Hi Sharon
Ive been in two minds about replying, not saying anything is the easy option. However, having been in a relationship where alcohol has affected not just the drinker, but the extended family too, I've decided to add my bit, although some may not like it.
Whilst I've always liked a drink and had a high tolerance level, my drinking got worse, promises were made by me, things improved, then a couple of months later another binge and this went on for several years.
Alcohol was a great friend to me, during a difficult time and I used it as a prop (not a good idea) but it kept me going.
My children were about 5, 7, & 9, my husband was working in the Middle East, my mother in law was undergoing chemotherapy and radiotherapy daily which I took her too. My mum was loosing her sight rapidly and also lived alone.
At the same time, I'd gone back to uni to finish a degree I started after leaving school, and I was also working 3 nights a week 8pm to 8am. Just writing this now has made me see how mad the situation was, no-one could cope like that without something major happening.
It would take days to write this part of my life, but wanted you to know that a volatile and toxic marriage with three kids, can be overcome. My husband came back here to work on less than half what he was earning, we sold the big house and flash cars and the kids went to state schools. The fancy two to three holidays a year stopped, but we had a family.
It was the birthday card in your post which struck a particular chord. My binge drinking was getting worse. Nobody knew what state I'd be in when they came home. I did alsorts of crazy things, booked myself into 5 star hotels, spent huge amounts of money we didn't have, life was a complete mess.
It was my birthday, I'd just finished yet another binge a couple of days before. I went downstairs, fully expecting the kids and hubby waiting with presents and cards ( why on earth should they?) eventually I said " have you all forgotten what day it is?), I can still see my husbands face now, he just shook his head and said "my god, you're priceless aren't you?)
That was the shock I needed, I sat down and realised what I'd thrown away for the sake of getting wasted and hoping all my troubles would go away. As a couple we'd grown so far apart, the kids knew I was unreliable. They never wanted friends round, well who could blame them.
However OH and I talked and talked like never before, all my resentment over him working abroad came out. He hated having to sell his dream home with no mortgage. We both agreed we had something worth fighting for. The drinking stopped during the week, but we both drank at weekends. We went to Relate for marriage guidance counselling, took things very slowly, but above all we learned to talk.
Trust took a lot longer, it has to be earned, there's no overnight fix for that. Small things to start with. He no longer questioned why I was going to the off licence at 9pm for cigerattes. He no longer looked in my hiding places, I encouraged him to do so, as I knew there was nothing to hide.
Obviously, there's loads more I could have said, but the main point is that marriage isn't easy, you have to work hard sometimes, not just one person, but as a couple. If you want something badly enough you fight for it. It's bxxxxy hard at times and there were many times we discovered years later where we both could have walked out. I definitely think that we both put so much effort in firstly because of the kids. They needed stability, and I'd love to say we didn't affect them, but we did. They shouldn't have to lie awake listening to their mum saying I want a xxxxxx drink so I'll walk and get one.
The counselling was good in the end, it was the last chance for our marriage and we both took it. I've just showed OH this discussion, and he said, "you went on and on for days about not having a card from me and the kids, would you have preferred a fancy flowery one full of platitudes and words which at the time meant nothing. I didn't know whether or not I still loved you, so why the hell would I have got you a card?
I do hope Sharon that I've not upset you, but I've said how it was, no point in sugar coating it. We will have been married 38 years in October. Not all easy. When I've got my two grandsons, that's something else I had to fight for, birthday cards mean nothing, actions speak louder than words.
I do hope you can sort something out. OH has just made a valid point and not one I'd thought of. AUD is an illness, it's not as simple of saying I won't drink again. He had to learn about it and accept that yes ok, I bought it and drank it, but it's not as clear cut as some people think. He also accepts that leaving me with our kids, me looking after his mum and mine. Working nights ( I paid my neighbours daughter who stayed the night at mine) and doing a degree was too much for any one person to deal with.
keep posting and remember that things which seem lost and hopeless now can be mended. However it won't be easy, but if you both want it badly enough and are prepared to fight for it, all isn't lost.
good luck, keep posting. Don't give in and drink (easier said than done, I know), all that will do is give him more amunition
