It's all b*ll*cks

Mental health
1

It's all b*ll*cks, it really is. All I do all day is ride the bus a few times. I have nowhere to get to, it just passes the time, because I have absolutely nothing going on in my life. Nothing interests me in life at all, whatsoever. Frankly, I think life, in this reality, is a great bog con, where everyone pretends that everything is okay, when it really isn't. You just need to look at a newspaper to realise how messed up this world is.

I don't know, while I was riding the bus, I was thinking suicidal thoughts, hoping that somehow my life would come to an end, because I don't see things changing, improving, or getting better, as I'm way too stubborn for that to happen. Things haven't reallly shifted in 42 years, so why should they suddenly shift in a discernable way? I don't get that, it's like you're told things are definitely going to get better. Which is based on what? What evidence is there that things are going to get better? No guarantees at all, you've just got to hope that things will somehow improve, but hope is another con, as this life is. It's a con because whatever you try isn't worth the effort you've got to put in. The rewards aren't worth the effort that you have to put in, and pleasures are so fleeting and transitory.

I've had it up to here with this life. And I've had it up to here with trying to be positive or trying to put on a brave face, when the truth is that life totally sucks, and that I wish all of this would come crashing to a halt. And I wish everyone would stop deluding themselves by saying that everything is fine when it really, really isn't.

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Hi philAK

As someone who has had all the same thoughts as you, all negative, you are the only person who are in control of them. Have you tried counselling?? Are you on any medication?? I don't know your circumstances but I believe you should be talking to your G.P. This will never be a perfect world for all of us but please approach your G.P or even the samaritans.

Talking to people on this site has helped me realise people are not alone in their thoughts all of which are different for very different reasons.

Please seek help.

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Hi philAK

As someone you has had all the negative thoughts you have just posted and attempted suicide on more than one occassion please talk to your G.P or even The Samaritans.

I don't know your circumstances we have all had something in our lives that has triggered our depression. I don't know if you're on any medication but "fine!" is not o.k. in fact it really means "Feeling insecure, neurotic and emotional" so if anyone says they're "FINE" they have problems too.

Please talk to someone.

Sandie

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Won't bother to fill you with some crappy pseudo positive advice.

You know what? Life can be pretty sh*tty.

Mine is.

Yours seems to be.

But others, those fortunate souls, theirs is good, I'm sure you, like I, would take "ok" right now; "liveable".

Life is a constant stream of ups, downs, crap and fortune.

You're on the negative side right now so I'm not going to dismiss your pain and tell you everything will be ok.

It might not.

But also, it might get better.

It does for others so why not us?

I'm holding on for another day, I'm holding out hope for a better future.

I hope you do the same my love.

All my best and please, keep on striving.

Good luck to you my sweet xxxx

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Hi PhilAK or could I call you Mr Scrouge, every thing is terrible in the world today and its not going to change in your or my lifetime. Yes life throws you a curved stick sometimes. Again its life as we know it. Today life is what we make it ourselves. We cannot fight the system it is there to fight us all the way.

No one is going to make you a coach out of a pumpkin or send you to the ball. Is there anything at all you like to do ie Now or Before you felt the way you do today?

You are at a plateau in your life not going forward and thinking in the past. Remember this "Yesterday has happened and you cannot change that, today happens in the here and now, however tomorrow you do not have a clue what is going to happen. So if your situation is so dire that you can see no future, I say sit down now and write down what you want to do or what you would have liked to do before this nasty part of your life happened." Set yourself a goal to do in a time frame of about 2-3 weeks time and and start out slowly, don't jump in and go for it take your time. Plan it in stages one thing at a time and once you have reached that goal look back at how unmotivated you were before you set out on your first step to recovery. Reaching a small goat will increase your self esteem and self worth, which is very much lacking at this present time.

Open your browser and type in SMART goals it will show you how to develope these into attainable outcomes.

Most people read a daily news paper. Each paper has its political bias and give the reader a total load of crap! You look, you believe and most of the time it is bad press/news that makes you spiral down deeper in to that hole that you find yourself in.

I will not keep any thing back. I will call a spade a spade and speek what I think is the right course of action. I would say to each individual the same thing but put in a different way to suit the situation.

