idk where to start and it may end up seeming as if im rambling on but im desperate... ive tried therapy talking to friends, parents, life style changes etc... ill start off by saying ive been diagnosed in the past to have anxiety, panic disorder, depression and dyslexia i was also bylemic and anorexic... ive also had 5+ cocussions and i have been a but of an alcoholic since i was 14.ive had a life tgat most people would want. ive grew up in good neighborhoods, average class homes and have been in social activity groups such as sports teams and multiple bagpipe bands but i had very little friends all my life. ive pretty much been an outcast (my nick name in school was school shooter). ive never been in any real relation ships and i recently lost my only friends by moving half way across the country which i was excited for but now regret. since ive moved ive had a knife to someones throat (in self defence which was dealed with apropriatly with the cops) and seen my family in multuple fights. but basically ive been depressed my whole life but the past few years have been getting worse... ive lost all interests in all my hobbies, hate the world, i am not nice to my family, have 0 motivation for anything, been drinking more, and have been thinking of killing my self every night and how i believe it could make things better. i have no feeling whatsoever unless if it is a negitive feeling. i do not remember the last time ive felt joy or happines. i iether feal neutral, stressed or just sad and shitty. ive develiped some anger issues over the last little bit to. i yell at my mom and my dad, call people out, feal like breaking someones neck for crossing me ans i throw and break things and it could be over the littlest thing. for an example ive miss spelled things multiple times as i was writing this and now i feel like putting my fist through a wall. idk what is causing this, how to stop it or whatever. i use to be passionate about things and know what i wanted to do but now all hope and motivation is gone and id rather be homeless then have a normal career and id rather shoot my self than be homeless i am only 18 as well by the way... idk everything is just awfull or neutral, even with my alcholism... i downed a mickey earlier and i did not even feel it. i havent tried any other drugs by the way.... just weed and i od'd on alergy medication by mistake and was virtualy paralised and no one would bring me to the er. and ive had some bad yet humbling experiences with weed where ive felt as if i died or ended up tripping snd feeling as if i was in a 2d world which even lasted a week. id like to get a license to smoke it though and get high cbd strains but yea idk... im desperate feel as if i might end my life soon, have no doctors around me, want to move back to where i came from etc etc my life is a mess and i cant sort it out or conprehend anything in it including my future id rather be dead then misserable working a job similar to my dads and id rather die soon then continue experiencing this life im living nownothing feels real or important constantly feel as if im in a dream please any info or advice would be great...
Hey Travis,
I can relate to your story. It’s a good thing to talk about it and don’t keep everything for yourself. Are you addicted to alcohol/weed? If not I would recommend to stay away from those stuff for now or put it to a limit. I’ve smoked a lot of weed before everything really went down for me. Everything what does something I’ll stay away from, because I want to be as clear as possible. Stuff like this makes me anxious, which is the opposite what is supposed to be, but I’m fully sure when you’re having a downfall like this it’s best to come to yourself.
Do you have therapy and meds? In your situation I really recommend to see a proffesional and talk to that person about your problems. It may take some time to trust that person and be comfortable around him or her, but its worth it when you have so much going on in your mind.
I lost my school, job and friends as well. It really sucks, but don’t try to look in the past and further too much. I do never had a relationship although I had my chances but I never took them.
If you like to talk about it more to someone which has sort of the same situation as you do then you can send me a pm. I do like it as well to talk about it to someone which has some sort of the same situation. We may can learn from each other.
Take care man
Hi Travis - sorry to read you are suffering like this. Alcohol is a depressant and will not fix anything, but certainly will make things worse. Weed is a psycho-active drug that can result in psychiatric problems. The brain is constantly revising itself as we age and move through different experiences in life, but fundamental development ceases at around 21 yrs. The use of alcohol and drugs through the teens can result in psychiatric complications that are contemporary but that may also emerge later on in life. Self medicating is a common pursuit in our societies and are often the go-to for people struggling with mental health issues who yearn to escape, who may not realise they are ill, or who refuse to accept there are issues due to the stigma associated with mental illness by those who are ignorant and/or fearful of an illness that cannot be seen and that they don’t understand. The sense of hopelessness, rage and outrage is a condition of such illnesses.
I am a survivor of a mental health illness life long and spent decades self medicating. I was functional with many friends, a social life, worked in the public eye, used humour to “fit in” and have been deemed “intelligent.” No-one knew of the struggle within, even in the darkest moments. I drank like a fish and smoked weed for 30 years to “cope” (I really wasn’t coping at all). Eventually it all became too much and the world and image I had struggled to maintain collapsed like a cheap tent. Suddenly I was the “school shooter,” the one there was something horribly “wrong” with, a person to be avoided. To save my life this is what i did:
I searched for a GP - hadn’t seen one since I was a kid. I explained my situation ( you can write things down if that is easier) and requested a referral to a psychiatrist and psychologist. The psychiatrist prescribed anti-depressants. It took several types before I found one that worked for me. Meds take 3-6 weeks to fully work and sometimes there may be tweaking required to the dosage. Multiple meds may be required. It’s important to stick to the regime and not suddenly stop taking them as this can lead to an uncontrolled spiral downward. Meds work on the serotonin in the brain lifting the mood. They are tool best used in conjunction with a psychologist/counsellor/ therapist who will provide a safe place for you to explore any issues that are exacerbating your condition. Psychotherapy is a challenging process and the answers will not appear overnight, neither will any therapist “give” you answers. We find those ourselves. It takes time, is difficult, can be confronting, but you will learn about yourself, learn to recognise any triggers and learn skills to cope with them. The benefits to your life, self-understanding and your future will be invaluable. You are fortunate to live in an age where there is more awareness of the importance of mental health and agencies available to help you through. If you are uncomfortable with any doctor (after you get to know them), find another one. The situation should not be threatening.
I believe we have a duty to try absolutely every avenue available before we make the final and irretrievable step of opting out. It may deemed “escaping” but is it really? Who can definitively answer that question? What if it’s not? The computer age means the information and the road home can be just a key stroke away. Give it a go - it’ll be difficult to begin with but the real things in life, the things that matter, are never easy. First - find that doc. Second - be honest with them. Do it for you and ignore anyone who tries to dissuade you.