I am convinced that my partner has aspergers. it seems to be the only thing to explain certain emotional behaviours that i have tried to understand for years. this syndrome can be hereditary and as his sixteen yearold son was diagnosed last year this makes me more sure.
I have talked to him about this and sa i expected the answer was 'i am ok with the way i am and levi (his son) is happy with the way he is. I need help to explain that this is my problem , not hi,s and that it is how he interacts with me that is the problem.
any one out there know where i can find this help?
Just wondering if you got anywhere with this problem, which is the same as my daughter has. How hard is it to interact with someone who cannot read any non verbal signals or show empathy of any kind? Any help would be so much appreciated. Thank you.
hi.i had almost forgotten i had posted this. you have my sympathy for your situation with our daughter. i am no further on in getting advice about adults with aspergers but we have argued on numerous occasions which does no good. I dont think my partners problem is anything more than mild and so although he is difficult he is also eventually to get some idea of where i am coming from. provided i give him fairly clear information as to what i expect from him he does seem to try. fortunately he is a sensible adult and not a teenager so will at least listen and try to take on board what i say but that blank look comes int his eyes so i can tell when i have lost him. to say it is a labour of love is such an understatement! i sometime wonder if its worth it and whether i should concentrate on my own happiness regardless of him because he seems ok either way! does not make the best of life but better (i think) than life without him
Thanks for the quick reply. My daughter separated from her partner because of his obsessive 'ways' and his inability to even try to help her or empathise with her. It came to a head when she was pregnant unfortunately. Unfortunately, 15 months down the line he still won't accept that the relationship is over. Because he thought it was fine, he never lets up with telling her she's wrong. You have my sympathy, but am glad that you are trying to make the best of life. Wishing you well. And thank you.
hi. what a sad story but i think not unusual. from what i have read, separation is often the result of these relationships. sound like partner is further along the spectrum. his doctor might help if he is aware of the issue and maybe he could get help to cope with being separated and learn how to behave. counseling or something. especially as there is a child - she wont be able to get shot of him entirely. maybe his aspergers will eventually take over and his obsession with her will change to something else. a long process but who knows.my doctor was no help but you could ask if there is an interested doctor in your area. they do exist. local hospital maybe. good luck.
write again if ever you want to if it helps.
Thanks so much for your empathy. It's clear that you understand only too well what this must be like! It is very hard to get help for someone who doesn't acknowledge that he has a problem. Only today my daughter has received another e-mail from him telling her that the relationship could have worked etc etc. So wearing for her. Take care and do hope your life continues on the level. Thanks again.
My son is Autistic. I understand when you mention your partner shows lack of emotion when things happen.I think you should contact an Autistic society or other Autistic organization on the website as your partner could be on the autistic spectrum. This would help you identify his way of thinking.
I know it can be difficult and frustrating but you could talk to your partner, when you are both calm and tell him how you would like him to be treated in certain things.
Hi Dee
It must be hard knowing that your son has autism and wanting the best for him in the future. I hope he finds a partner who can help him and understand the limitations that autism imposes on him. Sadly my daughter's partner was unwilling to empathise in any way at all and it became too much for my daughter. She does however try to support him in being a 'good enough' father to their son. All best wishes. Roseann
Its very difficult to live with someone who has AS. All you can do is remember you love them and it isnt their fault. Just like a parent with altzheimers. Easier said than done and you will fail sometimes. Its difficult for the person with AS too, to not understand, be criticised complained to for lack of feeling, empathy etc, and not know how to respond. I sometimes think it would be kinder to leave them in peace. There is no easy answer. Maybe a counsellor could help you cope. Hard to counsel someone with AS.
Hi.I have some information which might help you or others.
I wanted to have councelling but could not afford private sessions. i googled 'free councelling' and got a NHS site for 'Healthy Minds' that had a sentence about self referal for councelling.I rang and was given an appointmet just a few days later. the person i saw agreed that our problem was not a mental health one but that she could refer me to Relate who would give us FREE couples councelling. Free because it comes under the nhs. she said the appointment may take some time and we are still waiting,but at least the financial pressure of getting help is relieved. Maybe this could help daughter and hopefully if hewill go her ex. goodluck
Many thanks for your empathetic replies Anne and Redlondoner. It definitely would have been a labour of selfless love if my daughter had continued with her relationship with partner with AS. His latest obsessive game has been to break into her e-mails and monitor her every movement, even though they have been separated for 1.5 years now. He continues to say that the break up does not make sense, because he is only able to see it from his own perspective of course. If he was happy then they were both happy! Such a difficult one and he does have my sympathy. His life would have been happier with my daughter (acting as a mother figure to him) but her's is undoubtedly happier without the daily grind of looking after someone with AS. So tough for him.
I u derstand Roseann, in the end your own wellbeing must be priority, and she shouldnt feel guilty.
Sorry I cannot say where to get help and it would depend on which country you are in too. But my best friend has aspergers and it has taken me some time to work this out and get my head around it as she was never officialy diagnosed and cannot see it herself.
Lots of guys like to think that as long as they are happy it has to continue.
Sympathy, knowledge and persistence.
I have lived with a man with this for 17 years and I think my daughter has it .. also she does not mix well and is unsociaable no knowingly.. and does not read me or interact as much as I would like her to.. I am not sure if this is the case but was always left out at school.. My son is like me.. ok! I can see a great difference. she never confronts or listens ..but this is much the same as any yong person she is 23... Artist (Digital) clever.My daughter is borderline..Ex was quite unemotional.. I have enough for the three of us..
Once my Children had grown, I got divorced after 17 years of hard work like having three children over the years me running the show..He is clever at many things DIY/Math but his Emotional state is next to nothing and he can be difficult..I had a breakdown after 17 years of Hard work RGN/Study bringing up two children and a sick mother.. Now I have retired out after 33yrs with a back injury as a result of my job so I have time for me at last at 57 ..the older you are the more you need time for you.If you love the Man ..then do things for yourself. But encourage him to take a Hobby..so you have quality time for yourself..
PLZ find experienced councelor for u to help u cope then ask for them to go with u to help u.
CHEERS
HOPE
my partner went to doc and was told he didnt need diagnosis. fter a couple of weeks and a very difficult morning i rang the doc in tears nd he is going to refer him to some clinic. not sure what this is but we will see. and he gave me antidepressants!
I posted a while ago about NHS and a referal to relate. this may not help much.it is 5 months waiting for an appointment and then we get just six sessions. i cant help thinking that unless the coucellor is a expert in aspergers it will take that long to scratch the surface.
we are rubbing along in a way but i anstill very reticent about continuing the relationship.
Hi. I can see your point and think you are right. People who do not know much about aspergers will usually say some stupid thing such as "tell your partner to be different" and ignoring that they are different BECAUSE of their condition. And not see what differences the condition causes.
But as you know the nhs is worried about money and it is very expensive for them to refer you to anyone at all.
Hence it takes ages and might be lacking. Which is why so many people go privately, it quicker and guaranteed to give the results they want.