Learn to do it your way Example: You are walking down a street and there is a gale blowing so much that you cannot move forward. Across the road is an opening with a covered walkway. What you need to do is think of a way of getting to that covered walkway, then and only then you will be able to walk up the hill and reach where you want to be.

At the start of this thread I mentioned Mr Scrouge. What I meant is look at the story of Mr Scrouge and at the end of the tunnel there was a way to change the way you feel, function and behave. Remember it is going to be very hard and tough to get back to a place that you feel happy living with, but my friend You and only you can do that, we can only support you. You have to do the hard work.

If you are considering ending it! just look at the 5 step self help website " Living Life To The Full" and if you are really at your wits end there is an emergency button where there is someone similar to the Samaritans to talk to you. Good luck. I hope I didn't bore the pants off you. 

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Sorry, It was a typing error I ment to say GOAL not GOAT. Hope you saw the funny side.

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Hi  we all know the world is crap but that's the way it is and it is much too big for any of to tackle.  All you can ever be responsible for is your own little corner of it.  You have to make it the way you want it to be and the only way to do this is to be open to change.

Nothing will happen if you can't change anything in your life will it?   Why don't you start off with the obvious one - stop being so stubborn?   Why not try it?  After all what have you got to lose?   You can only gain can't you? x

 

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I agree Phil life totally sucks, there does not seem much point to anything we do on a daily basis, and the world around us is not only filled with bad news and darkness, the things you are feeling remind me so much of what I experience every single day, sometimes through the day. I am so weary of this life and wish for it to end, I for one will not tell you cheerily it's going to be okay, because I do not know for myself that it is. I have begun to feel so lost inthis world, I don't know how much more I can take.So believe me I do understand and I don't have any answers, but I hope what I've shared tells you that you are not alone. Karen

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hi philAK  bit of a late reply but i know where your comming from im 42 m and the world is a sh*tty place for me too i wish my anxeity would let me ride a bus i cant even do that i also feel fel like the worlds a sh*tty place all my thoughs are negative ive nothing ive lost everything over the years that was once me family friends ive no one i post on here a couple of times think kmore to get some positive feed back it helps small things do for a time anyway im seeking councilling and on steady meds that i dont feel the benifit of my depression is probs at its lowest and i hoping it doesnt get any worse anyway always people who can relate to whats going on we all here to listen and throw our thoughts your way to anymone who listens if it helps than great if it doesnt well we will all keep on this fight we are on always here to talk anytime

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Great stuff

Beautifully balanced level headed reply. I share my namesakes sentiments and get a bit peeved with the 'if only you breath right and do your cbt and mindfulness 'stuff'' you'll be ok. Don't get me wrong it all has its value but essentially it's saying you can learn to cope. In Phil and my words accepting and living with the b**l**ks

I'm ashamed to say it but when people say it's only anxiety or panic not a heart attack I most times wish it was! Sorry all you positive types but I am 62 and have a lifetime of 'trying'

Best wishes all

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Hi philAK

I agree with everything that you said, but I would like to ask you a couple of questions.  I don't suppose you will reply, and that's okay.

The first is ... do you have any family?

The second is... if you have so much time on your hands to ride the buses...why don't you do some charity work of some sort?

The world and life here stinks, there is so much cruelty and ugliness, that is reality.  To stay sane and "normal" you need to adopt the cbt and mindfulness methods, which just teach you to not look at the things which hurt, to turn your thoughts away from anything upsetting.  I can't do that and I presume you can't do that.

So, I try to make my time here useful (when I feel well enough to do that), I love animals, so I try to help relieve some of the suffering they have to endure at the hands of humans.  I try to be kind to people and smile at people I meet.

I guess this will all sound too much like the stuff you don't want to hear so I apologise, I just had to say my piece!!

Hope you find peace.

Pat.

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You can write, man. I mean, the way you write is similar to the way you speak, I'm guessing. That's a little like me; I love writing. The thing with you riding the bus makes you sound like a creative, too. I like doing stuff like that as well, the constant movement creates an impression of progress for me. It's more stimulating than just sitting in your room and thinking. It's distracting.

So do you have any hobbies? Because if now, writing could be something for you to try. If you feel like you don't have anything to write about, write about the way you feel.

Have you seen your GP? Sounds like you've felt like this for a long time. Do you take medication? I'm on SSRIs at the minute and they genuinely help if you stick with them.

