Hello. I’m 20 years old and my relationship has been 5 months. This is my first serious relationship. Before I only had 2 boyfriends that lasted 2 weeks. Both ended because I had doubts over them and knew I didn’t want to be with them anymore. I know it’s not a desired time but please bare with me. My situation has really taken me over and I can’t stand it anymore.
Well to start off I met my boyfriend through a friend, he was so sweet and cute and I was just so taken by him. We started to get to know each other and hung out everyday, it was so much fun! But I was having anxiety over useless things that weren’t even true. The anxiety was holding me back from being romantically involved. So that fear had me hold back from actually enjoying myself, but I started to get butterflies and excitement for this new friend of mine(my boyfriend) and had no strong worries except the useless fear in the back of my head. Then I had a thought questioning if I really liked this him because if I did I wouldn’t be letting this fear hold me back. I didn’t know how to respond so I assumed I didn’t really like him. So I stopped talking to him and soon enough felt awful and missed him so much. I came back and I was ready to start a relationship and didn’t want anything to hold me back. The beginning was really nice and fun. I was still a little shook from the time when I questioned if I liked him. But I knew I did so I was enjoying the ride. Then a month in, it got bad. Thoughts started raiding in saying I was doing this out of pity because of the week I ignored him. Because he liked me, so that’s why I’m doing this. or that I didn’t like him, or anything. When I would have these thoughts I would have a breakdown. They’d repeat over and over and I cried out to my boyfriend telling him everything. He would hold me closely and say it’s okay they’re not true it’ll be okay. I would cry to him apologizing for being the way I am. I felt so guilty.
I felt guilty because people I’ve liked before my doubts were not this strong. Maybe because I didn’t ever get into relationships with them.
So then after the first month the next 3 months have become a hell for me. I could not let those thoughts rest. Everyday it was a question of “do you really like him? Are you here because of guilt? you are forcing yourself to love him! You’re lying to yourself!! And then towards the end of April a thought was constantly yelling “YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM!!” For a whole entire week. I kept crying and crying and freaking out. I didn’t want these thoughts to be real or true but then I think by me hoping they’re not true means they are and I’m in denial and that has me break down too. So I cried to him and told him I’m so sorry but we have to break up. He was hurt. It hurt badly to see him hurt. My heart felt on fire and I felt attacked inside by my own self. He asked why and I told him the truth that I keep having doubts and you deserve someone better than me because I can’t control these thoughts, that he deserves someone who never has one doubt. He didn’t understand and just hugged me and said that he wants me. And I cried so hard because I didn’t want to leave him, but it felt it was the only answer for my thoughts to stop. Sadly it wasn’t.
The month during April 20th to May 18th I kept having panic attacks because the thoughts hadn’t stopped. I missed my boyfriend so much and I didn’t want to except what I had done. Everyday was getting harder for me because I hurt so much. I was too scared to call him or talk to him because I knew I hadn’t gotten better and I didn’t want to torture him anymore. But I missed him so much and my heart was hurting thinking of a future without him. I ended up reaching out to him again and he is trying his best to help me and understand me but the thing is I don’t even understand myself. The past week was going so well I was so happy to be back with him and while I was happy I knew I love him. But I have moments where the thoughts come back and I try to ignore them and let them pass but they’re so loud and intrusive and frequent it’s hard to. I don’t want to end things again. It hurts to think about that. And recently he got in a crash and a loved one had passed away. I’ve been there to console him and I feel so wrong and guilty for having these thoughts fly through my head. I don’t want them to anymore. I’m sick of it but they won’t stop. I just want to be happy in my own choices without questioning myself. I want to be happy with him like how I used to be before I let this carry on. Please anyone with advice please help me.