Just looking for advice...

Treatment and medication
1

Hi everyone,

I have been on citalopram for roughly 6 weeks. I was originally on 10mg for the first month then I crashed and my doc moved me up to 20mg. From where I was 6 weeks ago to where am now is like night and day. I have come so far . When all this first started I was a complete mess. I could not work eat or sleep. I was unable to function properly. Now I am on my normal routine again with most days pretty good. The problem is now I am still not quite feeling like me. I feel very emotional and that's not me. I'm a 25 year old male who before this bottled all my problems up. The feeling is hard to explain. I don't sit and cry but I do start thinking about something and dwell on it for far to long then it upsets me. I try so hard to stop but I cant. I'm wondering if I had such a severe case of anxiety that now that I'm taking the meds if it has lessened my severe anxiety to a typical axiety disorder. I really don't know. I'm so lost and so confused. I try to explain to people what I'm going through and they really don't understand what I'm dealing with. I really wish I could explain my feelings so much better but they are so unexplainable. I really feel like my friends and family are tired of hearing about it. This makes it so much harder on me because I need to the support. I get the same old response just breath and stop stressing about it. You'll be ok they say. I'm so thankful for you guys helping me on here. I really feel like talking to you all has helped me so much. I know I have a long way to go and I know I need to be patient but I just feel so lost. Please if anyone has advice or any similar problems please share. I could use all the help I can get. Thank you!

2

Hi Scott

Glad to her you're feeling better than when you first started in the meds.

Having this illness and taking these meds takes us through all sorts of emotions and experiences, and one of the side effects can be upsetting thoughts which seem to stick in your head making you dwell on it.  This should be temporary and part of the medicines side effects.

Its not easy for anyone to understand this illness if they've not had it, and yes it's easy for them to say well just stop thinking about it.  We can't.  Our bodies do what they do.  I'd suggest trying to understand that this is part of the illness / medicine, try to let the thoughts just be there whilst you maybe keep busy (calmly) even if the thoughts are still with you, remind yourself that's it's all normal and that in time as you recover more and more these thoughts will get put to the back of your mind again and won't bother you.

You could also consider a CBT referral from your doctor - it will also help sort these thoughts from another perspective.

K x

3

Forgot to add that 6 weeks is still early days and you're still recovering.  Sounds like you already have some improvement and don't forget there's lots more improvement still to come.

Ps ... Sorry for the typos :-)

4

Thank you Kate I always look forward to.your advice. Everytime I hear from you it brings me such relief just reading it. I'm glad to hear that these feelings are normal. It just get frustrating being on this emotional roller coaster. When I am feeling myself I am so confident that I will beat this. Then when I start feeling bad I start losing hope and motivation. I think that's the hardest part staying motivated throughout the rough patches. When I start feeling upset it's like I want to run but there's nowhere to run to. It doesn't matter if I leave work and go home the feelings are there. Its so crazy knowing that I am completely okay and safe but yet feeling thsee feelings for no reason. I have gained a whole new respect for people with mental illnesses. I feel like this has happened to me for a reason. I'm not sure why yet. But I do know that this illness has a hidden blessing inside it somwhere. I will beat this and I will get through this. I am so impatient. Thank you again Kate you have helped me so much. You are such a good person for helping so many of us on here. Without people like you I don't know how I could get through this. I'm sure I will have many more cries for help in my future days fighting this. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you!

5

Also quick question what is CBT?

6

Hello Scott. .what you have gone through we have all felt it .you really need to go to the docs,ask him to send you to a CBT course this will help you understand what is stree and how you can combat it. It's not a quick fix they give you the tools and you have to do all the work . then you must be kind to your self don't beat yourself up how and why you are feeling like this. You are and you have to start feeling good about your self laugh more .enjoy your self .

Imagin all your problems or stress is on a coffee table .one by one clear it. Deal we with all your crap. Then only allow on that table ehat you can deal with. .I went to hypnotherapy ,now I am a better person than Before all this. Could take 6 months before you feel better

7

CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  You talk to a therapist about anything, everything and they give you ideas, tools etc to help you cope with it.

I felt exactly what you just described.  When I was really bad I also wanted to run away from it all, but I knew I'd just take the dam illness with me.  It dogged my every moment of life, whether I watched TV, went out, talked to someone, was at work ....... it was like looking through a piece of glass and I was on the inside and this thing was between me and normal life.  Only time I escaped was when I was asleep ...... only to be hit with it immediately I woke the next day.

When I was feeling well I felt I could beat it and understood it for what it was, and when it came creeping back into my life I couldn't see any of that ..... just relentless gloom, fear and frustration.

As I got better I began to see a pattern and started to believe that I would get there, and this thing was getting less and less.  I still had some terrible rough patches to get through but eventually it all settled and became a thing of the past.

I wondered also why I had it, and now I can actually be thankful for the experience (not that I want to go back there mind) ..... but when my son also succumbed to this over a year ago I was able to help him.  I saw the same pattern I'd been through, similar fears, thoughts, everything, and understood what was happening.  He was really bad ...... I supported him throughout, to every appointment etc until he chose to go by himself, and over a good 6-8 months he recovered and is now back to himself again.

