourselves safe you are all amazing💝

7

We all assume that love is innate, instinct. The feeling you have for your babies when they are born and as they grow is instinct but not true love. Love disciplines, respects and honors.Reall love allows differences of opinions, looks and personalities to be what the individual is innately meant to be. It supports one another and self. Not many people have been born to people who know even half of that! Learning to love yourself comes first & is often the most difficult to do. In all, learning to love self and others with pure love can be a lifelong journey. A destination never reached. 

Some make it further down that road than others, though, and I think loving yourself, truly, is the place to start..do unto others as you would have them do to you...a good rule, but you've got to know first what you would have them do to you....

 

8

I gather from the Depression site you are still young and are in a abusive relationship at home. Discuss your concerns with your GP.

Your Mother seems to have a mental health problem, if this is the case she needs to talk to Her GP and discuss what is causing the problem.

There are Organisations that deal with child abuse, discuss with them the problems you are suffering, lists can be found on the web where you can get support and help

9

Hi Mcncheri

I hope you are still ok. Did you do what your therapist suggested just hope you are ok and please remember everything that has been said on here.