The old saying 'the calm before the storm' genuinely relates to depression. You can go weeks even a month or two without feeling its deadly grip around your limbs, dragging you down into a pit o self loathing and suicidal thoughts. Those weeks of freedom are the best, you smile, laugh and experience new adventures. But every laugh and smile is borrowed time until depression needs to feed on your misery and cripple the foundations of your life.
I've been suffering from depression since I was a kid and it took my 24 years to realise this. Those days when I would sit in my room, playing the black swan routine of being rejected by my brothers, sister and parents, hurting myself in ridiculoously childish ways. I used to lock the door and cry, pray for God to save me from their hell. Then I get bored of crying and slam my head, or hand or foot into the wall, to feel another pain and lessen the one of rejection. I thought breaking my leg would get them to change, so I would bash my foot with heels (even contemplated hammers) and ironically when I did break my foot, nothing changed.
Suicide was attempted on many occassions, each time I was grateful I never succeeded; but months or years later I was back to trying again. The last attempt was probably at 14 years old, maybe even younger, I would wrap a scarf around my neck and tighten the other end of the scarf on my bed. I'd lean forward with all my strength and slowly suffocate. Everytime near blackout, I would stop. Promise myself a better life and to never feel like that again, but depression always caught up with me somewhere, somehow.
These days those attempts make me sad mainly because they were a cry for help, help in which I never received because no-one ever found out or even knows to this day how miserable I was. I would be that happy go lucky popular child at school, laughing and having a great time while there, but absolutely broken when at "home"; to this day I hate the family house, sometimes I cry knowing I have to venture back there and other times I just harden my soul to their negativity. Although I do believe this all strengthened me somehow. They made me realise I have control of my life, I can choose to exist or die within an moment; I have the control to make myself happy or sad. Sometimes depression doesn't allow you to choose, it will take over and tell you how you'll feel. BUT there is always a small window of hope lingering in the corner of your messed up mind, always somewhere to escape the depths of one's hellish mind.
I found my escape route, after almost a week of crying, hiding and wanting to die, I found my route out. It starts today, by writing this I have exposed the demons, I remember all the ambitions I have neglected and the people who love me that I have pushed away out of anger or saddness. He came back and lectured me last night, he was upset at being pushed away but understood I needed a few days to hide away from the world and not live. He told me he adores me and my success or what I call failures will never stop him being there for me, because my tendancy to succeed is greater than my self destruction. He doesn't know I have depression, probably thinks its just 'that time of the month'. All I could reply was 'I love you'. I've said that to him before, I didn't grow up in a household of hugs, rainbows or emotions, so it was a huge step for me. He never said it back, instead he carried on lecturing me. This made me momentarily sad, but I realised that I said it because I genuinely feel that way. The moment was significant to me and I will never forget his supportive words for as long as I live, because reading them just made my heart scream words it never has. I know how he feels about me and when he's ready he will say it back, when the moment is signficant for him.
In conclusion, its taken my 24 years to realise I can't allow myself to view my damaged past as an obstacle anymore. The young me that prayed for a better life deserves to achieve that and I deserve to give myself the patience required to achieve my goals. Forever hung up on not having the perfect job or my own place to live, not having a childhood or understanding how some people have perfect families when mine only brought me mental, physical and a past full of pain. I won't achieve my goals of a better life today, tomorrow or next week; but today I can set the wheels in motion to pave my own yellow brick road to a better life!!
Depression you are a leech that is likey to always suck the life out of me, but I have the control to see you coming and make the changes I need to ride you out. I'm doing it for that little girl who thought breaking bones and attempting suicide would bring love, happiness and a life. This adult girl now knows that such things only come with believing I can conquer anything thats thrown at me, maybe not in the moment but eventually!
To my fellow depression sufferers, find your escape route and get digging. Sometimes you'll feel the sweet nectar of freedom for a day, a week or even a month, but everytime it's worth it! Never in my life did I believe I deserve happiness or better than the hell fire of depression; TODAY I believe I deserve it more than anyone because I won't go down without a fight! I won't be that little girl again and I won't sit back and let depression kick my ass as my hateful mother did. I've found love, something only fairtales taught me. To know you can feel something beautiful in the midst of depression, whether its for your partner or a child or even your favourite food or book, it will change your perspective on yourself!
We must learn to love ourselves, including our dipfall of depression in order to understand our woes and put an active foot forward to make the changes needed to better ourselves. Depression has stolen too many amazing people in the world and I won't allow it to claim me!
Life is worth living, whether its through rose tinted glasses or through the saddness of broken dreams, because once it's lived in a way compatible with your own version of happiness there is no stopping you in achieving your dreams whatever they may be!