It's getting worse, I hope it doesn't.

Mental health
1

I first suffered depression 8 years ago when I was involved in a legal battle, against my employer (that I eventually won), but it took its toll, and I fell into depression, felt helpless, hopeless and afraid of when it got dark in the evening. I had no motivation to do anything when I was once motivated to take on the world.

3 years ago ages 46 I began to suffer from SAD which would last the usual winter months. I have no idea why it came on as all was going well in my life.

This December it came back with a vengeance and my SAD was worse than ever and went into February when I had family issues that dragged out my depression a little longer, I don't know if it was SAD of did it slip into some other form of depression.

I felt I was coming out of it, then my relationship with my now ex, came to an abrupt end. She suffered borderline personality disorder (that I didn't realise at the time) and it was a very very intense, emotionally charged relationships and I was constantly battling her mood swings and treading on egg shells.

And now I just sit there crying for no aparant reason, a broken man.

I have a high profile job which includes meeting lots of people, lots of parties and social events, and I'm having to put on my mask each time, when I go out.

The stigmas of depression still exist and the few people that know I have it say to me 'oh cheer up' and I want to shout and swear at them for them to even think it's as easy as thaf to cheer up.

Others say 'there's no way you hand depression, look at what a great life you have'. And they don't engage me to offer support as they think I'm making it up.

I feel lost and alone and miss my ex and hate the darkness, therapy has never worked and I'm now back on my meds from yesterday. I think my condition is getting worse.

I wish someone could take away the darkness, I wish I had people in my life that offered me support in relation to my depression and accept I have it, rather than think I'd make up such a thing.

2

Manyo

You can purchase a SAD LAMP at many chemists or health shops, sometimes they can be attached to a radio and the lamp is set up to come on before you start your day. These lamps can and do change mood in Winter months and if you take various vits they can build up sunshines good bits. 

Take advise from a chemist for the vits, I think one is B12 and 17, you will need to check this, they may also sell the Lamps, I would think you could try Boots or Lloyds for the lamps, they had them for sale in ALDI last winter

You are also going through a rough time with the loss of a partner, If you have known eachother for a long time lonelyness can set in, you could ask your GP for medications, although consider if taking these medications may affect you High Powered Job. A course of CBT may help you so you can talk out your loss.

You can always come back on here if needed

BOB

3

Hi Manyo, it's definitely difficult to put on a brave face especially when you are suffering in your mind. I know and have gone through the same and still battle it everyday. I can assure you that there is treatment for it and you should seek it. What's happening or happened in your life is difficult so you need that help and no you are not fine and no you can't just cheer up, it's a serious issue. Go to a specialist, get it treated and soon you'll see you'll be able to cope better with things. It's a journey for all of us and yours will certainly be different from mine but if it makes you feel any better....there is help, get it and get better. A depressed life is no life at all as you can't enjoy the good things that life can offer. Be strong, exercise, do the things you used to love but don't anymore because in the end these are the things that will get you out of your depression...it's not going to happen overnight but it will happen eventually! My thoughts are with you.

4

Hi Manyo - I bet there are many here that can relate to what you have posted. The stigma of depression certainly does exist, and there is nothing worse that the sufferer being told to 'get over it' or to cheer up. We can also be our worst enemy when we put on that mask and play up to the world as we hide the pain beneath.

First of all, you need to give the meds time to work. When you are feeling a bit better and more motivated, I would suggest that you try the thaerpist/psychologist and/or counselling avenue again. It is in the interest of your health and well being that you dig out what is causing these episodes - aside from the trauma of court and of the split with your partner.

By the way, congratulations on your win against your employer. I have been there and lost. It is a very traumatic and confronting path - especially when they have no scruples and will stoop to the lowest level to beat you. It's nice to see some suceed.