Following on from my previous posting of visions etc attended my appointment with psychiatrist who asked how I'd been getting on after the end of my IPT. Tried to explain about intrusive visions, feeling numb, suicidal self harming, taking risks of drinking mixing with drugs to escape my head etc etc, she said bit up and down then. Keep following the plan, would not consider trauma councilling yet. Keep on taking diazepam when needed see you in 3 months. If in a crisis ring the Samaritans as that is what they are there for. Stood up opened the door that was it. I am still struggling at home and work over the past few days going to the loos to cry, hurt myself take diazepam to calm down. tried the talking to the trusted people at work to explain but find it hard and feel so stupid, useless and worhtless cos I;m not coping. Even had a customer telling me how useless I was today even though i had dealt with his enquiry. Wow made me feel 10 times better NOT. Out walking last night late by the canal, made the effort washed up over a weeks dishes this evening, even washed my hair that I hadn't done for over a week (dirty cow) can't face having a shower(even more a dirty cow). Just feel as if I am being a nusiance to everyone, don't want to burden people with my thoughts and feelings. Been speaking to the Samaritans quite a few times not sleeping well eating rubbish feel numb, empty really fed up. Debating ringing my cpn who I have been discharged from just to talk to get it out as she understands me but is that being a pain cos I;ve been discharged from her but not the CMHT. Or do I go to the GP just to talk things through. Sorry what a long post but I need to get rid of this hopelessness, as I seem to be getting lower and lower again and just want to give up. AGAIN!!!!!
Hi Tina - sorry to read of your situation and I can empathise. The first thing to do is to get another doctor. It sounds like the one you have seen is rather insensitive and has dismissed your very real concerns. When you do get another doc, tell them how you were treated and how it didn't help. Be open and honest when discussing your situation and how you think you got there. A proper course of anti-depressants may be required to help even out your mood. This will take time (2-6 weeks) as your body adjusts. You should also ask for areffereal to a therapist/counsellor or psychologist to dig out reasons for why you are suffering in this way. You will learn what triggers there are and skills to cope with any situations.
Gradually you will feel better, and washing hair/showering will not be a chore, and your eating patterns will improve as you begin to feel better about yourself. The Samaritans might be on call but they will not solve the problems for you. You have to take affirmative action, and treat things one day at a time. Giving up is not an option until all avenues have been explored, and you owe that to yourself. You can always come here to spill things. We are all here for the same reasons. Don't fret - things will get better. Best of luck to you - and make that appointment!
Hi Wayne
Thanks for your reply, I've been on 3 different anti depressants quite a while ago for over a year I felt and acted the same so it was decided to cease them. I have just finished a 16 week Interpersonal therapy course with a lovely psychiatrist where i was very frank and open told her things i had never told anyone and not likely again. I have a plan to follow which is suppose to help my mood etc improve overtime. I was referred back to this other person until they think it is the right time to see a psychologist for the trauma therapy as too much in one go is too difficult to cope with. i can see where they are coming from on that one. I did end up ringing the CMHT and spoke to the cpn who i had completed another course with before. I can speak freely with her and her with me we;ve both got the same sense of humour. she was going to talk to the psychiatrist. Not sure what happens next. Triggers ca nbe anything walking down the road, waking up, eating too much not enough, anything really. life is rubbish. Weather is going to be stormy tomorrow so might go out and get soaked and blow the cobwebs away. Just mustn't go near the sea.....as stormy seas are so tempting.
You take care thanks again
Tina
Hi Tina,
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really important to understand that this is not your fault. The way you feel is the a result of a chemical situation in your body and in your brain.
Are you on any other medications besides diazapam? Has your doctor done any blood work on you to check for things like iron levels, vitamins, etc? Are you taking any supplements? Are you on birth control? Allergy medication? Blood pressure medication?
It can be very VERY hard to take care of yourself when you feel this way. Every step you make to help youself is an accomplishment you should feel proud of.
Do you have an appetite? The most important thing for you to do to help yourself is to eat. The better you eat, the better you will feel. It seems too simple really. I mean, when you feel very very bad, and have horrible thoughts popping into your head, it's hard to believe a good meal can make a difference. But think about it. Happiness comes from chemicals like the one called serotonin. Serotonin is something your body makes, but it can't make it without the ingredients. The body needs iron, B6, B3 and protein to make serotonin. If you are missing just one of these ingredients, you can't make happiness. So if you can only accomplish one thing, let it be that you eat. Eat protein, and foods with iron and b-vitamins, which are mostly meat, dairy and eggs.
And avoid alcohol. Don't drink any alcohol at all. Alcohol steals away b-vitamins which you need to make stuff for your brain to function properly.
Most of the medications we have to help with depression and anxiety work by helping brain chemicals last longer. But we still have to make the brain chemicals ourselves. If we don't feed ourselves the ingredients needed to make the brain chemicals, the medications won't work.