It was during his illness I came on this forum and saw people having exactly the same experience as I'd been through and my son, so found myself replying 😊 (feeling motherly).  When you're better you can look down on this illness and see it for what it is and understand it better.  I see it as an imbalance of serotonin, for whatever reason brought you to it, but we all seem to end up in the same boat.  Shock, stress, background ... anything, ....... our nerves become sensitised over time and eventually fire off at the slightest provocation, lowering our serotonin and causing havoc with our emotions and mood.  The meds help to hang on to our serotonin, making us feel calmer, happier whilst our body heals and becomes desensitised over time and back to normal.

Recovery on the medication also seems to follow a similar path that everyone goes down at different rates.  Sadly they don't work quickly, and just as the length of time it took for us to become ill then it'll take time for us to recover too.

Sorry, I'm rambling on a bit now. 😉

Yes es therell no doubt be more ups and downs ...... but remember the general trend is up.

K xx

8

Hey Scott, great to hear you are feeling a lot better. I relate to the up and down feeling so well, and am learning a lesson in patience. Know you are not alone, and hopefully with time we will find our feet again. Keep going. Lee.

9

I'm in the same boat. An overwhelming feeling of worry and fear.

I have only been on the meds for less than a week and I feel like they are making it worse. I keep being told to let them work and to calm down. Easier said than done right?

I'm here for ya man. I keep putting myself into a happy state, thinking as positive as I can. Seems to relieve it a bit.

10

Thank you all for your support. It has made me feel so much better. I don't know what I would do without this forum. I hope one day when I beat this thing I will be as helpful as all you are to me. I am so excited to be done with all of this!

11

Hi Scott, I sent you a private message since it contains a link that wouldn't pass moderation.  

I think you are at a good place to do some work on processing your emotions and dealing with dysfunctional thinking.  I think people are right when they say "breathe," but it's a little more complicated than that.  Our thoughts really are the source of our suffering, but some awareness is in order along with "breathe."  Hopefully my PM will explain a little further.

I wish you peace!

 

12

Hi betsy could you please send me the link you sent to Scott I think it might help me to

Thanks

13

You got it!

Go to the topic Reduce ADs using a 10% withdrawal method in this thread:

https://patient.info/forums/discuss/depression-resources-298570

14

Thank you for your advice betsy. I really feel like I am starting to understand my illness. It's so strange how amazing our brains are. They cause us to feel things that arent really there. Before this I was never willing to take any time of medications because I was so scared of the potential side affects. I would not even take cold medicine. But yet I could slam energy drinks all day I would not hesitate to think what the potential side affect of those. Before I took this medication I studied and read up on every side affect possible. Of coarse the first day of taking them within a few hours I swore up and down that I was feeling all the side affects even though it was impossible. Since then I have slowly started to relize that I need to train my brain. When I have my rough days I know I am ok physically and mentally ok and that there is nothing to worry about. It does bring me relief the more I practice this. I feel like over time I can train myself to control these feelings. I know it's going to take time and I can't give up. I have a long way ahead of me but I am going to make it through. I really enjoy talking about my problems. I could be completely filled with anxiety and have no control over it but as soon as I start expressing how I am feeling it very quickly brings this calming release. It is so strange. One thing I do want to know is I do not get anxiety about certain situations. When this fis happend to me it hit me like a brick. I had absolutely no control of my emotions I was crying and panicked for absolutely nothing. I even checked myself into a mental institution. They wouldn't even let me stay because they could not find anything wrong with me. This anxiety I have I do not understand why I have it? I drove myself into a infinite loop. I was anxious about being anxious. I have come a very long way from where I was to now. I am slowly overcoming this illness but I wish so much that I knew why this happend to me. Thank you all again.

Scott

15

Six weeks is very early and you are still recovering. what you describe will ease the longer you take it. 

Dont try to analyse your feelings too much.  Accept that you are still recovering and the medication is still doing its job.  

You describe feeling lost lost and confused. This is part of the illness.  It will get better.  Give things time and I bet in another six weeks you won't recognise yourself. 

16

I think the work you are doing with training your thoughts is the key to peace for the future, so excellent!

When you first had this break of anxiety, was there anything going on at the time, such as using illicit substances, a life situation in the family, etc.?

I now realize that our thought processes can become imbedded in us through repetition and then they become the default.  Some call anxiety and depression an "external solution" to stresses in our lives.  These circuits get wired in no matter the trigger. The trigger could be a single event, or chronic.  In some fashion, the "solution" worked for us, even if it was dysfunctional!  So, we have to break that circuit and wire in a new, healthier one.

In my case there was all kinds of negativity, self-doubt, low self-esteem, perfectionism with the result being I was never satisfied, nothing was ever good enough. Tons of self-judgement, not deserving, etc.  This all leads to the depression.  Deal with the dysfunctional thinking and you will deal with the depression/anxiety!