I know there isn't any advice that helps, or it seems like there isn't. Exercise helps, writing helps, being around friends helps. But you've gotta see your doctor, man. It's what they're there for. See different doctors if others aren't working for you. You'll find the right one eventually.

Drop me a PM if you want, man. I'd be happy to chat more with you about everything.

All the best,

H.

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It's still all a load of balls. It's just that I don't see how things are ever going to change - which is a familiar refrain. In response to some of the comments here, yes, I am on anti-depressents, and I tried counselling for two years, but that didn't help. If I'm honest, it has been worse than this, but it's still all a load of big hairy stinking balls.

I don't really know what else to say, but I suppose the depressing thing is that I can't get motivated to do anything. There is nothing in life that I really enjoy, and everything is a bit of a chore really. My care co-ordinator suggests I go to a museum. But I don't want to go to a museum, as I'll just be depressed and alone at a museum. And, yes, I've called the Samaritans before. And sometimes it helps just to vent. But other times it's like "Ooh, the circumstances are never going to change. It's going to remain the same big, fat, steaming hairy balls for the forseeable future. And that kind of depresses me.

 

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philAK , your negative symptoms and hate of treatments, when is that negative state going to end? Many people have the unfortunate illness endogenous depression that is from with in and not triggered by events that when dealt with the depression lifts and fades away.

So sometimes one must keep their depression for life but deal with it in their own way. There are always alternatives. Develope a stratergy, rather than getting up in the morning and looking at the day and saying " Oh s**t another F*****G day of feeling like I ALWAYS do.

Change something, just one thing in your routine that makes you feel the way you do, because matey only you can do that. No tablet, counsellor or psychiatist can do that for you. Being a negative depressive can last a lifetime, but you can work with it. You might have to. Before thinking of the worst case senario, just think about the other people in your life you would hurt. Family, friends, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, even the man from the paper shop or the bus driver.

Some time in your life you felt good about yourself, you had self-worth, high self-esteem and looked on the world as a great challenging place. Ask yourself what he hell happened to me? Don't forget I have been there and scraped myself out of the gutter, lived with my illness and not blamed anyone else for it. Don't blame the system, the world or other people and don't blame yourself. Life throws us a curved ball sometimes. Regards Pete  

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My life is balls too.

And I don't want to go to a museum, or yoga, or a dance class.

Odd these suggestions they give you to cope aren't they?

Like yeah, I don't want to leave my bed but sign me up for tap dancing!

I totally get you (I think!).

Life can be so truly rubbish.

I'm not gonna tell you to imagine yourself on some tranquil beach or anything.. But is there anything at all, however small, you find joy in?

If that's watching tv or cooking or anything supposedly mundane, is there anything?

I know there's sometimes nothing.

But even just a little something can bring a little relief.

I just hope you've got someone or something that can lessen the load for you.

Thinking of you my lovely, take care xxx

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Hi Peter I too have had depression all my life from my childhood years so I connect with what you are saying.  Fortunately most of it has been fairly mild so have always managed to go to work even though it has been a huge struggle.

I had a breakdown at 19 in London and remember being on the phone to my mother who not only didn't understand but who shouted and yelled at me and made me feel 10 times worse.   I knew then that I was on my own in life and my family couldn't or wouldn't help.  That's a very hard lesson to learn so young and it has shaped my character.

I reached a crisis point in my late 20's when I faced a stark choice - I could end my life yes or I could give myself a chance of living my life.  I have never expected happiness but was just looking for a way to survive.  I had nothing left to lose,  after all if it didn't work out the other option was still available and still is. 

I started watching other people and what they did and copied them.  I learned to take myself less seriously and to make friends and all the other stuff I had missed out on in life.   Things I had never learnt at home and should have,  I learned from others.  I kept an open mind. 

Making small changes lead to other changes like a domino effect.   I don't blame others for my problems or expect too much out of life.   I recognise doctors and counsellors try to help and sometimes they do but other times they don't - that's just life.   No point being bitter is there?

Like you I take full responsibility for my own life and feelings and that's a strong positive - I don't do negativity.   Mostly I am glad I took the first option coz I would have missed a lot of interesting times.   Bev x

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Well done you hypercat. This a short one. What else can I say. Peter.

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Thank you Peter.   Well done to you as well love.   Bev xx