If you feel like you can't eat, you should definitely get help. Otherwise you may spiral down further. Get blood work done to find out if you have any vitamin deficiencies which could be causing some of your symptoms. It seems to simple, like a doctor surely would have checked if it was that easy. But unfortunately, many do not check. They assume you're eating well, and therefore not deficient. But alcohol alone can make you deficient. So get checked. And eat well. Take a vitamin. Even if that is the ONLY thing you accomplish daily.
Showering, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, it can all be skipped.
Hi Amy yamy
Thank you for your comments and suggetiions just got to get the enthusiam from somewhere.....
Where do i start, not on any other medication apart from diazepam to try and calm me down when i'm flying off the handle, or feeling ready just to run and escape from life, bloods I think were done when admitted into hospital last year nothing else was said about them. Food well that;s another problem can't be bothered a lot of the time to cook proper meals being a fussy eater too, wander round the supermarket get completely lost, despondant because I just can;t be bothered to decide what to eat cook etc, quite often leave in tears so I buy quick and easy stuff and think that;s a good idea but then can't be bothered to cook it, end up throwing it away as it goes out of date or freeze it then throw it away cos can't be bothered to face it. So end up eating rubbish a lot of beans and cheese on toast, sndwiches Did cook a meal this evening but then still eat rubbish afterwards,I wish i was one of the people that didn;t want to eat have even thought about purging after overeating cos i hate myself after eating but just can;t do it, Do eat the odd piece of fruit, yoghurts drink plenty of water but wine too. which yes I know is not good but it just helps numb things even more take diazepam then sleep for a while again to escape. Quite a sad pathetic useless case really. I know what is suppose to be done but just can;t be bothered the downward spiral I still haven't reached to bottom yet, well i have before, the powers to be do know I drink and do not eat a proper balanced diet but no suggestions on that one but try. Got stuff to make a beef stew in the slow cooker tomorrow lets just hope I feel like it by then.
did have mad spell and hoovered, picked up the rubbish off the floor after my 7 yr old grandson came round and picked stuff up and put it in the bin which I felt ashamed off. I quite often sit outside the house not wanting to go in not even sure if i want to live here anymore, just dread life really.................tired of trying, sorry for being so maudlin. Just so fed up of keep trying
Sorry you all seem to be getting my moans and woes this evening the whole week has been rubbish, just want to go to sleep again and not wake up.....but I will and try yet again and again and again..............
I've been where you are. I've felt just like you describe. Not wanting to wake up. Just wanting it to be over. I've also done all those things you said, gone to the market, felt overwhelmed and left with nothing, or left with things I never end up eating. Until this past year, I thought that was part of my personality, but turns out it was my bad brain chemistry, which once improved, is totally different now. I still have days like that, but now I have good days, I laugh, and I smile, and I can shop and buy things and cook them, and not feel panicky. I even do fun things because I want to and not because I'm forcing myself, hoping it will help.
When I felt really bad, it was hard to hear advice from people. I felt that nothing would ever change no matter what I did. The advice people had for me was not inspiring at all. Often it made me feel worse. Like it was my fault. Like if I just did what they said, I'd be fine. But it wasn't that easy. And I didn't want to have hope, and then be disappointed again. It took so much energy to try. And also, I thought it was just who I was to be anxious and depressed.
In some ways, I'd learned to cope with life by accepting feeling bad. I knew what I could expect from my day, and I just tried to get through it. This mindset actually did help me. But it also kept me stuck.
Trying takes courage. it takes courage to have hope that it can change.
I'm not in the UK, so I'm not sure what doctors routinely check for in routine blood work. But if you are old enough to have a 7yr old grandchild, you are old enough to be at risk for a B12 deficiency. A deficiency in this very important vitamin will cause depression, and difficulty concentrating, and memory problems. Where I live, it's now a requirement for psychiatrists to test for it. A b12 deficiency can progress and cause permanent nerve damage.
Some people thing vitamins are unnecessary. I used to think so. But now I know some people don't absorb vitamins well. Certain medications can deplete vitamins. Alcohol depletes vitamins. Tea and coffee both deplete vitamins. But rather than change all these habits, we just need to take vitamins.
Right now, rather than focus on changing all of your habits, I would instead buy a very strong multi-vitamin as well as a seperate B-complex vitamin with a lot of B12. In a few weeks of taking these every day, your depression and anxiety may begin to lift enough so that you can make additional changes in your life as well. But for now, taking vitamins would be the ONLY thing to focus on. If you keep it simple, it will be easier to accomplish.
Just pick ONE thing to change, and do that thing every day.
When you feel down, know that there is someone out there thinking about you.
Amy
Thanks for your suggestion I'll get round to seeing my GP sometime and request a full blood test. just can't face anything really at the moment, Had two little visitors earlier on my grand children they are so lovely and growing up so fast but even hugs and kisses from them are not lifting me at all, just spent time trying to talk to my son without keep crying I'm just finding everything so hard, just want to give up...sorry.